to leave council home and go back to private renting to be near mother with cancer :(

(61 Posts)
user1468485204 Thu 14-Jul-16 09:47:52

Very long story short, we did 10 years worth of private renting ( 6 moves ) before getting a social house on the new affordable market rent scheme.
Our rent is 80% of market rent but obviously it came with the security we never had in private rentals.
We don't love where we live, it's 60 miles from anyone we know and although I am making the best of it, well have been before this last shock, I haven't been happy being this far away from my mother.
We are very close even though I'm in my 30s, she was a single mother until I was 20 and I am an only child.
She adores my children and would love to see more of them.
She can't leave where she is, Bognor Regis as my elderly nan lives there.
My mum has just found out she has skin cancer sad
I want to leave this house and private rent to be near her.
Logically it will be a nightmare, my husband will have to try and transfer, I will have no job, and to top it off my children would have to leave their current school so I would need a year 2 place and a reception place for September.
Am I being unreasonable to do this? My head says yes but my heart says go.

charlestonchaplin Thu 14-Jul-16 10:00:15

I think you are the poster in Surrey who has been desperate to move near her mother for a while, long before this news. If so, your mother is still quite young and depending on what stage cancer she has, you can still adequately support her whilst living in Surrey. I think you were travelling down quite frequently anyway. Every other weekend, something like that. With phone calls, skype, perhaps visiting more frequently, you can manage, at least until you know what her chances are of making a full recovery or not.

But, you are clearly very unhappy being away from her. Despite what appears to many to be the madness of willingly returning to the private rental market, if your partner is supportive maybe you should just do it. You know the risks. Go in with your eyes open, be prepared for the worst.

charlestonchaplin Thu 14-Jul-16 10:02:18

Hopefully the cancer will have been caught early and she will be able to make a full recovery with less invasive treatment.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Thu 14-Jul-16 10:04:06

Have you had a look on the house swap sites and fb pages?

user1468485204 Thu 14-Jul-16 10:06:19

I wish we could pick this house up and move it.
But we can't sad
I am very unhappy with the distance but I had to think of the kids security hence why I took it to start with, but I am unhappy and with this on top, I almost think some things just aren't meant to be and maybe this is one of them.

user1468485204 Thu 14-Jul-16 10:07:39

You can't swap on this scheme, it's a 5 year renewable contract but we had to meet a certain criteria ( government job in area ) so no swapping

HeyMacWey Thu 14-Jul-16 10:08:30

I'm sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. flowers

If you've just heard you're possibly in shock - try not to make any rash judgements before you've got all of the information to hand. Your natural reaction is to want to be as close as possible to her.

Your children are settled and you have housing security - I'd want some security at the other end before moving.

A tough decision - but ultimately it does sound like you don't want to be where you are long term.

Can you do housing exchanges on affordable rent properties?

DianaMitford Thu 14-Jul-16 10:10:20

Excellent advice from Charleston

user1468485204 Thu 14-Jul-16 10:17:09

No you cannot swap on this scheme and affordable rent properties have stopped being built now in West Sussex so the chance of someone leaving one is very unlikely
I would want to do it over the summer if I was to do it to avoid my son starting at a school only to leave shortly after
We won't have security at the end, my mum is privately renting too so it's not as if we could live with her if it all went wrong as she's in a 1 bed house sad what a mess.
Just in tears constantly.

user1468485204 Thu 14-Jul-16 14:18:38

tly

Princesspinkgirl Thu 14-Jul-16 23:32:44

Normally I'd say dont give up social housing but in this instance I would do it

AndNowItsSeven Thu 14-Jul-16 23:39:00

Honestly I think all the reasons not to move from the last times you have posted about this still stand.
I am sorry your mum is sick but don't use it as a reason to move , your dc security should still be your priority. Your mum has a partner he can support her daily and you can support her daily in the phone , Skype etc and in person at weekends etc

user1468485204 Fri 15-Jul-16 09:40:23

Thankyou for the replies
It just feels very wrong living this distance with my mum having cancer
It just doesn't sit well with me
The kids are of course my priority but I'm not sure living in an area in not happy in just because it's secure is the answer

As others have said, it really depends on the severity of your DM skin cancer. If it has been caught earlier and is localised then it can be very straightforward to treat.

You have the school holidays coming up where you can spend more time with your DM and get a better sense of what is going on. Don't rush to give up your security because you are currently feeling unsettled.

Cabrinha Fri 15-Jul-16 10:02:12

Your children's security is more important. They're young primary - are you going to put them through another 6 moves before they finish primary?
It's only 60 miles if I've read correctly - I used to commute that every day. You could easily go every weekend to your mum, and an evening in the week too.
Is your mum working? If she can't move because of her own mother, why don't both of them move to your town?
I think you'd be crazy to give up the security you have, in a situation where your mother really isn't that far away.

roundandroundthehouses Fri 15-Jul-16 10:13:16

I haven't seen your previous posts so don't know the background, or how your mother feels about it. I'm sorry to hear of this diagnosis. But considering the distance between you is relatively short, and you seem to be devoted enough to make a real effort for your Mum, I would suggest you put that energy into supporting her from where you are. You can still see her regularly (like a PP I used to commute that distance), without compromising your dcs' security in their home and schools.

I can't speak for your Mum, but, if I had a cancer diagnosis, that would be bad enough without worrying that my daughter and grandchildren were financially insecure and unreliably housed because of it.

witsender Fri 15-Jul-16 10:17:09

It depends on what stage she is. My sister has just been diagnosed at only 32, but we are all hoping that she is only stage 1. Plenty of people have one instance and that is it.

Cabrinha Fri 15-Jul-16 10:18:41

That's a really good point from PP.
I am a single mum to an only daughter though she's still a child. I would be do touched that she wanted to do it - but would firmly tell her no, I definitely wouldn't want to feel responsible for that!

MackerelOfFact Fri 15-Jul-16 10:58:49

All cancer is terrifying, but with skin cancer the vast majority of treatment is surgical - which means one or two operations, and then it's usually done. It's horrible for a few weeks, but after that things can pretty much go back to normal.

Even if it's melanoma, most people don't need any additional treatment unless it's at quite an advanced stage. So it's not as though she's likely to need you around for long-term practical support.

I remember your previous threads and it does sound like you really want to move. It's your decision, but don't do anything in haste - sort out jobs etc first if you're going to do it. Don't destabilise your own children as a knee-jerk reaction to some shocking news.

user1468485204 Fri 15-Jul-16 11:02:33

Maybe everything is just getting on top of me
There's another thread about a cat issue too ;(

user1468485204 Sun 17-Jul-16 12:23:45

Saw my mum yesterday, she's very scared and doesn't want me to move if it's going to make the kids lives harder.
She will have enough to buy when my nan passes so we wouldn't be renting forever but my nan is 88 and very fit and well
The kids cry every time we leave her and beg me to let them live near the sea

MeInHoney86 Sun 17-Jul-16 12:39:01

Is there any way your mum could move in with you? Even if it meant you slept in the front room on a pull out bed for the time being?

user1468485204 Sun 17-Jul-16 12:48:43

She can't no as she is still having to work, she is 61 so not able to retire otherwise would have been fine as my children have a room each which they don't need really at the age they are.
Plus that would also leave my 88 year old grandmother there completely alone

user1468485204 Sun 17-Jul-16 12:50:23

In the in deal world we would make the move now, rent the same house until my nan passes and then my mum would buy a house big enough for us all.
It's just the nightmare that * could * happen in that however many years

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Sun 17-Jul-16 12:55:30

All the reasons for not going (from your numerous past threads) still stand. Only you (and your partner) can make this decision.

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