Making her wait before introducing her new boyfriend

(36 Posts)
ChronicPainDaddy Fri 08-Jul-16 10:14:16

Hello, I'm wondering what other people think of the situation I fond myself in now. I was with my wife for five years and married for four before she left earlier this year. There were alot of issues in our relationship that I tried to fix but she just went out with her friends on nights out constantly.

We have two young children, eldest daughter is nearly four and her younger brother is 2 1/2. Hes had alot of medical problems from birth, spent a lot of time in and out of hospital, and required alot of medical help even at home that I became responsible for as she couldn't face handling it. He's mostly healthy now, just a few lingering issues, but because I have always dealt with his care he bonded with me more then his mum.

I have been unable to work for two years due to a chronic pain condition but became the kids main carer for a long time due to their mum stepping back, not really sure why.

Anyway towards the end of April she said that she was going to go and stay with friends for a few weeks as a trail separation. During that time we texted and called as normal and nothing seemed amiss and I thought she would come back but on mothers day I pressed her for an answer if she was coming back and she admitted that she wasn't, we were over and then warned me that she might end up in a relationship with a guy she meet on her many nights out, but she didn't have feelings for him. Even longer story cut short, within two weeks she was with him and living in a bedsit that social services had declares unfit for kids to be in for any time. So she came to the house to see the kids, rare as that was, until hee house was cleared for kids, done in the last few weeks nd the kids have been there twice.

However now her boyfriend is moving in with her and she wants the kids to meet him and his two year old, who he has every other weekend, and be a happy little step family.

I've said that the kids aren't to meet him yet as even though she's sure he's now the one for her it's still too soon after she left to introduce him to the kids. She hasn't seen them a massive amount and they are still adjusting.

She says I'm being spiteful because she's with someone else and she can now only have the kids for a few hours at a time as he works til two most days and so will be in the house after that.

I just want the kids to have their mum's full attention when they see her and have made clear that I'm not saying he can never meet them, just not yet.

Sorry for the post getting out of hand and long but I don't have anyone I can really ask this too as my day's are taken up completely by the kids so don't speak to grown ups alot

Flisspaps Fri 08-Jul-16 10:23:46

Rightly or wrongly, you cannot decide when she can introduce the children to her new boyfriend.

Scarydinosaurs Fri 08-Jul-16 10:37:57

I appreciate how difficult this must be for you- but you cannot dictate this to her, it is up to her.

Farmmummy Fri 08-Jul-16 10:39:41

They are still very young to be meeting a new partner so soon. If he really is the one for her then there is plenty of time to focus on making sure that her children are happy and understand what has happened with mummy and daddy before being faced with a new partner

WorraLiberty Fri 08-Jul-16 10:42:12

I understand how you feel but you can't make her wait I'm afraid.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Fri 08-Jul-16 10:44:31

I understand that you feel it's too soon and you'd rather their mum spent the little time she has with your DC concentrating solely on them, but it's not your decision to make. Neither of you can dictate what happens when the DC are with the other parent (unless it's a safety issue) so i think you're just going to have to let it go.

TheUnsullied Fri 08-Jul-16 10:48:57

I get it and I agree with you. But you don't have a say about who she introduces the children to while they're in her care I'm afraid.

ChronicPainDaddy Fri 08-Jul-16 10:55:23

The fact she is with the guy is not the issue that has me asking this. To be honest I'm happier since she left as there is no longer any tension in the household due to her not helping out. The issue for me is that our eldest who turns 4 next month is still trying to adjust to her mum no longer being here. She's alot better then she used to be but will still get upset occasionally. Alot of my weariness comes from how little their mum has actually seen them since she left. Obviously the fact that the kids being unable to go to her house had an impact but whenever she wanted to see them I drove to collect her, as otherwise she would be on buses for two hours, and then once at the former family home disappeared so she could be with them alone. However it could be weeks between visits and there were alot of visits cancelled at the last minute, so many in fact that I stopped telling the eldest she was going to see mummy until the day of the visit and I knew she was going to see them as the cancelled visits where really upsetting her.

Seeing as our youngest has had hearing problems for most of his life and therefore lacks any language skills mean that he requires extra care for every little thing and apparently so does her boyfriends daughter.

So my concern is that until they are regularly seeing their mum and getting her attention, as often her visits have been prompted by the kids godmother staying with her for a few days and wanting to see the kids rather then off hee own back, introducing another person and his daughter is just going to upset them

HopeArden Fri 08-Jul-16 10:56:59

I absolutely agree with you and would hate it if my kids were introduced to some random. She owes the dc her undivided attention, given that she has decided to bugger off and leave them and is being a totally selfish and crap mother in only thinking about what she wants rather than what is best for her babies.

Unfortunately, legally you cannot control what she does when the dc are with her unless there is a safety issue.

Oakmaiden Fri 08-Jul-16 10:57:37

Morally I agree with you.

