Is MIL being unreasonable or am I being over sensitive?

(225 Posts)
WinniePooh101 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:06:02

Short back story - I have a 14 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. Both sets of grandparents live nearby. I've had a few problems with MIL over the past 14 months, she's very possessive of my daughter for instance anytime she looks after her she doesn't answer the phone, doesn't tell us where they are until afterwards because she doesn't think they need to ask permission and we keep repeatedly asking them to stop buying toys for their house, she has so many toys it's beyond ridiculous. We were told within weeks of daughter arriving they would see her every Thursday and insisted on having time 'alone' with her e.g.: going for a walk or out to lunch. There's hell to pay if we ever try to cancel 'their day'. This has now become Tuesdays and Thursdays. They were all set to kit out their spare room as a nursery before my daughter arrived, they bought a cot, pram, were going to put her name on the door until it reached a stage it was freaking me out and DP asked them to calm down and pointed out daughter wouldn't be staying there until she's much older. They have their own clothes for her at their house and I found out by accident they change her clothes into their clothes when she's at their house.

Today, I took her up to see them and discovered they've bought her a baby doll complete with bottle, nappies, blankets, crib etc. Two months ago they said they wanted to buy her a baby doll kit and I asked them not to because we've bought one for her as a present from the new baby when he/she arrives. I wasn't rude or angry, I just politely pointed out we've bought all that as a gift from new baby and reminded her we asked them not to, she denied all knowledge of conversation and went on to tell me that our doll etc will be at our house and theirs is at their house so she can't see what my problem is. Then started showing my daughter how to feed the baby doll!! At that point I said I thought it was best I didn't stay and they'd have a better afternoon if I went home, she replied 'Because you're upset we've bought her dolls?' We reached the doorstep, I kissed my daughter, turned around and took a step down and she'd shut the door on me with my daughter inside! I can;t believe yet again she seems to think she can do whatever she wants with my daughter! I accommodate DP's parents a lot but they seem to think they have a right to do and say what they want even when I've asked them not to. Am I being unreasonable?

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Tue 12-Jul-16 15:08:59

God no, I'd hate anyone to try to come between me and DD like that. I think it's creepy and insensitive to say the least. Does she intend to try and take over the new baby as well?

I'd be trying to cut down that time she wants alone with your DD tbh.

MoMandaS Tue 12-Jul-16 15:14:41

YANBU. I understand completely because my MIL is very much like this with DS1, even down to the changing clothes thing. I find it bizarre and a bit creepy. As a result, I haven't yet allowed them to look after my younger ones. My response to it is much the same as yours. We have had to make it very clear that they should check with us before they buy big presents, or just buy a couple of little things. Their house is filled with toys, new things every week. I could go on. I'm so glad there's someone else with this problem (though sorry for you, obviously)!

ArmfulOfRoses Tue 12-Jul-16 15:14:44

I wouldn't be trying to cut down time they spend with her alone, I'd stop it altogether for people that deliberately won't answer the phone when they have my child.

OnesieTheQueensSelfie Tue 12-Jul-16 15:15:16

YADNBU. No advice but having a batshit mil, sympathise completely. flowersbrewcake for you

WinniePooh101 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:17:00

Thank you and there's no way I would start up this weekly routine with the new baby. I even mentioned it to the health visitor at my daughter's 12 month check up because I didn't know if it was me, whether I was being overly protective. MIL treats my daughter like she's her daughter when she's with her. I've had 14 months of trying to 'let things go', excuse her behaviour as 'over the top first time nanny' but today has left me so shocked. I don't believe she doesn't remember the conversation when I asked her not to buy the doll and I can't believe the way she shut the door on me with my daughter inside! I just don't know what to do.

bloodymaria Tue 12-Jul-16 15:18:22

Nope. No 'alone time' with DD, why on earth are you caving to their demands? Argh, she's your daughter!

Sonders Tue 12-Jul-16 15:19:39

YANBU, I think it's time for these visits to get shorter and further between...

LemonBreeland Tue 12-Jul-16 15:23:11

YANBU. They would not be having my child alone if they wouldn't answer the phone or tell me where they were. It sounds like it is not childcare for your benefit either. You need to cut this down massively. She is not a doll for them to play with.

WinniePooh101 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:23:44

And I'm so pleased you all also find it creepy.

