SIL & Our Wedding

(466 Posts)
Elleblue78 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:07:02

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

tinytemper66 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:09:00

She could ask for time off without pay.

PurpleDaisies Fri 08-Jul-16 12:09:39

It can be impossible to get term time off in education. Some heads can be nicer but that's unusual.

In all likelihood she isn't being a dick. If you book a weekday wedding you accept some people can't/won't come.

Pootles2010 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:10:32

Its night on impossible as far as I'm aware. Why on earth didn't she get back to you though? What a turnip.

Obviously the children won't be able to go, but I don't see why the husband can't go.

Elleblue78 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:10:49

Just to add - I feel sorry for my Fiance more than anything as he obviously wants his family to attend as well as his nieces and nephews. She does have form for being jealous of him and being a bit immature about things she isn't centre of attention for. Her husband (our Best Man) has told us he is coming no matter what and its her issue if she doesn't come...

AGruffaloCrumble Fri 08-Jul-16 12:11:30

I don't think she is being completely U as that was the risk you took with booking a weekday wedding but she should have let you know sooner. Also, are you expecting her to take the kids out of school? I think it depends on what day it is as well.

PurpleDaisies Fri 08-Jul-16 12:12:22

It really is out of order to just expect someone to take their children out of school for a wedding.

Elleblue78 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:13:30

PurpleDaisies

We realise that people wont be able to come/wont want too - but she is his sister so I probably stupidly assumed that she would WANT to come and try to get the time off. She has had a day off in the past for a appointment with her child which she took unpaid leave for. So I guess I am wondering if I am being unreasonable for her to want to do the same for her brothers wedding.

My friend who is a TA at a diff school has been granted the time off no problem.

YouMakeMyDreams Fri 08-Jul-16 12:14:00

I have friends that are TA's and it can depend on the school. My dc's school head can be a bit of an arse about things like this. Whereas another friend works at another school whose head is very supportive about things like this. So she may know her head will not be delighted and doesn't want the blot on her name by asking.
I am generally of the sometimes unpopular feeling that when you work in a school you accept the fact that you can't attend weekday things in term time. You booked a weekday wedding knowing she feels her school will not give time off.
She isn't bring fair asking you to change it to a weekend if that's what you have chosen but you have to stick to what you said in op and realise not everyone can or will want to come.

Lweji Fri 08-Jul-16 12:14:18

I really wouldn't have booked a weekday knowing it would be hard for her to have a day (or afternoon) off, or outside of holiday time.

Most people wouldn't, which is why you got a good deal.

I'd just accept that she won't go, and find a new best man, or change the venue.

Lweji Fri 08-Jul-16 12:14:36

or change the venue.

Sorry, the date (and possibly the venue).

badtime Fri 08-Jul-16 12:14:45

Purple, either way she is being a dick, if she is saying that her husband and children can't attend if she can't.

MangoBiscuit Fri 08-Jul-16 12:15:05

My sister is a primary school teacher, and she was allowed time off (with lots of notice given) for my wedding. We were supposed to get married on a Saturday, but due to family politics on DHs side, we decided to go with a Friday so long as my DSis could make it (and the other family member was still a dick about it!)

It is possible, but it's not easy. Your SIL is BU to not allow others to attend though.

Elleblue78 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:15:26

Again Purple I am in no way expecting ANYONE to take their child out of school for a wedding (please re read my first thread) I just wanted opinions on HER not being able to get time off at all. I mean how do school teachers/heads deal with sickness, unexpected time off?

user1467101855 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:15:35

It's one day, they have millions of others to learn stuff. If your kids can't cope with one day off school then they aren't doing very well anyway.

As for getting time off, one afternoon booked nearly a year in advance, of course it isn't impossible. People need time off for things, thats called life, And you aren't nearly as important as you think, people can cope without you for a day!

PurpleDaisies Fri 08-Jul-16 12:15:39

She is being a dick by saying the husband can't attend but children should be in school on a school day.

PurpleDaisies Fri 08-Jul-16 12:16:23

user do you work in education?

YouMakeMyDreams Fri 08-Jul-16 12:16:39

An appointment for a child presumably health related is different than a knees up brother or not. Schools can't just authorise absence anymore for things like that so in that respect she's not bring a Dick not taking them out of school.

flowery Fri 08-Jul-16 12:16:52

"I probably stupidly assumed that she would WANT to come and try to get the time off."

Why are you now assuming this isn't the case? She's already said previously that her HT is super-strict about this stuff - why assume the reason she can't come is in fact because she doesn't want to? Do you have any other reason to think she doesn't want to attend the wedding? That would be unusual, for a sister not to want to attend her brother's wedding.

FoxesSitOnBoxes Fri 08-Jul-16 12:16:59

I think she was being unreasonable when she didn't answer when you asked her about it..... To be honest, it seems very odd that DH is close enough to her husband to have him as best man but not close enough to his own sister to have managed to ask her well ahead of time.
Sounds like she's being a bit difficult now if she's not asked the school but is already saying she can't go. How old are the kids? Is it term time? An uncle's wedding isn't necessarily going to be seen as a good enough reason for missing school

RosieandJim89 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:17:50

If she was the teacher then I would say yabu but if she is the assistant then she should be able to get time off. My sister is a TA and had 2 days off last week for a horse show!

Bottomchops Fri 08-Jul-16 12:17:56

YABVU. If any of your close friends or family or wedding party work at a school or attend school, you cannot expect them to come to your wedding. Completely ridiculous that you would book a week day knowing this. You can't even watch the news without seeing parents being fined. I'll be so pissed off to miss my brother's wedding.

FoxesSitOnBoxes Fri 08-Jul-16 12:18:28

Ha, obviously it is term time (sorry!)

Birdsgottafly Fri 08-Jul-16 12:18:33

Who takes time off when the children are ill? It's all very well posters suggesting that she can take time off unpaid, but that depends on whether you need it for emergencies, unless your partner is on a high wage.

No-one can answer this, they don't work where she does. Also, there's going to be the likelyhood of TA's being offered subsidised BA's again, in my region, but that will be on a 'cherry pick' basis. She may be working up to something and wants a good attendance record.

There was a thread on recently, similar but the Sis was a teacher, the consensus was that she shouldn't be put in a position to take time off.

People who aren't 'professionals' are still entitled to build up and feel proud of a good work record.

Lovewineandchocs Fri 08-Jul-16 12:18:57

She's being ridiculous if she is trying to prevent her husband from attending. I'm glad he said he'd be there as best man no matter what. Could she not just come to the evening reception with the kids?

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