To want a thank you for cleaning?

[MalteserChick]

My DP always makes snide comments about the house, baring in mind I have a 6 month old and am hardly getting any sleep at the moment, I'm struggling. But I built up the will and determination to clean the whole house, top to bottom, also had to clean off mould off a wall and paint it with anti-mould paint, plus I got round to de-weeding the garden and sorting out all the herbs and flowers. Boy do I feel proud of myself, granted it's taken all week, a few hours here, a few hours there, but I've achieved the unachievable.
I guess now I'm just feeling very underappreciated, it's not easy juggling baby, pets, cooking, cleaning, friends and family, but my DP has come home, and I atleast expected a "wow, the house looks nice"...ANYTHING...no NOTHING. ungrateful c*. Plus he has the nerve to drape his muddy, filthy clothes round the house, wake a sleeping baby and moan what's for dinner

I MIGHT EXPLODE

calming thoughts

[PinkyofPie]

What's stopping him from cleaning exactly?

[Diddlydokey]

I would explode

[Tworingsandamicrowave]

for you from me because you deserve them. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job and I'm sorry he doesn't appreciate this.

[blueturtle6]

Explode and feed him.baby puree for dinner, you aren't making more than one dinner.

[blueturtle6]

Oh and well done for household achievement

[MalteserChick]

I took the dog for a lovely long walk to cool off

I've told him to make his own dinner, he gave me a look as if to say 'what's got up your a*' and just said fine, I'll order pizza

I've given up asking him to clean, everytime he does, he does the most half hearted job you could imagine and I end up having to do it anyway!

Thankyou all

[GeorgeAmberson]

Agree, it would be polite of him to acknowledge your contribution to your household and he definitely should do.

By the same token, do you acknowkedge/thank him for working/earning money?

[GeorgeAmberson]

Pressed Post too early.

I meant to add - could he be feeling underappreciated as well?

[44PumpLane]

George - I'm not sure why the OP would need to that her partner for working (am o missing something). She's on maternity leave so her "job" during the day is to look after their baby. The cleaning/weeding/painting she did was on top of the normal day to day from the sounds of it, and was done as a direct result of his morning/feedback- therefore I would expect some acknowledgement of a job well done, rather than coming home and slobbing up the place and wanting fed.

I never thank my DH for working, nor does he thank me. We will however comment on things above and beyond or of one of us is having a hard time of it and we support each other in our out of work time.

OP your husband sounds like someone who needs to be left with the baby for a full weekend to appreciate that you're not on holiday and it's bloody hard work!!

[44PumpLane]

*THANK her partner for working (sorry- iPhone)!

[K425]

"I've given up asking him to clean, everytime he does, he does the most half hearted job you could imagine and I end up having to do it anyway!"

You'd better off leaving the half-hearted job and when he complains, say "you should have cleaned properly the first time". If someone does a job badly, they won't learn how to do it well if someone else redoes it afterwards.

[mon73g1]

Make him do the fucking cleaning and be judgy as hell.

[PlanBwastaken]

You might want to have a read of the thread about men's incompetence, and the lack of justification thereof. What will happen when you go back to work, dies he think the cleaning fairy will come?

[PlanBwastaken]

Sorry, to answer your question: I wouldn't want a thank you. I'd want him to do half.

[LotsOfShoes]

I also agree that doing the cleaning yourself as opposed to leaving him to do a half -hearted job is a bad move. It sets you up for years of doing the cleaning while he happily sits back making your life extra-difficult. Also, remember that doing a bad job is actually a way for some people to get out of doing stuff they don't want. If cleaning is so important to him then he needs to do his fair share.

[NikiSaintPhalle]

But why does he see the house and its cleanliness as your issue in the first place? Does he think that only people with vaginas are able to mop and dust while people with penises go out and spear mammoths and run the world or something?

[MalteserChick]

George - Maybe he does feel underappreciated, I don't know, although the other day I sent him this text "I'm so super proud of my sweetie 😙 well done for being the bestest engineer xxxxx love you lots xxxxx" because he got a promotion.

PlanBwastaken - I'm not going back to work, we both agreed when I was pregnant that I would be a SAHM/housewife/homemaker, however you want to describe it, so he sees housework as my job, although he did pre-baby too.

He was always a slob before we met and I can't stand to live in mess a little OCD so I cleaned his flat (the one he lived in when we met) and it's kinda stuck since then, that I do the cleaning.

How do I live with the mess while he does half-hearted cleaning? Especially if he's doing it on purpose, surely he'll just get worse til I give in

[NikiSaintPhalle]

I'm not going back to work, we both agreed when I was pregnant that I would be a SAHM/housewife/homemaker, however you want to describe it, so he sees housework as my job, although he did pre-baby too.

So it's not that now you're a SAHP, you should be doing the housework, he always thought it was your responsibility even when you had a full-time job?

Tbh, I'd be rethinking not going back to work. What's in this relationship for you? You're gushing on about the wonderfulness of his promotion in worshipful baby language while doing all the childcare (including all night feeds, or you wouldn't be so tired?), cooking, cleaning and gardening, for someone who sounds rude, sexist and unappreciative. What are your financial arrangements?

[GeorgeAmberson]

George - Maybe he does feel underappreciated, I don't know, although the other day I sent him this text "I'm so super proud of my sweetie 😙 well done for being the bestest engineer xxxxx love you lots xxxxx" because he got a promotion

Oh well in that case, YANBU. The problem seems to be that he doesn't seem to mind living in a mess, whereas you do. You're not his mum and he's not a child - there has to be compromise somewhere. I'd feel disgruntled too if I had tidied up only for someone to come home and mess it up. It smacks of disrespect.

If he won't compromise and keep things tidy, could you get, say, a big box, then every time he leaves stuff out, transfer it to the box? That way, you're not being a mug and tidying up/putting stuff away nicely after him, but you get to have your tidy home. He'll likely get irritated with all his stuff being dumped unceremoniously into a box, but then it's rather tough luck really, if he won't compromise for your needs.

I'd probably even go as far as putting dirty pots and dirty clothes in the box as well, if those ate the sorts of things he leaves out and doesn't deal with - if you really want to hammer the point home.

[MadameCholetsDirtySecret]

I had a husband like that.

Reader, I divorced him

[arethereanyleftatall]

Yabu to expect a thank you, yanbu to expect sonething like 'wow, looks lovely in here.'
Unless as a poster above mentioned, you thank him for going to work.
I'm in the camp of thinking a sahp role, regardless of gender, includes both childcare and housework.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

You used to clean his batchelor pad for him? You have always known he is messy and doesn't care about it and has always seen it as your job and you accepted this and started a family with him. You have made your bed really. I would think about going back to work and getting a cleaner if possible. These things fester and lead to real resentment.

[pinkyredrose]

You made a rod for your own back cleaning his flat. Now he expects that all the time. This is your life forever . Well for as long as you stay with him. He sees you as a household appliance with a vagina attachment.

[pinkyredrose]

Also do you always text him in such an immature saccharine fashion? It seems as though he sees himself as the boss of the house/relationship. How exactly does he make your life better?