Being an untrusting cow?(24 Posts)
I've just had a big 'chat' borderline argument with DH...
To set the seen I used to be quite a jealous / insecure person (v bad experience in previous relationship) but I've worked hard with DH on myself to TRUST and I do trust him but at times get jealous of others and can worry he might leave me for another. This is based on nothing as he never gives me a reason to worry. I've been much much happier and more secure over the last 3 years or so.
Anyway this eve we received a group message from an old friend on FB. DH was on my laptop and I wanted to text this old friend to say thanks and respond to the question they had asked. I asked DH to look up the message so I could read it again. DH (in my mind) then did something weird and logged into his FB (where the new message was showing) and then quickly logged out and went into mine. I asked him why he has done that and he got quite annoyed/seemed flustered. I said it seemed a bit odd and asked why he didn't just read it in his messages, then I said something like 'is there something there you don't want me to see' anyway he went mental. He showed me the message / his inbox and then we argued about it for ten mins or so. There was nothing to 'see' and he said he thought I had said 'log into my FB' and so that is what he had done.
Now, in hindsight I can see I must have come across as a bit mental. In my mind if he did this to me I would laugh it off (he never does) and console him that he will never need to worry. In his mind I am undermining him, I am accusing him of things and I am 'deeply offending' him (his words) by not trusting him.
We've made up now and we've both accepted that I was wrong to 'accuse' but he over-reacted a bit (maybe?) by being so angry not to mention defensive about it all.
I'm interested really to hear what others would think. I think I've definitely got issues around trust (DH always told me that in the early days) but I'm wondering how others deal with it?
For those who do trust completely would you never ever even consider needing to 'check up' if something like this happened? I can't imagine ever feeling so secure in myself that I would never feel slightly worried my DH might potentially get up to something at some point in our life. Writing that has made me rather sad but I've realised I actually do feel like that!
I should say he's a very trustworthy man, never given me any reason to worry, shared passwords etc but I'm still a bit insecure aren't I? I have been like this in every relationship I've ever had and this is by far and away the happiest one.
AIBU / Was I to be concerned by this logging in / out of FB when I was watching? I'm starting to think I've got a real problem and want to ask others what they would have done?
Note - he didn't call me an untrusting cow! That's what I'm calling myself now!
I'm a bit like your husband, in that I feel flustered and awkward if my other half sees my facebook, because he might see my "private" conversation. I don't talk crap about him, and I'm not cheating, so there is no other reason for me being flustered, than simply liking having a bit of privacy when I talk to my friends. I can't explain it, but it might be the same case. Or he might have had a rant about you to a friend and not wanted you to accidentally see. Not great, but hardly a massive issue!
Or, you could get into his fb and check up on him. Regularly.
Jesus I could have written this.
It's destroyed my once perfect relationship to the point that I am 19 weeks pg and sleeping at my mothers. He hates me now as I've worn him down over and over but my head just won't quit.
It's a fucking awful, awful place to be.
If it continues get counselling with CBT immediately before you get worse.
Insecurities are fucking awful. I'm sorry you're going through this.
timelytess you are, of course, joking. Aren't you?
Maybe he just though "I thought we'd got past all the trust issues and OMG we haven't "
It's pretty horrible to know the person you share your life with doesn't trust you.
"Maybe he just though "I thought we'd got past all the trust issues and OMG we haven't "
It's pretty horrible to know the person you share your life with doesn't trust you."
This. I think, OP, that if your reaction was the first time you'd shown jealousy/mistrust then his reaction would have been as you described - he'd reassure you. But he's probably on a hair trigger because there is now baggage and it's all a bit repetitive and insulting now. This argument didn't take place in a vacuum, there is history there.
You do have issues and instead of expecting your partner to solve them by modifying his behaviour/accommodating your insecurities, you need to be finding some counseling ASAP. It's just not fair to put this burden on someone else. Partners and boyfriends aren't trained therapists.
