To say something to my DS about his behaviour?

[duffbeergoggles]

He is in his early 30s. Has been with his DP for about 9 years, she is about 4 years younger and they had their DS just over a year ago, unplanned but a lovely surprise for everyone. The one thing I remember when he rang me to tell me I was going to be a DGM was that he wanted to be a different dad to his own, a 'hands-on' presence in his DS's life and that he wanted me to be involved too. I think it's fair to say that when he was younger he coasted along until I pretty much had to eject him from the former family home about 4 years ago, due to having to sell it in divorce proceedings from his step-dad. He was forced to start standing on his own two feet and with due credit he did get his shit together.

His DP's family is very close, they are really involved in DGS life, whereas I commute for work F/T and my involvement has been less than I want so far but they have just moved in with me temporarily while between accommodation with the plan to save the last few thousand (it is so hard where we live to buy a reasonably priced house) to scrape together a deposit. He works very hard, self employed and worries a lot about money.

Last night he went out with his mates and his DP and DGS were with me. DS was going to 'get the last bus home' which I knew would not happen, as did his DP.
He rolled in a 6am and is still in bed asleep. DP and the baby have just gone out to the beach, but before she went she told me he does this all the time and when she pulls him up for it he tells her she's miserable. She has told me she is fed up with this. It's the first time she has ever confided in me and that tells me she is serious and why shouldn't she be. His DF was similar, although he just used to work away a lot so I spent the first year of our DS's life living like a lone parent.

I want to tell him that it's my impression that she is not a woman who is going to put up with this forever, having sole responsibility for their son whilst he sleeps off the latest lads night out and misses such a crucial time in his son's life. She works F/T too. She has never stayed out all night and then expected him to do what she does (perhaps she should, I don't know).

I want to tell him I believe that if they split up because of his behaviour I think she will be fine, sad about DS, but fine - her family and friends are very close and supportive and it will be my DS who will suffer the most, which as his DM I obviously don't want for him but I don't want history to repeat itself.

What I don't want to do is interfere, but I can see where this could go, I've read the threads in relationships and elsewhere, the advice to LTB and so on. He isn't a bastard, but I do think he's failing to see how unreasonable he is acting and I think he is massively taking his DP for granted.

WIBU to tell him what I'm worrying about, and to not accept any excuses, to tell him to shower, get dressed and get the fuck to the beach where his DP and DS are?

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

I would. I suspect his dp told you as she hoped you would say something.
He will probably react defensively, but you may still get him thinking.

[RainIsAGoodThing]

Wish you were my MIL! She (and also my own DM) would say boys will be boys and this is just how it is.

I think you should say something, but I don't know what or how (unhelpful, I know).

[BertieBotts]

Yes, tell him. It might be the wake up call he needs.

[NotEnoughTime]

You are in a difficult position

Only you know your son and how he is likely to react.

I'm sure people will come on the thread to say he's an adult now, don't interfere etc etc but just because your DC are adults it doesn't mean you can't give advice surely? Disclaimer:my DC aren't adults yet so I'm not talking from experience.

However if it was me and one of my DS's yes I would say something to him as I wouldn't want to regret NOT saying something if things don't work out for him and his DP/DC in the future.

Best of luck as I'm sure it won't be easy.

[Hassled]

I agree that the DP confided in you because she must be at her wit's end and wants your help - don't be afraid of interfering, because sometimes you just have to interfere.

[BusyNothings]

My ex was a lot like this and I often wished my ex-mil would have said something to him but she excused it all.

I would definitely recommend saying something but maybe not today. Let him nurse his hangover and get him on a day where he can't claim he is unwell and run away from it. Make a point of sitting him down and explaining like you just have done to us. Stay calm and don't rise if he gets angry.

I can't imagine it being an easy conversation but I doubt your sons dp said anything lightly.

[kiki22]

Don't say she said anything to you but tell him he's being shit. I've only ever told my MIL if dp was being a dick when I felt he wasn't listening to me and wanted someone else to try. We are similar age to your ds and his dp our son is 4 now but the first year was hard going foe us, it was good to have someone to tell him off

[thrillhouse]

I definitely think you should say something. You sound like a lovely MIL (well, I know they're not married, but you know what I mean).

He might not realise just how serious this is. If you talk to him and he still doesn't change then he hasn't a leg to stand on really.

[Buggers]

Say something to him but don't tell him his dp mentioned anything. You sound like a wonderful mil.

[Hissy]

If I knew my ds was being a prick, too damned right id bollock him about it.

Absolutely have a strong word!

If this should go tits up and you've given your dil all this support, she won't forget this and you will be able to have a good relationship with her and your gc.if you and dil are both on the same page, your ds might just get his crap together

[EvansAndThePrince]

I wish when my DH was still immature that my mil would have told him to et his shit together. It's been a long slog for me by myself. She probably said it because she hopes you'll say something but as pp said, don't tattletale, just tell him straight he's being a shit, no woman would put up with it forever and to get his arse to the beach.

