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AIBU?

To just feel lost

12 replies

user1467497716 · 06/07/2016 20:29

Long time lurker here. First time poster. No kids, hope that's ok just after some advice and support.

My fiance and I have been together for 8 yrs. We were due to get married in August. Unfortunately the stress of work, wedding planning, busy social life has taken its toll and he had a bit of a breakdown last Sunday. He hadn't been himself over the last few months, stressed, tetchy, paranoid and I had been trying to deal with it myself however on Sunday I could do no more by myself and realised it was time to get help. I called his sister who came to get him and he's currently down the other end of the country staying with his father. He is being treated for anxiety and has been signed off work.

We have postponed the wedding as hes just not fit to go ahead with this and I can't go into marriage knowing it's not right.

I have moved back in with my parents for now. I'm experiencing a whole range of emotions, after being so strong for so long, I feel upset, angry, lonely and lost. Im still at work, I think that's important to keep busy. It's just after work and the weekend is killing me. I am talking to and texting him but he's not himself, he's distant and I do not wanna contact too much to put him under pressure.

My work colleagues don't know yet....I don't know how to approach it. Parents neighbours keep asking about the wedding plans and I don't know what to say..I've booked myself in with a different hairdresser so I don't have to explain...two friends who know the score had arranged to meet me for dinner...they have cancelled due to being busy.

Any advice/support/hugs on how I contact him, how often? And how to deal with my feelings. I feel so selfish...

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Vixyboo · 06/07/2016 20:32

Can you talk to your parents?

This sounds like a very hard place to be in right now xx

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beetroot2 · 06/07/2016 20:35

How awful for you OP.
I'd not contact him anymore. Id treat it as a relationship now being over.

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MollyTwo · 06/07/2016 20:36

I'm sorry you're going through this have you told your parents the reason you are back with them? If they are understanding then maybe it's better to explain so they won't keep asking about the wedding. As for your fiancé, is he getting any help for his anxiety? It must be really hard feeling in limbo right now, just be kind to yourself.

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Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2016 20:40

Is he talking to his Sister, or Dad?

You're not being selfish, regardless of what he's going through, you deserve some communication.

Has there been drug use, or alcohol misuse? what do you mean by a 'busy social life'.

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pastabest · 06/07/2016 20:47

The exact same thing happened to me, even down to having to get his sister to come and get him! He basically didn't want to get married to me and knew he couldn't go through with it but desperately didn't want to let me down. He had a nervous breakdown in the end and it was horrible. Absolutely awful.

We were getting married because it seemed like the right thing to do. We had been together many years. Had an intertwined life with each other, a mortgage etc.

We broke up, quite amicably, as we couldn't really come back from it. We are both still on friendly terms with each other and happy with new partners.

If it's not right it's not right. Both if you deserve better than living a life like that, and you will meet someone else however hopeless it feels right now.

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user1467497716 · 06/07/2016 20:54

Yes my parents and family know the whole story and have been great. Yes, being honest, alcohol has been a factor, we go out a lot with friends and of late, we would both agree there has probably been too much of it. No drugs. He does talk but his heads not in the right place. He did think people were after us and people were following us. Very very paranoid and anxious. Since going down to his family, he has been prescribed anti anxiety meds which seem to have settled him a bit but he can seem to be fine one minute and then he will start rambling. He did visit the community mental health unit but they were reluctant to do anything as he has never had an episode like this before. He does get fixated on things (always going to same places, watching same films etc)and does worry about what the rest of us would consider little things.

He's 31, I'm 28 and we are both dyspraxia. I don't know if that has any bearing on anything but I thought I'd put it out there anyway.

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user1467497716 · 06/07/2016 21:04

I mean there has been contact...calls and texts but all very brief and I can't really get anywhere with it...it's all very general chit chat.... maybe I'm being too pushy, it's only been just over a week...

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GreenRut · 06/07/2016 21:12

This one is hard isn't it because you've got what looks like, on the outside, a break up but you've got the added element of the breakdown. In your position I'd probably speak to the sister and try to get an honest opinion on how she thinks the land lies, be straight with her and tell her you don't know if it's over, if it's not, see what insight she can give you. And then you also need to decide if you want this relationship because even if he does that doesn't mean you have to stay in it.

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NoMudNoLotus · 06/07/2016 22:50

Are you absolutely sure there has been no drugs?
Cannabis? Legal highs? Anything at all....

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user1467497716 · 06/07/2016 23:12

As sure as I can possibly be during the time that he's with me. However from the Thursday to the Sunday, I was on my hen do. I came back on the Sunday to this scenario. I know he stayed with a friend on the Friday night but he swore he never took anything. His behaviour was so out of character that I did ask but he says he didn't and I can't prove otherwise so I feel I have to accept that.

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springwaters · 06/07/2016 23:15

What did you feel that his sister could provide that you couldn't? has he had a similar experience before that she managed?

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user1467497716 · 06/07/2016 23:25

As I said I have been dealing with this on my own for months. I never uttered a word to anyone as I thought I could deal with it. Then Sunday happened and I could just talk no sense into him, nothing I said was getting through...he was still convinced that people were following us, were after us. Right down to cars coming in and out of the street. I just thought that me and him both needed help, I couldn't do it on my own anymore, his family needed to know. I knew his sister would maybe a calming influence, she's very sensible but in a sensitive way and I knew that maybe she would be able to talk him into realising he needed help. She also is qualified in psychiatric care even though she doesn't currently practise in it. She said I did the right thing, though states I should have called sooner.