Practically, as everyone else has said, you are not able to dictate what happens when your children are with their other parent, or who she is allowed to introduce them to. And not allowing her access because her parent is or might be there would be destructive to your children. She may, for whatever reason, have not been their main carer, but she is still their parent and they deserve a relationship with her.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

branofthemist Fri 08-Jul-16 11:04:17

I agree with you. But in reality you can't control this.

You can ask, but you can't force her.

scorpionadmin123 Fri 08-Jul-16 11:05:50

Op, you are asking a bunch of biased women. The kind that want to put a dress on a boy.

Your wife sounds like a horror, your the one that needs a night out, not her.

trafalgargal Fri 08-Jul-16 11:07:40

Legally you can't stop her so probably the best thing is to work cooperatively with her and decide as co parents the best way to introduce him to them. Her lifestyle sounds quite disorganised so setting a schedule for when she sees the kids so everyone knows exactly what is going on would be sensible.

AGirlsNameIsAryaStark Fri 08-Jul-16 11:08:08

I think if it were a woman posting about her EXH introducing a new girlfriend, the responses would be very different.

OP, I agree wholeheartedly it is far too early for them to be introduced to new partners. She only left you earlier this year which means she's been gone probably less than 6 months, your children won't have come to terms with the changes yet and it's unfair on them to be introducing someone so soon regardless of how often she sees them.

If he is the one for her then as a PP said there is plenty of time to introduce them, if it doesn't work out will she be introducing them to the next partner after such a short time again? After such a big upheaval the poor DC need some consistency in their little lives.

I would speak to her calmly and try to reason with her, and say that you're not against it happening at all you just think it's a bit soon. She should be putting her children before a new partner, if he's in it for the long haul I'm sure he'd be prepared to make himself scarce for a couple of hours now and again so your EXW can see them in her house without him there.

ChronicPainDaddy Fri 08-Jul-16 11:08:30

We had a mediation meeting last week and have agreed to starting trying a schedule were she sees them every other weekend for both days during the day, I drop them off in the morning and pick them up at night both days due to our sons overnight care needs. She has agreed reluctantly for the trial during the holidays to not introduce her boyfriend to the kids. I have said to her over and over for months that I'm not being petty and have no issue with him meeting the kids in a few months when their settled as they are still very much adjusting.

And no she's not paying me any money towards the kids, she's expecting me to send her money every month to help her because I get the extra benefit for our sons disability not her

trafalgargal Fri 08-Jul-16 11:10:09

Of course he's asking a bunch of biased women. He doesn't want anyone thinking he's unreasonable in trying to have control over what his wife does.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Fri 08-Jul-16 11:18:15

Then you need to get onto CMS right away. Send her your sons disability money? That's for your son and the increased living costs that come from having a disability, and you get it because your son lives with you. Please do not send her a penny.

The mentality of some parents honestly shocks me.

TheUnsullied Fri 08-Jul-16 11:29:47

Op, you are asking a bunch of biased women. The kind that want to put a dress on a boy.

confused not a particular desire of mine. Not really sure where being biased comes into it here? We're agreeing with the OP in the main. But legally, outside of safeguarding concerns, he really can't do much. The question here is how closely he wants to follow the letter of the law and how likely any other course of action was to hurt his kids. The exact same considerations women have in this situation.

TheUnsullied Fri 08-Jul-16 11:32:03

Don't send her money Chronic. You're raising the kids. She can stand on her own two feet as she's an adult with only her own mouth to put food in.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohtheholidays Fri 08-Jul-16 11:36:30

God she just sounds worse and worse!

No you are completely right!Carry on doing the mediation if you can,keep repeating what you've said on here that the children are still very much finding they're feet with they're Mother being gone and that for now it would be best for your childrens and they're Mum's relationship if they could just concentrate on seeing each other for the next couple of months at least.

With the money do not give her a penny!Your the one looking after the children she should be paying towards helping raise them!

BastardGoDarkly Fri 08-Jul-16 11:37:56

scorpion that was uncalled for?!

Op, you absolutely should not be giving her money!! She's left, she needs to look after herself, selfish cow. Saying that you get extra because of your son's disabilities is disgusting! Stop sending her money.

I'm glad she's agreed to hold off for a bit, YWNBU to be concerned, I would be too, she hasn't exactly shown herself to have their best interests at heart has she?

Good luck with the future, you sound like a great Dad.

Mycatsabastard Fri 08-Jul-16 11:38:02

I'll say the same to you as I'd say to a woman asking if she can stop the exh's new gf seeing the kids. You can't unless there's a safeguarding issue.

However, I do think you have been ultra reasonable and also that you come across as only wanting what's best for the children.

And don't send her a penny. For crying out loud, that money is for your child's needs, not hers. She is quite capable of providing for her children four days a month surely?

I do understand that every parent in this situation wants to protect their kids from further emotional upheaval but ultimately you need to just let some things go and let everything just pan out. I suspect in a few years the novelty of this will have worn off and you won't see her for dust. Much like my ex.

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