To ask for survival stories of how you stopped obsessing over an ex who is now is a new relationship? Any pearls of wisdom appreciated.

(20 Posts)
Flamingo1980 Wed 06-Jul-16 19:55:00

I found out recently that my ex has started to date someone new. I'm so so annoyed with myself as to how much I'm obsessing over them and I really need to stop.
The most ridiculous part is it was ME who did the dumping as my ex was such a dreadful partner and I couldn't stand it so I ended it. I must have had some feelings obviously because I now can't stop thinking about them being together and having a wonderful time while I'm single and not.
Please please tell me ways you stopped obsessing over your (no good) ex as I need to get through this before I drive myself mad.
Thank you lovely people.

Sighing Wed 06-Jul-16 20:11:12

It is said the best revenge is living well. Him getting on with his life has obviously stuck in your throat.
Stop defining yourself as somehow less because you are single (which you are somehow doing here by assuming they're having a wonderful time and you're not).

ENJOY your singleness and not being stuck in a relationship with someone unsuitable. ENJOY your freedom, make new goals and live without the millstone of a dreadful partner.

flowers sorry if that is a bit of a kick. But you're obviously looking for better (and good for you gor valuing yourself to have better).

Flamingo1980 Wed 06-Jul-16 20:31:10

Thank you sighing. You're right I do value myself enough to believe I deserve better. It was such a crap relationship I feel sorry for the new woman but I also feel jealous of her as well which is really messing my head up hence partly why I can't stop thinking about them!

Damselindestress Wed 06-Jul-16 21:00:53

Block them on all forms of social media so you can't torture yourself by looking up photos of them together. Find a break up song that expresses your emotions and play it when you're feeling down. I suggest We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift or Send My Love To Your New Lover by Adele. Or really anything by Taylor Swift or Adele. Find a new hobby to focus on to distract yourself, it might even be a way to meet someone new. Good luck!

poorbuthappy Wed 06-Jul-16 21:03:51

Time was the only thing which worked for me.

WhooooAmI24601 Wed 06-Jul-16 21:08:55

I second Damsel's suggestion of a complete embargo on any communication or social media contact til you're over them. All this trying to remain civil stuff should be reserved for folks with children together, everyone else needs to call it quits and forget the other person.

Time helps, too. But block, block, block til time's healed you.

HopeArden Wed 06-Jul-16 21:09:57

Agree that you need to go completely nc - delete from fb, tell mutual friends not to talk about him to you. Behave as if he didn't exist. Get rid of anything you associate specifically with him. Obviously if you have dc together this will need handling slightly differently, you can't just bin stuff for example because he is still their dad, although I would still say that communication should be by email or text and only about the dc.

Make your own life better, so that his doesn't look so great by contrast.

List all the reasons he was a bad partner and all the things that are better/easier now. Look at this list when you start thinking about him. You are not missing out.

RaeSkywalker Wed 06-Jul-16 21:15:47

Yes, NC is the answer. My ex is blocked on Facebook, I've deleted/ destroyed all photos of us, thrown away/ charity shopped all gifts. Deleted his phone number, avoided events I knew he'd be at until I felt better (don't become a recluse obviously!) I got properly back into exercise and felt good about myself for the first time in years. This was 7 years ago- I met DH just after we split (DH and I were friends for a while first). If I see my ex in Tescos now I just smile and say "hello" breezily and keep waking.

Hope you feel better soon flowers

Flamingo1980 Wed 06-Jul-16 22:11:49

Thank you ladies. I went NC when we broke up a few months ago and we have no kids thankfully. I was mostly getting over us breaking up but hearing about this new relationship has just put me in a massive tailspin.
Do you recommend any books or CBT or anything else helpful? I will try anything!

revealall Wed 06-Jul-16 22:45:26

Problem is if you do stuff to get over him it's actually encouraging you to think about him.The opposite of love us indifference.

I agree with posters who said " time" and destroy anything that reminds you of him including Facebook, email contacts etc. And her. Do not online stalk her.
I found Relationships on here was helpful because you realise how normal it is to feel how you do.
Also Basement Jaxx's " Good Luck" ( good luck, good luck, ...good luck in new bed ... etc). Cheered me up no end.

