Have I broken playdate etiquette?

(197 Posts)
m0therofdragons Fri 08-Jul-16 17:35:42

Dd is nearly 9. I work so poor dd rarely has friends over. I finally got my act in gear and invited dd's close friend. We know the parents well enough to chat but that's about it. Anyway, I suggested dd's friend could sleep over. All fine. Then a meal that had been cancelled was rescheduled so there was a clash. I mentioned to dh and he said it wasn't an issue and it's only 3 hours I'll be out anyway. Dh does more school runs than me and is very hands on and capable with our 3dc. I mentioned it to dd's df's mum and she's now cancelled. Dh is really upset and worried how other parents view him. Her reason was that she feels her dd "needs a 'mummy' around".
I'm struggling to understand without being offended on dh's behalf. Dh is far more patient and fun than I'll ever be. He's hosted playdates and sleep overs before for other dc (usually when I'm out with their mums).

SisterViktorine Fri 08-Jul-16 17:38:30

Friend's mum is odd. I feel sorry for your DH sad

Celticlassie Fri 08-Jul-16 17:40:13

She's a dick.

Or maybe it's because she's met you but not your DH so she'd rather you were there. That would be the reasonable answer, but I'd go for the original one. grin

Howlongtillbedtime Fri 08-Jul-16 17:40:18

She is odd not you or your dh .

icanteven Fri 08-Jul-16 17:41:01

Hmm. It wouldn't bother me. It depends on the Dad, really. One who works long hours and is a bit crap with kids, no, esp while children are young and might need a cuddle, but the SAH or generally hands on Dads I know would be fine.

If I felt uncomfortable allowing my daughter to your house when you would not be there to supervise your husband (and what - his incompetence? His safety around young children?) for a couple of hours, I probably wouldn't be allowing sleepovers at your house in the first place.

MargotLovedTom Fri 08-Jul-16 17:42:48

That's a shame for your DH, but he shouldn't take it personally, I'm sure the mother would have done the same with any other family.

pussinasda Fri 08-Jul-16 17:43:06

the womans a loon , what does she thinks going to happen if a mummy figure is not around

MargotLovedTom Fri 08-Jul-16 17:44:23

How would the other mother know what sort of dad he is if she barely knows the family icant?

MargotLovedTom Fri 08-Jul-16 17:45:50

Maybe the girl isn't that comfortable around unfamiliar men.

WorraLiberty Fri 08-Jul-16 17:45:50

She's a twat.

Most 9yr old kids are so busy playing with their friend, that they're unlikely to even notice whose in charge anyway.

Wtf would she 'need a Mummy' for?

ThatAnneGirl Fri 08-Jul-16 17:48:37

The woman sounds doo-lally. I'd ask your dd if she wanted to have another friend around.

m0therofdragons Fri 08-Jul-16 17:53:09

The mum is happy to leave dc with dh for an hour on his own before picking up. I'm trying to be understanding but dh and I are very equal parents so I'm struggling a bit.

Dairybanrion Fri 08-Jul-16 17:53:52

Because women are the more typically nurturing, more caring sex.
Many men don't mind kids. Many women do. Is that so odd a belief?

Many of my friends husbands ...I know if my kids were left with them I'd be confused. I wouldn't leave mine with any male family members cos they'd have them in rugby scrums in the living room. blush

My husband is a stay at home dad btw. He is just as patient and kind as me. But can understand someone having those feelings if they'd never set eyes on my husband.

m0therofdragons Fri 08-Jul-16 17:54:13

The girl is fine with dh. Plays with him in the playground etc.

sooperdooper Fri 08-Jul-16 17:55:28

She sounds like a loon, how bloody ridiculous - and it wasn't even the whole night, just a few hours - what if you'd not mentioned it, you quite easily might not have!

Dairybanrion Fri 08-Jul-16 17:55:40

People calling the woman a loon and a twat!? Honest to god. hmm

Discobabe Fri 08-Jul-16 17:56:17

I can see why it's offensive and upsetting. I'd try not to worry about it though, you don't know what might have happened in the past that might lead to the mum being over protective.

MidnightVelvetthe5th Fri 08-Jul-16 17:56:24

Maybe the child wets the bed & she doesn't want a male handling a half naked DD?

Maybe her husband is hands off & she thinks this is the norm & your dh won't know what to do in an emergency because her dh is useless.

Its unlikely to be personal, just forget it & move on.

Hoppinggreen Fri 08-Jul-16 17:56:48

The mum might be a bit of a loon but I only let my dc sleepover when I have met the parent - so if I had met the Mum but she wasn't going to be there then as far as I was concerned I hadn't met the parent who would be in charge so I wouldn't be comfortable with it.
Wouldn't matter if it was the mum or the dad I would feel the same.

m0therofdragons Fri 08-Jul-16 17:57:03

They've known dh for 4 years.

danTDM Fri 08-Jul-16 17:57:45

I'd be upset too. There is no logic.
Is it possible she cancelled for a completely different reason?

meowli Fri 08-Jul-16 17:59:19

It's not a reflection on your dh. I'm sure this woman wouldn't be happy with any man (apart from her dd's Dad, presumably) looking after her dd. I'm afraid there is a deep-seated belief with some people that women = safety and men = risk for their children. Very sad.

danTDM Fri 08-Jul-16 18:01:07

sorry I see 'she needs a mummy around', well, it's totally ridiculous. Not your fault. YANBU

Dairybanrion Fri 08-Jul-16 18:01:16

Motherofdragons it's her problem. It's not yours.
You do equal parenting etc. If she feels child needs mummy then there might be something else going on. It's too easy to say don't take this personally but try to. smile
Maybe her child is v sensitive and anxious.

m0therofdragons Fri 08-Jul-16 18:03:45

I think you're right meowli
Sadly I don't believe we can have equality when men face this attitude. I do get that some men are rubbish - dh isn't but it'll probably put him off offering in future, which is really sad.

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