To ask partner to rehome cats?

(291 Posts)
FruitCider Wed 06-Jul-16 07:41:26

I honestly think this is going to end my relationship.

I have recently been rereferred back to a respiratory consultant after failing all winter to get control of my asthma and having countless oral steroids. I nearly ended up on a respiratory ward in April as my asthma was so severe.

Anyway, I finally got my allergy test results from September 2012 (that was the last time I saw the consultant) and they show I have quite a severe allergy to cats.

I rehomed 2 cats with my partner from a rescue 7 years ago. My respiratory consultant has said the only way to step up my medication now is to move to anti inflammatory injections once a fortnight and she "would be loathed to do that to me whilst I still have cats". She is telling me in no uncertain terms the cats need to go.

I tell this to my partner of NINE YEARS, whom I have a 3.5 yo daughter with, and his reaction? He can't abandon the cats, therefore he wants to seperate and move out with them. He wants me to compromise by agreeing to keep the cats despite the impact on my health. His argument is that I use an electronic cigarette and need to quit that first. I lost my dad 6 months ago to cancer and honestly think I would start smoking again if I didn't use it

Have I gone completely mad? Or is it reasonable for my partner to threaten to seperate with me if I don't keep the cats? I feel absolutely devastated, unloved, and unwanted. I just can't believe he would toss me go one side like this. He is now threatening to leave me and take our daughter with him unless I back down. I will literally have no-one or nothing left if they go.

AIBU to expect my partner to not leave me for the cats?

waitingforsomething Wed 06-Jul-16 07:44:18

Your partner is unbelievably unreasonable. This is one of the most unreasonable things I've ever read on here. If your partner has such a small amount of respect for your relationship that he would leave you over cats that are making you ill then you're better of without him. He can't take your daughter btw assuming you are primary carer.

FuzzyOwl Wed 06-Jul-16 07:45:54

I know I will be in the minority but I can see his point if these are loved pets and you are using an e cigarette. Has you doctor advised you to stop that as well?

I am sorry to hear about your dad and the situation you are currently in. Could you compromise about the cats and have them live in one room and a garage or something similar?

Finally, are you sure your partner is happy in the relationship and isn't using this as a get out clause?

icelollycraving Wed 06-Jul-16 07:46:02

Well I'd be letting him leave with the cats. Pets become part of the family but it's affecting your health,so could a friend or relative have them so your 'd'h could still have contact?

IceRoadDucker Wed 06-Jul-16 07:47:43

YABU. Pets should be no more disposable than children, and I assume you wouldn't be rehoming your child.

There are compromises here. Confine the cats to a certain part of the house when they're not out. Limit your exposure.

wheresthel1ght Wed 06-Jul-16 07:48:05

If he is saying you give up smoking and he will then give up the cats I actually think he has a point and is being quite fair.

I am an asthmatic and even my mums stupid vaping sets me off.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 06-Jul-16 07:48:10

If the consultant told you to stop with the E cigarette then I'm guessing he's annoyed about you putting your health in danger for your pleasure and not your families

If your consultant didn't then he's using it as an excuse to get rid of you and it's not about the cats at all. You need legal advice - are you the primary care giver for your daughter?

FruitCider Wed 06-Jul-16 07:48:10

I'm not the primary carer. He was working part time until Monday to look after her whilst I did my degree. He only went back to work full time on Monday.

Lighteningirll Wed 06-Jul-16 07:49:37

Sorry but you need to stop the e cigarettes to have any moral high ground here

LaurieFairyCake Wed 06-Jul-16 07:50:25

Then you're in a tricky position if he wants to break up as he has just as much right if not more to have your daughter live with him.

Are you quite sure it wasn't joint care you did - degrees unless nursing are often 10 hours a week

FruitCider Wed 06-Jul-16 07:50:43

The consultant is pleased I've quit smoking and would rather I carry on using that than start smoking cigarettes again. I've tried several times to quit the e-cig before and now is not the time to be doing it!