Being with a paranoid, insecure person is extremely hard work and frankly I don't know why anyone bothers.
What Lilac said. There is nothing at all in your relationship to suggest your dh is in any way responsible for this; this is entirely your problem, as much as if you had an alcohol problem or a drug problem - regardless of what in your past had triggered it. Being constantly mistrusted saps a person's energy and undermines their confidence. It is a mild form of abuse.
Am afraid that for me this would be a dealbreaker, unless the person really took steps to deal with their problem.
I have been happily with dh for over 30 years and never even thought about being unfaithful. But I would never accept that he had a right to read my private messages. Deeply offended would be putting it mildly.
You need help and pronto, OP. I'd be running for hills if I was your DP. Nothing worse than being suffocated and with not an inch of personal space.
Sorry to be blunt but as others said, get some counseling.
Hi op, i just posted in relationships earlier today about my insecurities/trust issues. Again, my husband hasn't really done anything to make me feel that way but I can't help it. After reading the replies I am going to seek help. Reading your post has made me feel slightly better that there are other people who feel like i do (with no good reason!) so hope it's reassuring for you to know you're not alone. But you probably need to think about getting help too
I was really insecure in my relationship for the first few years too. Totally my issues. I got better the longer we were together but after about 10 years I had a wobble and strongly suggested DP was cheating (drunkenly for no apparent reason). He just looked at me and said, "do you honestly believe I would do that?" Honestly, no. No trying to reassure me, pat my hand or whatever, just common sense. And he was right to get straight to the point - it was totally unnecessary and ridiculous for me to suggest anything. I think your DP probably feels the same. I'm sure he'll accept your apology and you'll both be fine. He obviously really cares about you to have gone through it all with you for so long. Sorry you're feeling this way. I think time is the best reassurance, but your DP sounds really nice too.
Dh went through a phase for no reason where he thought I was going to leave him for someone else.
This sort of thing happened a lot. For example, If I was texting and happened to finish when he came near, I would be accused of hiding something from him.
At first I reassured him. But after a while I did consider leaving. I was fed up of trying to change my behaviour to try and placate him. In the above example if he came near me when I was texting, I would purposely leave my phone on the text screen and set it in the table so he could see. And I got fed up.
I got fed up of feeling I couldn't have a private conversation with friends or family. That he had to know who I was talking to. That he had to have all my passwords. I am entitled to a bit of privacy.
I told him he had pushed me away and now I was considering leaving him. He got some help. But even now it puts me on edge. I hate him using my laptop because I wonder if he is checking my Facebook or emails. I don't think he is. But his behaviour has had a lasting effect on me too. If he started accusing me again, I think I would have a go too. I can't live like that again.
My husband can be very insecure and we have incidents like you describe every few months. I probably don't sound as sweetly reassuring as I used to as after 11 years I am very, very tired and getting quite upset that he still doesn't trust me.
Please think about how you are making your husband feel.
It sounds like you understand that you have trust issues and that you are trying to deal with it honestly. Yes, your partner is right to get the hump but all you need to do is apologise and talk it through. Keep being aware and practice being trustful. I think this is something that improves as you get older to be honest. I trust my DH and would never check his personal stuff. You can never be 100% sure that someone wont cheat on you but theres no need to spend your life worrying about it. It will ruin your relationship if you do. The conversation should have gone like this..."Why are you logging out of your account and into mine? " "Oh, thats what I thought you wanted me to do" "Oh, right OK". and move on. Try and practice not reacting when that little devil on your shoulder prods you.
Thank you all so much. This has been absolutely exactly what I need to hear.
I am counting my lucky stars here that DH came to bed last night and was totally fine / gave me a hug and said he was sorry for flying off the handle. (I had already apologised again). I think we are fine but that's only because this is the first time anything 'like this' has happened for a few years.
The last time it did I was pregnant and crazily hormonal and had a big blow out about him being out late etc etc and felt terrible about it all.
