To think DH needs to be blunt with FIL and ask him to move out!(28 Posts)
DH thinks I am BU, every time I have tried to talk to him about it, he tells me I am being negative and dramatic.
FIL split up with his wife and decided to move home to the country where we live so he could be near us as he hasn't had much of a relationship with DH since he was a small boy and he has met our DC twice.
He moved in with us at the end of April while he found a job and a place to live. For some context, we are pretty hard up. We live in a 2 bed flat with 3 DC, two of which have complex SN. I can't work as I am a carer for them, and DH works long hours. We moved the DC out of their room and into ours on airbeds and in our bed so that he would have somewhere to sleep. This of course was very disruptive and difficult for our SN DC, but they adapted.
After he moved here, it became apparent that FIL had serious health problems that he had been ignoring for about a year. He is a workaholic and has worked himself almost to the point of dropping dead. Long hours, poor diet and stress have been contributory factors to his condition. DH and I sorted him out, forced him to go to the doctor and his health has improved lots. He has been very grateful.
He found a job, and immediately started working ridiculous hours again. But he really dragged his heels about finding somewhere to live, and it was very hard to get him to go on viewings or commit to anything.
Eventually he found a nice flat and put down a year in advance on his rent. Picked up the keys, bought all new furniture ... and is still here. All the stuff is still in flat packs round there, he's been in the place three times in the last month. DH and I have been over, putting together some of his furniture and making it feel homely. But the DC and their needs mean that this is a very slow process for us, and FIL has done nothing himself.
I have sorted out all his bills, there is no reason for him to still be living out of a suitcase and for my DCs not to have a room, but here he stays. On his days off he sits about looking at his phone or the TV rather than being proactive about moving. He's fit enough to work 72hours a week, but apparently not fit enough to put a flatpack together.
He has been very helpful with the DC, babysitting to give us respite, and has bought us shopping a few times, but we have burned through our admittedly meagre savings keeping him.
I have tried to get DH to have a gentle word, but he was hurt that I had mentioned it and thought I was unreasonable. I am very very stressed at the moment trying to sort out a special school place for DC2, so I may not be seeing this rationally, but no matter how kind, old, ill or lonely FIL is, he can't stay with us indefinitely and that he obviously doesn't want to go.
I feel horrible for having mentioned it at all to DH. Should I?
No! There are five of you sharing a bedroom whilst your FIL has a whole flat waiting for him and DH thinks you're unreasonable? Poor you.
Tell fil to stay where he is, you move into his shiney new flat by yourself...
YADNBU, what a waste of money paying for the flat and then keeping you all squashed in one bedroom. Personally I would be building his bed (as that is essential) and saying that while it's been great that you have been able to see lots of him the children really need their room back as its not fair for them to have to share with you and ask him to agree a date he will move out in a few days time so that you can all help him move and get him settled. Help him shop for some food (ready meals if nec. To start with) You can invite him round for family dinner or something the next day, and perhaps suggest he comes regularly once or twice a week so he knows he won't just be on his own always once he moves out, as that maybe the underlying issue.
Your DH is being unreasonable. FIL needs to move out.
If building the furniture is the sticking point could he hire a handy person to do it for him?
Oh, Pottering don't think I haven't fantasised about that! Living alone seems like heaven to me in the midst of all this stress and mayhem, perhaps that's why I'm finding it hard to have sympathy for him feeling lonely.
Slightly he has dodged me trying to do an online shop for him several times, and DH has already done his bed.
I wanted DH to ask him to move out before the school summer hols. DS1 NEEDS his space when he doesn't have the regular routine of school. He needs his Lego and his sensory stuff to help him stay calm.
DH just said that of course FIL would be gone by then, and that any doubts from me were just me being negative.
OMG ya soooo nbu! That situation is intolerable. Get him out.
A handy person is a jolly good idea! I shall look into it at once!
Ludicrous! How utterly selfish. I would be getting in a man to put the flatpacks together (FIL can pay) and get him moved out. Doesn't he realise how utterly utterly selfish he is. Tell him that he is welcome to come round any time (ease him gently into living on his own again) but that you need the space back. Crazy.