AddictedtoGreys Wed 06-Jul-16 07:51:00

I think he is being awful. However, I do think you need to give up the e cigarette. I understand cats are part of the family, I have my own pets. But if my pets were affecting my DH health that badly I would of course sadly rehome them. It honestly sounds to me like he was just looking for an excuse to leave.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 06-Jul-16 07:51:09

You think he wants to break up don't you? sad

ApostrophesMatter Wed 06-Jul-16 07:51:24

YABU. Pets should be no more disposable than children, and I assume you wouldn't be rehoming your child.

Utter claptrap. They are only cats not humans. Tell him to start packing, OP.

Finola1step Wed 06-Jul-16 07:51:26

Cats need to go.

When I met DH, I had my beloved girl. We dated for two years before moving in together. My girl had to go and live with my mum. I couldn't see dh having to do another hospital trip because of cat vs asthma. My girl lived another glorious 12 years at mum's being the centre of attention.

But he is right. You do need to look at the e cigs again. Maybe not now though. And I'm really sorry for your loss flowers.

Cheby Wed 06-Jul-16 07:51:28

Why aren't you giving up e cigs if you have asthma? I'd echo what Laurie said above.

FruitCider Wed 06-Jul-16 07:51:49

I did a nursing degree... 40+ hours for 3 years. I finished on Friday hence changeover of him going to work full time.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 06-Jul-16 07:54:02

I knew you were going to say nursing

I'd shut the fuck up about the cats if I were you until you'd established your role as joint/ primary carer again.

If you don't want him to go and actually continue to provide primary care then you need to play the long game.

Really sorry for you flowers

Tryingtostayyoung Wed 06-Jul-16 07:54:16

Op flowers this is absolutely horrendous. IMO if he was happy in your relationship then he wouldn't be doing this, it sounds to me like a get out, treating someone like this is not love, you deserve someone who puts you first. Also do not let him emotionally blackmail you with your child, that is awful and bad parenting in itself, a child is not an object and he can't do that anyway, you are by law the child's primary resident carer until he takes you to court. I'm sorry but if I were you I would be seeking legal advice.

SideOrderofChip Wed 06-Jul-16 07:54:18

YABU.

You are still using an ecig and you want him to get rid of the cats. Maybe when you have stopped using all triggers yourself them talk about the cats. They aren't inanimate objects and were in a rescue once. That is traumatic for animals as it is let alone going back.

Does your consultant know that you are using an ecig?

Milzilla Wed 06-Jul-16 07:54:30

Look at other options to make this work. Cats live in kitchen with cat flap to outside? Partner commits to cleaning kitchen every day.

sooperdooper Wed 06-Jul-16 07:54:56

He's being a dick but I see his point about the e cigarette and you need to at least try and give that up first. If I was in you DPs position and was having to consider rehoming my dog I would want every other possibility considered first

IJustLostTheGame Wed 06-Jul-16 07:55:16

Yanbu.
E cigs are not as dangerous as real fags. They may not be good for you but in this case the cats have been confirmed as badly affecting your health.

If you did want to quit the hand to mouth thing though I've found nicotine lozenges to be really effective. You have to start on one the second you get a 'fag' light bulb in your head rather than wait until you're gasping.

KittyLaRoux Wed 06-Jul-16 07:56:23

YABU. Pets should be no more disposable than children, and I assume you wouldn't be rehoming your child

The OPs child is not making her ill! What a silly comment to make.

OP I love animals but they would not come above my health. I have asthma and it isn't some minor complaint. Asthma is serious and can be life threatening.
My mum has a cat which generally lives upstairs but when I visit her my breathing, after a few hours becomes worse despite it not being in the same room as me.

I can see why your partner is upset as you are vaping and he must get rid of his pets BUT how upset would he be if you had an asthma attack that proved fatal?
Stop vaping, use patches or gum or the mouth spray and ask him again how important your life is to him.
If he still wants to leave then let him go as he clearly does not care enough about you.

IJustLostTheGame Wed 06-Jul-16 07:56:39

And quitting the e cig isn't going to have an effect on your cat allergy, which is the real issue.
So personally I wouldn't compare the two.

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