Flamingo1980 Thu 07-Jul-16 11:46:48

Has anyone had CBT to help them get over someone?

VioletVaccine Thu 07-Jul-16 12:28:11

Totally agree with PPs, block block block.

You say that you "heard" about his new rship.. Did you actually hear about it through the grapevine, or did you see it yourself on Facebook? wink

If someone in your own circle actually said "hey, I see Dave has got another girlfriend", you need to be forthright and tell these shit stirrers friends that you have no interest in hearing about what 'Dave' is doing now (even if you have).

He was no good for you, you said so yourself. When you ended the relationship, you did so because you knew were worth better.

And you still are! He hasn't changed, and neither have you- you're still worth more than his new girlfriend has set herself up to have with him, OP.

Cold turkey all the way. Delete his number, and clear your inbox of any old texts he sent.
You don't want to be sat quietly half-pissed one night and rediscover one of them.

Delete and block him on FB, and block her too for good measure.

And don't feel like you need to rush into finding someone else now, because relationship=happy, and single=lonely!

If anyone looked at my FB page now, they'd see me and happy smiling DH, a cover photo of happy, smiling DCs, and a pretty happy history.
But at home, things are pretty shit at the moment for a few reasons. People rarely present the full image of themselves to everybody, only cherry pick the best parts, because it's social media, not a Diary.

And she probably doesn't know a thing about your XP yet, she's to be pitied not envied.

I don't know about CBT purely to get over a relationship, I do think though that perhaps CBT might help with other issues that influence decision making, and if it is a pattern of behaviour (ie, naturally gravitating towards unsuitable men for example). Idk if this applies to you though, Flamingo.

Alasalas2 Thu 07-Jul-16 12:33:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

acasualobserver Thu 07-Jul-16 13:15:37

Easiest way of killing one obsession is to get a new one. Get back out there, girlfriend!

MrsHardy1 Thu 07-Jul-16 16:09:30

Remember all his bad traits and think about how she will have to tolerate them now, not you.

Greyponcho Thu 07-Jul-16 18:14:43

Go NC, even with mutual contacts (you can reconnect with them in time if you feel you can handle it).
Maybe see a counsellor - it can help to talk things through with someone who doesn't have a biased opinion on things.
Be kind to yourself - give yourself time.
I can't deny how much it hurt me, even though for just a couple of days, when I first saw my exP now had a little boy (probably because I can't have DC at the mo) even though we split 9 years ago <hopes that's normal>

BerriesandLeaves Thu 07-Jul-16 18:50:28

Easiest way of killing one obsession is to get a new one. Get back out there, girlfriend!

This was the only thing that worked for me too.

Chinnychinnychin Fri 08-Jul-16 07:30:28

Sounds like the old cliche 'I dont want you but I don't want anyone else to have you'. Such an uncomfortable place to be. Agree with the NC advice above. And keep busy! I've been there too and it was only time that healed.

nutbrownhare15 Fri 08-Jul-16 08:08:11

I've been there. Dumped my useless ex. Within 3 months he had gone to visit someone abroad who he met online and they got married 6 months later! I knew he wasn't for me but it hurt so much knowing he was happy with someone else. It was like he'd got all the power back. I started emailing and calling him again which was a very bad move. What helped was joining a dating site and distracting myself with the profiles of other men. You know you made the right decision, so keeping thinking back to what made you make that decision and how you felt when you dumped him ( sad hurt angry but also a bit powerful that you had ended it?) would be the best thing rather than thinking about him and new gf. Their lives are immaterial to yours and you know your life is so much better without him in it. Good luck!

Piemernator Fri 08-Jul-16 08:36:32

The classic to get over someone just get under someone else springs to mind. Not my advice I hasten to add.

Personally any break up I have had I have just cut it dead because it meant they were simply not good enough, I have always dumped them though. Then again I view men as great as mates but irritating as fuck as lovers as they demand my time.

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