It maybe that framing it in terms of your sons needs is going to be the smoothest way forward, but your FIL is probably not used to living alone. Alternatively you could suggest he rents a bigger 3 bed flat for you all to move into I guess -though it certainly wouldn't be my preferred option
A handy person is a jolly good idea! I shall look into it at once!
If you find a handy person with a van you could also ask them to collect your FIL's possessions from your home and take them to his new home. That makes the conversation really easy.
"FIL handy-person can put your furniture up next Wednesday and then move your stuff next Thursday or next Friday. Which one of those would you prefer?"
Are you kidding me? YANBU at all!
I think you deserve a medal tbh.
Sorry but you need to tell him yourself. Smile and say it's been great but you need to get the kids back into their room so he needs to go and give him a clear deadline.
Handyman a definite solution to the practical issue. Reassure him you will still see him often but you really do need your lives back.
Please post back and tell us you have done it.
He has until school breaks up in a few weeks - that's more than enough notice.
Don't you have friends coming to stay next weekend? It has been planned for ages and he has to move out well before to give you time to clean for your guests.
Sit down and diary in hand and family meeting it, you will help FIL grocery shop online tomorrow for delivery on thur morn at new flat. OH will be available tue and wed eve to help transport stuff etc.
Not a negotiation!
Move him out then cancel guest friends (unless they are bringing wine & take out - what's one more night right?).
Job done - change the locks!
Also explain quietly to your dp before hand that you will be moving to the new flat on wed by yourself if FIL does not. You are not joking.
Your DH lost his dad once when his dad buggered off abroad and didnt make the effort to see him, in his head if he asks his dad to leave he may lose him again.
He may not be consciously thinking that but I would put money on that being the problem. So I think that you need to step up and give him 2 weeks notice, plus an invitation that he can come for dinner a couple of times a week to see DH and the kids.
It's bad enough that you're struggling to make ends meet yet he is paying for a year's rent without a problem. Can't he help you out?
He sounds awful, tbh, and I bet it's only the previously poor behaviour in your husband's childhood that keeps your husband putting up with his crap.
Your husband is hurt that you don't want to have your kids/inconvenienced over the holidays & that you are pissed off to be 5 in a bedroom?
Is he frightened of his dad?
It's not about disliking him or having no sympathy.
(well it might be but that's beside the point). It's about you all being cramped while he has a place to go to, not being able to afford to put him up any more & presumably the extra work for you-but probably not your husband
Your FIL and DH are both being extremely unreasonable. The current situation sounds intolerable and you're a saint to have put up with it for this long. Your DH needs start putting you and the DC's first, even if that means offending his DF who has no right to be offended anyway!
It's completely ridiculous that you're having to sleep 5 to a room whilst he has a nice flat full of brand new furniture sitting empty. Am also flabbergasted that he has allowed you to burn through your savings feeding him when he can afford to pay a years rent up front . FIL is being utterly selfish and your DH is letting you and the DC suffer rather than challenge that selfishness.
I am not usually one for ultimatums but in your position I would sit DH down and tell him in no uncertain terms that if FIL doesn't move out by the time the kids break up from school, I will. And i'd bloody well mean it.
Give your husband 24 hours to agree a moving out date with his dad (of next weekend at the latest) or you will discuss it with him if he is too cowardly.
And make sure he knows that you will not be nice about it.
Seriously I have no idea how you have not killed them both.
Or if you want a gentler approach - describe the situation to one of your children's teachers and ask their opinion. And then go home and sob in horror at how the teacher said that the situation is damaging your children. (Because they will if the have any guts at all.)
Good grief, you must have the patience of a saint.
I think the suggestion of a handy man is a great idea.
In the meantime, move FIL onto the sofa so that the children can have their bedroom back. Make it very clear to both FIL and DH that the children cannot be expected to out of their routines any longer.
Since April?! I'd be in prison for murder by now. Your DP is being totally unreasonable and your fil is frankly a selfish twat. Give him a deadline.
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