[Hissy]

All you need to do is say the same things as dil says and say that if it were you that there's no reason to put up with it these days...

[junebirthdaygirl]

As a mum l think you should say something. Tomorrow when he has a clearer head. Say what you said above as then he will have been warned. He may react badly and you may not get a very. Positive response but it will have been said which is all you can do. Sometimes when things come into the light like this they get worse as there is no going back into denial but hopefully he will face up to his responsibilities and things will improve after that initial blow up.

[RepentAtLeisure]

Yes, tell him! Give him the gift of a wake up call before his DP decides to drop 12 stone of useless weight from her life...

It's a shame that so many men need intervention to stop themselves fucking up their lives, but there it is.

[hollyisalovelyname]

Yes, talk to him when he is not hungover but as soon as possible. Do not say 'dil' spoke to you. He needs to get his act together.
Where did he go til 6 am?
I'd be livid if it was my dp.

[duffbeergoggles]

Thank you for your responses, I was a bit worried about posting in AIBU, not because I really think IABU so much as knowing my bloody DS is.

Thanks also for saying I sound like a good MIL - I appreciate that.

So, I will be telling him and I can see the wisdom in not doing it whilst he is in the throes of a hangover. I really don't want him walking away or telling me that I'm also being miserable for which he would definitely get his arsed kicked so he's more likely to listen if he's not also feeling rough.

I also agree that it's better to say this as his DM rather than speaking for his DP because, lets face it, he hasn't listened to her so far it seems. So even though she may have told me in the hope I will intervene I would be concerned anyway because it isn't just the two of them any more, is it? i guess that's why I wanted to check out the 'interfering' bit really. It's a thin line but one worth walking IMO.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Definitely tell him to sort his shit out! Tell him he's behaving exactly like his father did and that you know he wants to be better and send him off to the beach. Then phone your DIL and tell her what you said so that she doesn't worry you've betrayed her confidence sort of thing

[duffbeergoggles]

He was at his mates - absolutely no question of anything else untoward. All mates are each other's mates IYSWIM.

[Vertigo58]

A good few years ago now I told my boyfriend I was leaving, I'd never said this before and I meant it. I didn't think he could change and had gone past thinking we could work it out. I left to my parents, he told his parents I was leaving and they came to our home to support him but thankfully for both of us they also gave him a few hard truths. They had noticed how he wasn't always treating me how they'd like and they were a bit disappointed in him, he was a mess but I'm glad he heard it from someone other than me. he is now the man I'm proud to be with , a great father and husband X thank god for good parents

[youarenotkiddingme]

Yes id say something. I think it's great yiu are doing the right thing instead of defending your ds.

My exP was the same. His mother defended him constantly. I ended up leaving him and coming back to uk. She hasn't seen her grandson for 5 years now. It's complicated but she alienated herself by not doing the right thing or being supportive of me whilst her DS went out spending all family money and having ONS.

[mrsfuzzy]

he might well tell you to mind your own, and quite right too, it's their relationship and not your business but i can understand the reactions in the responses on here. when i was his age no way would i have put up with dm / df telling how to run my life in any shape or form.

[HappySeven]

Definitely speak to him but also mention the stuff you mentioned here about him getting his act together when he needed to (maybe a sort of 'I know you can do this because you've done it before and I was proud of you'?) it might make him listen a little better.

I also think your DIL is lucky to have you.

[duffbeergoggles]

My intention is not to tell him how to run his life as I quite agree that he's at an age now whereby he is making decisions based, I presume, on the capacity to weigh up the pro's and cons.

What I want to do is tell him my concerns and what I anticipate will happen should he continue. Plus - should this all go tits up and she does indeed decide to dump his arse, he will be devastated too late and he will be coming to me for a shoulder. My view as a DM, GM and MIL is that it's all fine to do these things all your life if that's what works for you - but with a child in the equation it very much is not.

[OzzieFem]

Remind him that he wanted to be different from his own father, then let him know exactly how like him, he is turning out to be!

[duffbeergoggles]

We have talked already. Calmly and he didn't walk off, he did some initial minimising but:

when I pointed out that not coming home at an agreed time and not even making contact to say you're ok/going to be late/staying at a mate's etc shows a huge lack of respect - he went quiet.

when I said I wouldn't have blamed her if she had handed the baby to him this morning and told him she was off out for the day - he stayed quiet.

when I reminded him of the conversation he'd had with me about the kind of dad he promised himself he would be - he said he was listening.

when I said that he might think I'm worrying over a minor issue but that I am trying to avoid him coming to me when it's too late and him asking me why I didn't say something sooner - he said he was going to ring her, find out where she is and meet her and their DS.

I hope he bought her and DGS a big fuck-off ice cream each.