Since then I have tried so so hard to keep it in check and as I've said he has given me no reason to be worried BUT...
Reading all your replies has done me a massive massive favour. I think i have (for the first time perhaps) seen how flipping annoying / upsetting it would be from the other side. I have always thought being a bit jealous / insecure was normal (both my parents are obviously in their relationship) but it's actually not normal and bloody insulting isn't it? I can't believe I haven't thought this before. Also I think I am a very open person, I genuinley wouldn't care if DH read all my messages etc etc but perhaps if he started to I would feel differently. I can appreciate though that a lot of people value privacy a lot more. He is quite a private person.
I am making a silent vow to myself to be 100% trusting from now, to stop worrying (about nothing) and to try and not react 'when the little devil prods me' as humblesins says (thank you for that advice, it's exactly how it feels).
Someone else said it gets better with age, and for me it really really has so that is one positive I can also take. Hopefully this is a minor blip and I can use it positively to remind myself how lucky I am that DH has stuck with me through all my other wobbles in earlier years.
As for the counselling, I had some a few years back (for this) and it really helped, since then I have been much better but I will definitely seek some more out if needs be.
Flowepot - good luck to you, I will find your post and have a read now.
DH and i are both as suspicious, possessive, jealous and insecure as each other. We both know it's not healthy. However it means we both empathise with how the other feels. We have talked about it lots of times and have agreed if one ever felt weird about something then it will be totally ok to ask to see the phone (or whatever) without a tantrum or bad feelings from the one asked to explain themselves.
So far there's been no need. (10 years) Having both been in shit relationships which went on too long in the past (and that were ruined by infidelity) we have also agreed to respect each other enough to just be honest and say something as soon as we unhappy enough to be looking at pastures new.
It sounds obvious stuff, but often couples don't seem to have this convo. When the dust is all cleared could you have a chat about a similar understanding with your DH OP?
What i'm trying to say is: it takes the pressure off somehow if, as an insecure person, you know you can put your hand up anytime and say 'help me out - i'm feeling twitchy- i need to see your phone/laptop/FB account/whatever' without a load of fall out. Even if you never end up having to do it.
Thanks Laiste. You sound like you are in the same relationship as my parents! I grew up seeing both of their insecurities / jealousy as healthy and normal. They ALWAYS laugh about it. There are many comic moments where things have happened and they are very vocal about their concerns.
If I did this with DH he would think me completely insane.
I have sort of ha the conversation you suggest with my DH. The truth is I think at any time I could look at his phone or whatever and he wouldn't care but I would never do that. I feel like if I said 'I am feeling twitchy' he would take that very badly. He sees it as an insult to our relationship. I think I now get that. But you're right, if the other person understands to some degree these feelings it would make life easier (i think). My DH doesn't as is holds trust, privacy and commitment in the highest of regard. I respect him for that and will try and emulate his behaviour!!
All my fears come from past relationships. I have been cheated on and lied to by others and it has made me insecure. It's obvious stuff but the fact is my DH is a very different person (that's why I chose him...) and he is not my past partners.
My OH is so open it is ridiculous. I think I'm pretty normal in that if I needed to access his email or FB I would always ask first, wouldn't open his mail, would ask before answering his mobile if he was in a situation he couldn't get to it. He thinks all this is mad and I've had to learn not to ask as he hates me asking and thinks if I need to access something I should just do it. He does however ask me before opening my email etc as he understands I'm wired differently (I have nothing to hide and actually don't care now I'm used to his mind set .......neither of us would dream of doing it to anyone else tho). If I ever do need to hide anything like emails for birthday surprises I am more tech savvy than him so could without effort but as he wouldn't rummage I don't need to. The point of this waffle is we all have different privacy hotspots .
OP if therapy helped last time maybe a bit of a top up now before the insecurity takes root again might be a proactive way to take control before it takes control of you?
I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found this post. I have destroyed my OH and need to work on getting us back on track. These replies have been a massive eye opener.
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