MoManda The toy thing has reached the stage where every possible 'big toy' you can think of, if that makes sense, they've bought so they are the ones who have given that toy to her rather than us. MIL keeps telling me my daughter needs a hair cut, she asked today when I'm taking her to have her hair cut and reminded me they want a locket, I've told her I'm not cutting her hair and I've told DP if they cut her hair they will not see her again.

MoMandaS Tue 12-Jul-16 15:23:50

Talk to your DP about today's incident. How is his relationship with his parents? Does he find the behaviour as weird as you do? I think it would be unfair to your DD to stop all contact but you could maybe find a reason to drop the Tuesday visits (new playgroup or something) so it's just once a week. That should send a message. If they kick off about it, explain it's not their decision to make. I try to 'reward' my PIL for good behaviour, inviting for dinner, doing an extra visit or whatever, and back right off when they're being demanding. My hope is that on some level they will understand why!

WinniePooh101 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:26:42

I'm so angry with myself for letting it reach this stage, I wish I'd nipped it in the bud months ago but I honestly thought perhaps I was being a bit OTT. Most of my friends/colleagues work full time and their babies are in nursery so everyone has told me how lucky I am to have family close by. But I do feel I've made a huge mistake allowing them to have her one and now two days a week.

MoMandaS Tue 12-Jul-16 15:26:44

Cross posted. Fuming on your behalf! When you next drop DD off maybe say pointedly that you'd like DD to be able to watch you leave and wave, so please leave the door open.

hastheworldgonemad Tue 12-Jul-16 15:28:20

As a mil and gran I find her behaviour appalling op.

The not answering the phone is unforgivable..

She's trying to undermine you and it's time you took back control. No alone time from now. None at all. You visit them with her and visa Versa. End of.

ThisIslandGirl Tue 12-Jul-16 15:28:20

Yanbu.

'MIL keeps telling me my daughter needs a hair cut, she asked today when I'm taking her to have her hair cut and reminded me they want a locket'

When you do decide to get her hair cut you can conveniently 'forget' to keep some of her hair for this locket.

OnesieTheQueensSelfie Tue 12-Jul-16 15:29:10

shock. Has your DP passed on the message? If mil cuts her hair that would be unforgivable.

MilesHuntsWig Tue 12-Jul-16 15:29:19

Wow YANBU that is completely OTT, she is overstepping the mark and I would get DH to step in here.

She's your daughter and he needs to manage your MIL (does he agree they're overstepping the mark here?).

Oldraver Tue 12-Jul-16 15:29:29

Seriously I would picked up my DD and walked out the door...why on earth are you allowing this to happen

hastheworldgonemad Tue 12-Jul-16 15:30:34

Watch out for the hair cutting stuff as mils have been known to do it themselves!

Again as a mil and gran I would reiterate no more alone time.

MouldyPeach Tue 12-Jul-16 15:31:02

I'd stop the visits and tell them why. You don't mention FIL is he just as bad or is he more reasonable - could you talk to him?

WinniePooh101 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:31:07

Good point. I think today she crossed a line though. I'm speaking to DP about it this eve. There will be a huge backlash from it. I'm going to look in to playgroups and things that would reduce the time they have with her. God I'm so glad I've got maternity leave coming up, being at home will give me the prefect reason to stop these visits even if its only for a few months.

hastheworldgonemad Tue 12-Jul-16 15:31:51

My friends mil cut her sons hair aged 2.. It happens. angry bat shit crazy

WinniePooh101 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:34:22

DP has told MIL if she cuts her hair she won't be visiting them again. Tbh FIL is almost as bad. Apparently he feels he wasn't a particularly good dad, always at work and watching sport when he was at home so he seems to be trying to relive his parenthood but this time doing things differently but with my daughter.

mickeysminnie Tue 12-Jul-16 15:37:09

I cannot understand why you didn't just pick your daughter up and leave? Remember, and remind her, that they get to see your daughter through your goodwill. If they don't have your goodwill they won't get to see your daughter unsupervised!

WinniePooh101 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:37:56

Two months ago, we had another upset because they wanted to buy her first shoes, and I thanked them but explained that was an important milestone to me and we would be buying them, MIL got really snappy and told me that granddads always buy the first shoes in their family, so I again told her it was important to us and we would be buying them so FIL said to MIL "Don't worry we'll buy our own!"

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