To be really pissed off with my ex?

(36 Posts)
Welshmaenad Mon 11-Jul-16 22:55:39

ExH and I split 7 months ago, 2DC (primary school age). He works full time, I am a student. I own my new home thanks to my dad releasing money to me following g my mums death 2 years ago. Split was instigated by me as I was unhappy. Ex and I are both in new relationships.

He pays me no maintenance. This was my decision, as at the time of the split I was feeling guilty and worried about how he would maintain his home on his own. He doesn't seem to be struggling as much as I anticipated though, and has just come back from a weekend away with his new partner. I'm not rolling in it over the summer due to no student finance, I get tax credits and CB and my lovely dad has been helping me a little financially so I can afford to treat the kids a bit.

DD has a school residential trip to be paid for. Months ago ex and I agreed we would split large costs like this, several weeks ago he said he would be able to help after payday so on the weekend I asked if he could transfer me done money got his half.

He responded by saying 'I thought your dad gave you money for her trip?'. I said no, dad gave me some money, some for my half of the trip, most went in new clothes for the kids that actually fit,and my gas bill.

This evening at handover I asked him again and he got really arsey. I pointed out that they are his kids, not my dads, and given that he pays zero maintenance it's the least he can do, socially as he's just been on holiday.

He told me he would pay something but that he wasn't paying anything to the upkeep of the house, that my financial worries are 'my problem' and that I was the one who wanted to leave so I could deal with it. His parting shot was 'and I'm not paying your fucking gas bill' at which point J got in the car and left before the urge to punch him became overwhelming.

I pay everything for the kids, all the childcare fees (£60+ a week) their activities which are over £40 a week before you add uniforms etc on top, I started from scratch in my new house because I didn't want to put him in the position of replacing things even though all the major appliances etc were bought as gifts from my parents.

AIBU to want to kill him at this moment in time? angry

stolemyusername Mon 11-Jul-16 22:59:45

Claim child maintenance. Tough shit on him no matter who instigated the split he still has to provide for his children

SlightlyperturbedOwl Mon 11-Jul-16 22:59:57

Probably best to focus your energy on getting proper maintenance payments for the children sorted out. He can't just abdicate responsibility for them. I'm sure someone with more recent experience will be along to advise you soon, but many couples calculate the expected amount based on income etc and agree it between them. Informal adhoc arrangements never work properly long term.

thedishonthecoffeetable Mon 11-Jul-16 23:01:13

Nope, no unread

EDisFunny Mon 11-Jul-16 23:01:34

Get him paying maintenance, it's money he owes his children, not you.

KittyLaRoux Mon 11-Jul-16 23:02:09

Go through the proper channels OP its the only way.

thedishonthecoffeetable Mon 11-Jul-16 23:03:20

Pooh fat fingers posting for me,

No, not unreasonable.

But he really should be paying maintenance, they are this children too.

Lilacpink40 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:04:26

Let go of the guilt. Apply for maintenance for your DCs now. You're claiming for them not for you, so no more guilt.

It took me weeks of counselling to try to get past guilt of going for all I'm due (7mths separated it was his fault as had an affair).

If you know income figures you can check child maintenance figures online.

Good luck with it allflowers

PinkyofPie Mon 11-Jul-16 23:08:09

Claim child maintenance, now! Go through the the proper channels, if he doesn't like it then tough shit. His kids, his responsibility, he's had a free ride for long enough!

pictish Mon 11-Jul-16 23:08:26

Agree that you must organise proper maintenance from him. You have already seen how it's going to be if you don't. He's going to be obstructive and difficult about paying for his own children.
Now you know, don't bother with the rigmarole of conducting upsetting converations with him, just go through the official channels so these sorts of costs can be covered without having to argue the toss.

Welshmaenad Mon 11-Jul-16 23:13:02

To be honest if he's going to be difficult I'd rather just not ask him for anything. I don't want his fucking money if he's going to be that much of an arse about it.

September marks the final year of my degree and I expect to be employed by the agency hosting my work placements on a starting salary of about £30k, which far outstrips his annual income, so knickers to him. The kids want for absolutely nothing as I co er their expenses before I spend on myself. He can keep it. Twat.

ChrissieS79 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:14:16

His kids, he should contribute to supporting them.

HarryPottersMagicWand Mon 11-Jul-16 23:16:00

The thing is, the money isn't for you. It's for his children and he absolutely should be paying for them. It's not really fair for your dad to keep giving you money because you don't want to claim what you rightfully should be from your children's father.

Rainbowqueeen Mon 11-Jul-16 23:19:23

Claim child maintenance. if you don't need it, save it for your kids future.

If you do it officially you don't need to be in contact with him about it

Welshmaenad Mon 11-Jul-16 23:22:31

No, my dad shouldn't be giving me money in lieu of him. You'd think he'd be embarrassed about that but apparently not. However, without getting too much into the dad situ, I e given up arguing with dad about giving me money. He has s sizeable pension income that he doesn't spend and he has numerous health issues which I support him a lot with, he adores my kids and is sad he can't give me practical support so this is how he likes to feel he's helping us. It's only over the summer, I've offered to pay him back out of my bursary but he's not having any of it.

Incidentally the total payable for the trip is £140 so £70 from him. It's not hundreds.

pictish Mon 11-Jul-16 23:23:44

I think this is bigger than your feelings though...even if I can completely understand why you feel as you do. Knickers to him indeed. However, he is responsible for his kids - why shouldn't he pay for their upkeep?

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 11-Jul-16 23:27:25

So he agreed to fund half of all school trips instead of paying CM you asked him for half and he somehow twisted that to please pay my gas bill?

Your child/ren have a right to financial support from both parents, someone who is going to do what it sounds like he has done ,ay need a bit of help to understand this. A CMS application will do that.

Welshmaenad Tue 12-Jul-16 06:30:57

sockamnesty I think it's more that he doesn't want to feel like he's in any way shape or form 'funding' my life after I had the gall not to want to be with him any more. Despite the fact that that life involves caring for his children 5/7.

CrazyDuchess Tue 12-Jul-16 06:37:34

Yup this is bigger than your feelings - thats money for your children, and even if you don't need it for day to day expenses, stick it in a high interest account for the kids future.

Go to CMS

honeylulu Tue 12-Jul-16 06:46:22

the money isn't for you, it's for your children. They are entitled to it. Get something in place now and then it's sorted. You then won't be in the position of needing your dad to supplement your income (he might not always be in a position to do this) or if your job situation doesn't work out as you hope. I hope it does but even so, 30k isn't a fortune for three people to live on, especially if you have to factor in daycare costs.

SabineUndine Tue 12-Jul-16 06:51:39

I agree with everyone else. You shouldn't let him get away with this. They're his kids and he should be providing money for them.

LaceyLee Tue 12-Jul-16 07:10:18

Take his money and put it in savings for the kids futures. Don't let him get away with his shitty attitude!

Snapandcrackle Tue 12-Jul-16 07:14:20

Go to the CMS. He should pay to support his children.

If you really think you don't need it then put it in a savings account for them.

DoreenLethal Tue 12-Jul-16 07:16:34

Just to to the CMS. If he is an arse about it use the system that exists.

NerrSnerr Tue 12-Jul-16 07:17:45

You need to claim. It's not for you, it's for your child and and they shouldn't miss out because you don't want the hassle.

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