Am I an inbuilt baby sitter for my DH?(128 Posts)
10 weeks ago out lovely baby boy came along, and he is the best little thing in the world. I knew as I was taking all the MAT leave and BFing possible I would be doing most of the leg work. I don't mind, I can't say I'm even missing my job, but I am missing my life a bit.
Expressing hasn't been working for me especially well, I can hardly get a mouthful out of myself, so I understand I'm tied to feeding the baby and that can make going out and about hard, but AIBU if I expect my DH to make similar sacrifices?
Take last weekend, visiting his parents... He spent the whole evening in the pub with his siblings leaving me at the house with MiL then the next day went waking all day with his sister for her training, ending up again in the pub with no room for me and baby to join them...
I was annoyed, but figured he was allowed time away from me and babs to chill out with his family. But I did feel the need to flag that all the times he says, 'you and me nip to the pub.' Quickly became, 'me and everyone else but you...' When it became less convenient. He promised THIS weekend he would take the brunt of baby leaving me to have a bit of chill time.
So now to this weekend. We are up at MY parents, and it was no longer than an hour and a half from getting here that he disappeared off for a few pints with his mate who lives nearby. I made a point of asking if I can join (with baby thinking a few pints at 5 in the afternoon won't amount to much) but he said he needed time to talk to his mate as he had just recently got divorced...
I got him I was annoyed as we just arrived at my parents but understood him wanted to have a few drinks with a friend he hadn't seen for a bit, and agreed to leave them to it. I didn't really fancy turning up to a pub with my baby anyway.
I get a phone call a few hours later saying he was at a party, with this friend and his new girlfriend who had also brought a friend along.... Am I right to be instantly annoyed by this?!? These other 2 girls can go along but I can't? Not that I want to take a baby to a party, but should he be leaving me babysit while he goes out partying?
He returns at around 12am, saying I have no right to be as upset as I am and he should be allowed to drink with his mate.
I feel like he gets to go out and have fun without the same considerations as me, and I'm not sure he should be taking advantage of me as baby sitter. He said the night was worth me being upset with him, which hurts. It hurts more that they stopped to collect these other girls but no effort was made to include me and baby, his family. It hurts that he immediately left my family so quickly and didn't come back. He says that I'm over reacting and that I don't like him going out... Which isn't the case... I would just rather he would include us instead of trying to escape us... Am I mad?
Why would you want to take a newborn to a pub or the party?
He's definitely taking the piss and I would stress that his life has altered and it's not a case of swanning off to the pub and drinking to unsocial hours the needs of the baby should come first.
I wouldn't really want to take the baby to a party, but I would like a consideration is all. If I wanted to see a friend we go to baby friendly places, because that's what I have to do with a baby... But he doesn't see it like that.
I've posted this all twice like a mad women as my internet is patchy and I didn't think it has posted. going crazy
He's a lovely man. And I know he loves us dearly.
His computer games take up a lot of him home time at the moment, which is something that hasn't been a problem in the past. It annoyed the crap out of me, him sitting playing a computer game using his foot to rock the rocker, but it has been happening less since I made a point about it.
He doesn't go out often during the week. But doesn't actively do that much baby looking after either... But I kinda guess that's my job as the stay at home mum and only have minor day to day quibbles...
But we don't go out anywhere together or really do anything but stay at home usually...
The fact he says going out and upsetting you was worth it was the most worrying part of your post to me
I think you need to sit down (when not at either of your parents) and explain that whilst he can go out sometimes life has changed and he has other responsibilities. Discuss together how so far you seem to have made all the sacrifices eg. Given up work, no doubt sleepless nights feeding baby and that therefore you need his support. Explain that you would like him to be considerate of including you when going out and perhaps even suggest a date you are going to meet a friend at the weekend and he will have ds. (Obviously either need to build up supply of expressed milk, go in between feeds or give formula to be able to do this) Only other thing is make sure your including your dh in doing things eith ds. It can be very easy for mum to do everything and not get dh to help because you don't actually need the help. Eg. Get him to change nappies, bath, take for walk/get to sleep so he feels confident and included
Please don't start two threads about the same thing, it's confusing.
He's a twat, by the way.
I know garlic! My internet is crap and I didn't think it posted!! My mistake
I utterly disagree that he has a right to swan off with his sister or mates, to drink without you. You didn't have a baby all by yourself and responsibility for it is 50% his. He is totally taking the piss and wants to carry on living like a person who has no kids. But he does have one and I wouldn't put up with this shit at all. If he was mine there would be no more going out without me and treating me as if the baby was solely mine. He would be pulling his weight or I would dump him - you have one child not two!
He doesn't sound like he actually gets that he is a father and has responsibilities.
does he ever play with your son? Has he changed any nappies?
And yes looking after the baby when he is at work is your job. When he's home he shouldn't be sitting playing video games while you look after the baby and house. Is that how it is?
