To think that dh is an arsehole?

(85 Posts)
Shortbackandsides Thu 07-Jul-16 08:22:42

2 year old dd has been ill and nightmarishly clingy for the last few days. She was quite poorly yesterday so we decided that she needed to go to out of hours once dh got home from work. When he got home, I asked him if he would take her while I stayed at home with ds, as I had been literally going for 3 days clearing up her vomit and diahhrea (sorry if tmi) and had not been able to put her down without her crying. He point blank refused without giving any proper explanation other than 'it's you she looks to for comfort' hmm It wasn't even that he was too tired from work as he is training this week.

We argued and I became upset as I really did need a break but he still refused. The last time she needed to go to the dr he promised to take her (as I had gone with her a few times previous), and in the end he cajoled me and ds into going for the spin in the car. And when we pulled up at the clinic he refused to get out and said i might as well go with her since i was there hmm

In the end yesterday evening I took her myself, between travelling and waiting etc it took 2 hours and when I got back it was past bedtime and he hadn't even bothered to feed our 3 year old ds hmm

Thing is, it's a running theme. He's great at doing the fun stuff with the kids but I do all the difficult things- cooking, cleaning, sorting them out when they need something. He's worse with dd than ds, he claims that she only wants me (which is not true. I think he just hasn't bothered finding out how to comfort her himself).

So now we're not talking. I'm not quite sure what I want from him now but I don't feel ready to talk to him yet. Aibu to think that he should have just taken her? Aibu to think that he needs to step up and do some of the dirty work?

Piemernator Thu 07-Jul-16 08:26:05

I can confirm he is an arsehole and a very large one at that. Speak to him about it at a time when there is not a situation that has to be dealt with immediately. Hope your DD is feeling better.

Kpo58 Thu 07-Jul-16 08:28:24

So why are you with him?

MLGs Thu 07-Jul-16 08:29:47

Arsehole.

In many ways, but the not feeding ds takes the biscuit.

Shakey15000 Thu 07-Jul-16 08:30:01

Yep, agree he's an arsehole.

LotsOfShoes Thu 07-Jul-16 08:31:35

Wow what an arsehole. LTB

Ineedmorelemonpledge Thu 07-Jul-16 08:32:40

YANBU he sounds like a puckered backside of the highest order.

But what do you want going forward?

Perhaps post in relationships on this?

londonrach Thu 07-Jul-16 08:36:51

Why didnt he feed his ds? Did he eat himself? Yes he is in answer to your question. Think you need to quietly mention this to him today.

Shortbackandsides Thu 07-Jul-16 08:39:18

He is normally lovely in every other way and I don't doubt his love for us but this same issue has cropped up a few times and I actually don't know what's next now. Even if he does apologise and I do tell him to get his shit in gear, I don't think I'll be able to forget this for a long time sad

MadameJosephine Thu 07-Jul-16 08:41:45

Total and utter arsehole. 'It's you she looks to for comfort' to me translates as 'I can't be arsed to learn how to comfort my own child' and to not bother to do something as basic as feed the eldest is disgusting, he should be ashamed of himself

Shortbackandsides Thu 07-Jul-16 08:41:54

He hadn't eaten himself. He said that he asked ds if he was hungry and took his word for it when he said no hmm I think he probably expected me to come home and cook hmm Ds was very obviously hungry when I got back sad

seastargirl Thu 07-Jul-16 08:42:47

I was sat there thinking my husband is exactly the same about taking the kids to the kids to the doctors and saying they want me when they're poorly. However he would always step up to the plate with the healthy child and pull his weight there.

Yanbu, he is being an arsehole!

KoalaDownUnder Thu 07-Jul-16 08:43:38

What Madame said.

Arsehole, and a lazy, selfish one at that.

ParisGellar Thu 07-Jul-16 08:44:42

are we married to the same man? My dh is lovely. But when it comes to ds he's clueless. Has no idea how to comfort him and never thinks to give him a drink or food. I have to remind him to do everything. Your dh sounds like a total arse wrt taking dd to ooh. Hope she's better soon

Costacoffeeplease Thu 07-Jul-16 08:45:55

Complete arsehole with massive piles

So you were supposed to cook when you got back?

And this isn't a one-off?

How exactly is he lovely in every other way, because I can't think of any positives that would make up for this fuck up

Flacidunicorn Thu 07-Jul-16 08:47:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Patterkiller Thu 07-Jul-16 08:49:25

Personally for the foreseeable futures for you do meal times I would only cook for you and the dcs. Same for washing clothes and nice days out. Exclude from the fun stuff.

Childish, I know but he needs to stop taking for granted all the boring stuff you do. He needs to step up and get involved in all the crap stuff of life.

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 07-Jul-16 08:50:33

Yep. Arsehole.

EsmesBees Thu 07-Jul-16 08:53:05

It must be hard for you to accept, but lovely people don't tend to leave small children unfed. Especially not their own small children. I think you need to consider what his actions say about him and the type of father/partner he is.

molyholy Thu 07-Jul-16 08:56:52

He is a dick. It always makes me hmm when posters say 'oh but he is wonderful in other ways, helpoos with the housework, good at interacting with the kids'. No, he is a fucking dick. Equal means equal. Would he say about you 'but she is great, she does the lions share of the housework, primary carer for the children, and I just want praise when I deign to help'. He thinks it's YOUR job to deal with the shitty parts of parenting. He is an arsehole.

molyholy Thu 07-Jul-16 08:57:41

Helpoos = helps haha

BursarsFrogs Thu 07-Jul-16 08:58:32

Completely agree with Flacidunicorn.
People like this are not "lovely" hmm

LunaDott Thu 07-Jul-16 09:01:20

OP you must be exhausted. Take some time for yourself if you can. Unfortunately I agree with PP regarding your DH.

flowers

carabos Thu 07-Jul-16 09:02:39

Isn't it amazing how many otherwise fully functioning, healthy adult males, who hold down demanding jobs seem to have no issue with being and admitting to being, hopeless with small children.

They're not really hopeless you know, they just don't want to do it, and they know that the nuclear option of "do nothing" on the part of the other parent is not available.

ICJump Thu 07-Jul-16 09:03:44

He isn't lovely and he is certainly not loving to you and your kids. He is an arsehole.

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