To tell ex MIL not to come around any more?

[Janefromdowntheroad]

Ex DP and I recently split up. He decided he wasn't happy and left leaving me with 14 mth old DD.

He's been awful since he went, a real bastard, on tinder, dates, emails from our bookings account for hotels etc.

I got one message from his mother saying 'sorry to hear about you and DP, hope it doesn't affect him seeing DD'. That was it. I replied and said yes, I was sorry to hear it too! What a shock it was but thanks for the message.

Ex has been sending her to pick DD up for contact. She came for the first time the other day and didn't even ask me how I was, was I ok or anything. Just turned up said hi, told me that DD looked tired and then left.

AIBU to think actually if you don't even have the common decency to ask how someone is when your son has just walked out on them and a baby that she can bugger off coming back around here again. I just don't need these people in my life. Its so bloody rude.

[Janefromdowntheroad]

Actually I really really want to text her and tell her exactly what I think of her precious son. I can't do that can I?!

[RosieandJim89]

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Yes she could have out of courtesy have asked but she probably wants to stay out of things and doesn't want to engage in a conversation where she could make a wrong comment and cause more harm.

[KittyLaRoux]

YABU

Sorry you are going through all this but you cannot target the mil.
She was probably embaressed by her sons treatment of you and asking if your ok when you are obviously not makes things uncomfortable.

You may not want these people in your life but they are your DDs family and they will be in her life and yours for a long time.
I think it is better for you and DD if you keep your relationship with mil amicable. She is not accountable for her sons actions so stop directing your anger at her it isn't fair.
He is her son and she will be loyal to him even if she thinks he's a cunt.

[AThousandTears]

In the nicest possible way, I think your anger is misdirected.

Your ex is the knob head who is being unreasonable.

Look at it from MIL's point of view. Her son has destroyed his relationship and is being a dick. She is picking up DD, probably feeling relieved that she still gets to see her and that you two aren't going to get the chance to argue in front of DD.
She won't ask how you are for fear of getting dragged in to a conversation that puts her in a difficult position between you.

Be greatful she is on DD's side. This is raw for you still but in the long run you may still be on good terms with her for the sake of DD.

[scampimom]

She's not her son. You're angry at him not her, surely?

[Chikara]

What can she say? You have already said that you want to ell her what you think of her precious son so really what can she say???

She picks up DD, is polite not goady, and DD sees her father and grandmother. It's fine

[ScarletForYa]

God knows what he's told her OP.

[TheCraicDealer]

If it's a choice between your MIL (who sounds ok, albeit not acknowledging what her son's done) or your rest of an ex, who you prefer to pick your DD up? I know which I'd go for.

[JessicaRabbit3]

She is trying to keep relations as calm and straight forward as possible. My ex mil was vile told me it was my fault that I pushed him to cheat etc then later on asked if I would forgive it and could we be a family again. She was toxic. This lady sounds like she trying to stay neutral and focusing on the DD. I understand your hurt and pain I been there I had a 13 month old at the time but it she was kind before the split its good to maintain good relations mine was neither before and after. I still speak to my ex's DF and his wife who didn't take sides and were respectful.

[Janefromdowntheroad]

Sorry but if that was my son I would be fucking ashamed of him and would be straight round DIL's house checking if she was ok. Just ignoring it like the big elephant in the room? Its bloody rude.

And of course i'm angry at him and not her. I just can't believe she didn't even say 'how are you?'

[AdrenalineFudge]

In this scenario OP, I'd just let it fucking loose. He was a real bastard. You are angry! Rightly so in my opinion.

[AdrenalineFudge]

Actually if I were you, I'd be trying to make contact as difficult as I could. Not a popular opinion on MN but there you go.

What's the back story? What's led you to this point?

[KittyLaRoux]

OP you are clearly very angry and not willing to listen to reason.

For your own best interests and those of your DD do not start a war with the MIL.
She doesn't sound rude she just sounds like she doesn't know what to say or do for the best. That doesn't make her a horrible person so stop demonising her. It will do you no good.

[JessicaRabbit3]

Jane I've been there I gave up my nursing career I cared for him after extensive surgery until he returned back to work and left me and our son. But if this woman has been nothing but polite to you why give her vitriol? If she was blaming you fair enough but I agree you would make yourself come across as no better. I'm sure she will have words with him already. I would if it was my so but I would appreciate being verbally attacked over his actions by his ex.

[KittyLaRoux]

Actually if I were you, I'd be trying to make contact as difficult as I could. Not a popular opinion on MN but there you go

[Ebony69]

I agree that you're misdirecting your anger. I imagine that she knows that you're feeling devasted. Any enquiry from her would have just drawn her into a dialogue that understandably shines light onto her son's shitty behaviour. Also, not an ideal discussion to enter into when your child is around.
In any case, if MIL is not allowed to your home, other than unnecessarily fuelling further resentment between you and your ex, what would be the alternative arrangements for handovers?

[ShotsFired]

Sorry but if that was my son I would be fucking ashamed of him...

You don't know what's been said behind their closed doors though. For all you know she HAS put a rocket up him. But that's their business.

As pp have said, focus on the fact you don't need to do handovers with him directly, and your kids get to see their nanny too.

[Ebony69]

Adrenalin, so you would be prepared to do harm to your child just to hurt your ex? Wow...

[diddl]

" hope it doesn't affect him seeing DD'."

Tbh, that would piss me off.

Why should it?

Do you prefer that she collects your daughter or do you think that he should?

She is in a difficult position I guess, but I'd be pissed off at the not seeming to care & it all being about seeing her GD-especially if you seemed to have had a good relationship before.

[budgiegirl]

Sorry but if that was my son I would be fucking ashamed of him...

Me too, but OP, she may have been spun a pack of lies by your ex, and not realise how he has behaved.

At least she is polite and maintaining the relationship. As hard as it is, I think you need to place your anger elsewhere

[AdrenalineFudge]

ebony what harm is this you speak of?

Why should the OP go out of her way to facilitate contact? Unless the OP is due a massive drip feed then I can't see why she should go out of her way to help someone who has shat on her from a great height.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

unfortunately this is where you have to be the bigger person

as much as its hurtful, your DD will benefit from having a Dad and a Gran and a wider family

and you don't know what she knows/does not know. Advance handing you a gold medal for handling this m,aturely, its galling

[AntiqueSinger]

errr No you are not being unreasonable. I am suprised so many people are saying you are!!

If I were you I would stop all contact for a while. I cannot see how asking if you're alright, do you need anything is wrong. She sounds cold. I would be upset if we had been on warm terms before and now she doesn't even acknowledge her son has done anything wrong? Totally justified to feel pissed and hurt in my view and hugs OP.

[witsender]

She was rude initially IMO, with her first and only thought being how her dickhead son's access would be affected.