To let 4 yo share our bed

[ChangedNameToComplain]

DD turning 4 this month and still sleeps in our bed. This isn't for any lentil weavy reasons (she was in her own cot from 6 months - 3 years) but we have a big bed and it's really no bother to us that she now has chosen to come in every night at around 11.

A health visitor friend (not my actual HV) has told me today that I need to start forcing DD back to her own bed before she starts school in September. That it will be better for her developmentally and that its 'wrong' for her to be with us. She didn't really elaborate though and then went on about how it wasn't fair on my DH (who is perfectly happy with the arrangement and enjoys her snuggling between us too)

I'm just failing to see how it could affect her development. Any idea?

[Letmehaveausername]

My two still get in my bed and they're over the age of 4. Not every night mind you but I'll regularly wake up with one or the other and sometimes both of them in next to me in the morning.

They're both healthy, happy kids who are doing good. Neither has any developmental issues unless you count a stammer, but that's nothing to do with sleeping in beside me and everything to do with his sibling not having let him get a word in edge ways for years (despite being repeatedly told not to speak for him!)

In my experience co sleeping has always been lovely and I've never had developmental issues with either of them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, though you might find that she's more and more reluctant to sleep alone the older the gets. But so long as she goes to sleep in her own bed before she comes into yours I don't see any issue with it

[Pico2]

My DD comes into our bed some nights. It doesn't seem to have been an issue having started school last September.

If you ever mention to a group of other parents that your child sleeps in your bed, a few turn out to do the same - more than you'd imagine. They often seem relieved that it's not just them.

[Cabrinha]

I presume the HV is getting at two things:

1. "Developmentally" keeping her a baby and not encouraging independence
   

1. Limiting sex and therefore detrimental to your relationship
   

My 7yo is draped over me as I type this, in my bed where she always is, when with me (divorced)

She's a confident happy independent child whom teachers say has above average maturity. She happily sleeps without me if there's a better offer - visiting cousins! Goes off to sleep on her own. Sleeps alone at dad's house. There are no emotional "issues" here - she just likes to cuddle. All good.

I have a fiancé who regular stays. We all cosleep (I'm in the middle)
Occasionally if there are other visitors we might say "bugger, we can't shag!" But our sex life doesn't suffer - plenty of sofa action.

If you're happy and your husband is happy and your child is happy - at ease! Cosleeping is fab!

[MrsHardy1]

My 3.5 year old has always slept in my bed. My HV said there's nothing wrong with it. Also have a brother 12 years younger than me that slept in my bed until he was 7 and I left home. Can't see how it's going to damage children myself!

[moofolk]

Cabrhina's spot on with the main issue.

co-sleeping = lots of sex in the living room.

I never know how many people i'm going to to wake up next to. Not as rock n roll as it sounds....

[hmmmum]

I can't see how it would affect her development, either.
It's just our culture's obsession with independence. In many other cultures whole families share rooms.
My now 5 year old dd comes into our bed if she wakes in the night. Her development is good and she settled well into school.

[Brokenbiscuit]

My dd co-slept until she chose not to - probably when she was around 5/6ish, though occasionally she'll still want snuggles even now! She is 11.

I was told by our HV that it wasn't good for her "development" and that I should force her into her own bed regardless of the tears. I ignored her advice because I instinctively felt that she was wrong.

Now, at 11, I'm frequently told that dd is exceptionally confident and mature for her age. I don't think that's because of the co-sleeping, but it clearly didn't do her any harm.

[janey77]

I'm with Cabrhina. My child is 5 years old, happy, confident, intelligent and independent. She just likes coming into our bed for a cuddle, or sleeping in with me if her dad's on nights. If that's the worst thing I can say about her then I'm delighted! As for worries about your sex life, those people have no imagination

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

You know you're own child, and If it works for you, then. AFAIAC. That's fine. My goodness they grow up so quickly, anyway.
I used to go and get my dd out of her bed and bring her in with me to snuggle and chew her up.
On a serious note. She's not going to be getting in your bed when she's 14, is she.

[ChangedNameToComplain]

Phew! Thanks for support

ilive maybe I should also confess that on the rare nights where she hasn't woken up and come in, I've gone and got her anyway! Would miss her too much now and I think deep down I know these lovely days are numbered

[ChangedNameToComplain]

Ps typing one handed as I hold a lovely little foot!

[coolaschmoola]

Mine is in with us every night... Didn't come in our bed at all until she was 2.5yo!

[memememum]

Your rest is important too. If you're comfy and happy as you are then go with. Forcing her back to bed will be a very tiring process which may oray not have the mental or physical resources to cope with. We are at the 'let him snuggle in order to get any sleep' stage, as 4 years of broken nights have taken their toll we have nothing left to tackle it. Luckily he's very cuddly!