Definitely not cool. He sounds very immature and unreasonable and like he hasn't accepted his responsibilities have changed. That can be a transition process for men (more than women) but it sounds like he needs a kick
Yes it's your responsibility to look after the baby when he's at work but evenings and weekends should be more equal. He should be mainly keeping you company and providing moral support, changing nappies etc. When they are little you can go out as a couple, before their routine ties you to the house. Of course if you are bf it is easier for him to go out but you should get your turn, even if that means him walking baby round the block while you get a haircut or meet a friend for coffee. Good luck!
Bank it all. When you stop breast feeding, he's staying in.
I remember being in your shoes, it's shit being stuck with all the responsibility, but it's the reality of being the one with milk. It made me resentful, but you don't have to stop socialising when a baby comes along.
Actively excluding you on his family weekend is appalling. I don't think theres anything wrong with going out for a pint with his pal on his own, but turning it in to a big night that was worth upsetting you over makes him a twat, more so for making that statement.
Please don't start two threads about the same thing, it's confusing
I agree that saying the night out was worth you being upset is the worst part - what a dickhead - and continuing to play computer games while rocking the baby with his foot? Is he 12?
He'd better start growing up, and quickly, you have one child to look after, you don't need a man child too
He's massively selfish. Leaving you to do all childcare two weekends on the trot, and when he's at home he's on computer games - this is not ok.
Do you think he's going to listen at all of you speak to him? Or is he always going to accuse you of not 'allowing' him to do things?
He's certainly treating you as an in-built babysitter.
And you seem to be accepting that maternity leave means he doesn't even need to act like a father.
10 weeks after a first baby is born, both parents lives should have completely changed.
A permanent, shared, 24 hour responsibility is a massive deal.
That's being a parent.
He is not being a parent.
He is letting you be a parent.
I would be thinking about asking him to live his single man life elsewhere.
He is not a good or nice man if he thinks fucking off out all night partying is acceptable and worth upsetting you for.
He is massively taking the piss. I would go absolutely nuclear and call him out on every single one of his selfish actions. Involve his family if you need to.
Just because you are BF doesn't mean you are the default parent.
He is taking the kids because you are letting him.
people only treat us how we let them.
Talk to him, tell him this isn't for you, your not the mug thst sits at home all weekend looking after your joint child. If he wants that kind of life he needs to be single.
Set your stall out now and mean buisness. Because you have a very long road ahead of you if you don't.
Stop being a mug:
I think he's been very unkind in saying it's worth upsetting you to have a night out and he needs to apologise and be way more considerate. But I do think it's hard for some dads to help out at the beginning with ebf babies. If they're sad it's often because they're hungry and he can't help out with that, and a newborn baby is hard to 'play' with (although that obviously changes hugely as they get older and start responding more). At the start you're the one who can feed the baby, and I think some men feel excluded (not that you're doing anything wrong at all), but that's no excuse for acting like a twat which he definitely has.
On my first I found that DH found it hard to adjust. We were coming from a full on party lifestyle before and he loved that.
Unlike your situation I was ff and DH was absolutely fine for me to go out and do 50% of the partying. The thing was we had just had a child and I did not want to. I wanted our life to change appropriately.
Pretty quickly he got it but if he had not I don't think we would have survived. I think you need a chat with your DH about making that adjustment and no don't bank babysitting because I don't believe that is the problem it is his unwillingness to make the because necessary life changes that is the problem.
My DH is going on nights out 3 or 4 times this week (typical - he hasn't been out for ages and then all these invites came at once!) I am a SAHM with 3 kids under 5 so will be doing the bedtime routine etc myself those nights. It's hard work but I don't mind because I am certain we are DHs first priority. If I was grotty or baby was teething he wouldn't go. I don't think him going out I'd the problem per se, more his attitude to it.
He is being an arse, though!
It's a shame you don't do much as a family - this week we've been strawberry picking, to the park and out for tea in the evenings and we will have a day out tomorrow too (building a climbing frame today... fml) Would you feel happier if he was as motivated to spend time -proper quality time- with you and baby as he is to spend time with his friends? Have you suggested this - actively socialising together rather than just living in the same space?
You should be able to have an evening (well, part evening!) out once baby is fed... or a morning if that's when LO is most settled between feeds. I haven't bothered expressing for my last 2 but once they're 6 weeks or so I can fill them to the brim, hand them over and escape! You need to prioritise your social life if it is something you're missing.
plipplops it really is not hard for dads to help out with EBF babies. I BF my 3rd and loads of my friends and family have other BF babies and many of the dads get stuck right in if the choose to. Nappies still need changing, babies still need rocking and cuddling and they can be carried around in a sling. I have seen dads be both hands off and hands on when the baby is BF and ff but it is definitely by choice and to me the OP's dh is just not getting stuck in.
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