To go NC with elderly GF over this?

(46 Posts)
YoungGirlGrowingOld Fri 01-Jul-16 10:13:32

My paternal GF is almost 90. He is in fairly good health, but bad tempered and opinionated. This behaviour is not age-related - he has always been like this. My father is dead but was also NC with him for years beforehand.

I am 40 and quite senior in my profession. I have no kids, but I am 4.5 months pregnant with my first. I got married at age 38 for the first time.

I see GP's a couple of times a year, but they live 5 hours drive from our house. DH is a doctor and we both work a lot of hours, and have quite a few relatives to fit in. GD has always been grumpy about this and has no understanding about the demands of my job. After our last visit, DH refused to go back because GD and his wife are so racist that he feels unwelcome. (He is Muslim/non-white and apparently remarks about "bloody foreign Muslim doctors not speaking English" were made). It's even more difficult now because I don't want to spend weekends/holidays without DH and I am embarrassed and ashamed that they made him feel this way.

When I told GD my pregnancy news, his reaction was "you're not! You must be bloody mad! Your kids should be 18 by now!" He has also shared his negative opinion with other relatives who have told me he has "no idea where I got this bloody ridiculous idea about becoming a mother at 41", that it's selfish and not fair on the baby, etc.

WIBU to cut off contact over this? I considered it before over the racist remarks, but DM (who adores DH) said GD had always been an unreconstructed knob-head, not to dignify it, that he wouldn't change now and we should just ignore him and in her experience eventually he will STFU (love my DM grin)

I do feel incredibly guilty about cutting off a lonely man who will likely be dead soon, but otoh I am very, very upset and hurt by his comments. There have been tears and worries that, really, this is what everyone thinks. Is this normal behaviour from a Daily Mail-reading nonogenarian or WIBU to tell him that I no longer wish to have any contact with him? If the latter, do I tell him why?

If you've got this far - thank you! flowers

DangerousBeanz Fri 01-Jul-16 10:23:46

My concern would be that if he can say horrible racist things to your DH what will he say to your child?
He's far enough away to ignore. I'd be tempted to do just that.

MargotLovedTom Fri 01-Jul-16 10:26:02

If you only see him two times a year then it's probably not worth the drama of a big "no contact" statement. I'm sure others will disagree but I'm with your pragmatic mother. He's not likely to change at the age of 90, so on the rare occasions you see him I'd just rebuke his comments without getting riled and leave it at that.

If you really don't want to see him though, then don't. I'd save your breath on the explanation though.. he's not likely to have an epiphany and you'll stress yourself out about what to say. I'm not surprised your husband has said he's not going back.

AdrenalineFudge Fri 01-Jul-16 10:26:44

I wouldn't go NC over those comments. It seems on MN people can go no contact with relatives because they once sneezed on them.

MargotLovedTom Fri 01-Jul-16 10:27:15

And no, his comments aren't in line with what everyone thinks smile.

MrsJayy Fri 01-Jul-16 10:27:26

He sounds a horrible man yes you are far enough away to not see him anymore

NavyAndWhite Fri 01-Jul-16 10:29:54

Well personally I'd be pulling him on the racist remarks for a start.

areyoubeingserviced Fri 01-Jul-16 10:32:05

If you only have to see him twice a year I wouldn't go NC. However, don't expect your dh to have to come with you
He's ninety so he probably won't be around for much longer tbh.

LovebitofMN Fri 01-Jul-16 10:33:01

Have you talked to him about this?

hettie Fri 01-Jul-16 10:33:11

Don't make a NC "statement" just stop seeing him. Honestly life is too short, bugger it. I have no truck with the idea that you should spend time with people whom you are related to just because you are related to them.

Wearegoingtobedlehem Fri 01-Jul-16 10:33:23

In my experience going NC brings a lot of guilt ( my experience). Given how far away he is- I would probably aim for absolute limited visits- and I would probably respond to his unacceptable to comments with a frank but limited response.

That's just my approach mind you.

I'm in the process of going NC with my fairly local parents for very valid reasons- and my god it hurts and brings guilt - even through the guilt should not be mine sad

RebelandaStunner Fri 01-Jul-16 10:34:21

Yanbu. I have an elderly relative very similar so I sympathise. She has always been this way so age is irrelevant.
She falls out with everyone including her grown up DC and GC. But she is hateful with everyone so I don't take it personally and bear it for the few times a year that I see her.

Alconleigh Fri 01-Jul-16 10:35:04

Agree it doesn't need a big statement. Just don't see him if you don't want to. Whether I did or not would depend on whether he had any redeeming qualities, or whether you have happy memories of him from your childhood. If not, I'd just stop finding the time.

Filosofikal Fri 01-Jul-16 10:35:49

I wouldn't quite go no contact but I'd keep contact to a minimum and I wouldn't ever get your DH to meet with them again.

You could visit and stay locally with your DH and just pop over for afternoon tea on your own. If you wanted. As soon as your GF is obnoxious I would leave and tell him why.

Iflyaway Fri 01-Jul-16 10:37:49

And breathe.....

He sounds vile, but I think you have to basically roll your eyes and remember he's still stuck in the 1950's.
Try and let it wash over you (easier said than done, I know). Or pull him up on it every time he makes a nasty remark. "Well granddad, things have moved on from those days" etc.

The one good thing about having a biracial child, as I have, you soon know who is "in or out". Luckily all my family is in.

Your mum sounds great. Thank god you have her on your side.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

BertrandRussell Fri 01-Jul-16 10:40:56

No- his comments do not reflect what everyone thinks. Some people do think that way, however, and, contrary to popular belief being old does not make you a racist- or excuse racism.
He is an unreconstructed knob head (I am stealing that, by the way) and you should treat him as you would any other unreconstructed knob head.

YoungGirlGrowingOld Fri 01-Jul-16 10:41:58

No love I have never talked to him about it. It's all quite recent. Not making excuses but I suspect they didn't mean to offend DH, they just regurgitate the crap they read in the tabloids without thinking of the person standing in front of them. I didn't want to pull them up on it because of GD's age really. I thought it was best to just ignore him. Now this has happened it's made me wonder if I was wrong to let it go.

Possibly pregnancy has made me a bit over-sensitive but his recent comments really stung. He has never said one positive thing about my career or academic achievements - it seems he thinks I was just wasting valuable breeding time! And tbh I wouldn't have planned motherhood at this age, but I was single for absolutely ages before I met DH and just consider myself bloody lucky to be upduffed!

I think PP's are right and I should continue to ignore. This will no doubt lead to more bitching to relatives about how I never go and see them, and in future that I have never taken the baby, etc....

Thanks for the replies flowers

amidawish Fri 01-Jul-16 10:43:27

oh just laugh at the stupid old man

no need for a big "no contact" statement

just don't bother going to visit. why would you?

Arfarfanarf Fri 01-Jul-16 10:44:05

I wouldn't choose to have in my life someone who demonstrated a racist attitude that clearly included my husband and children.

Ooogetyooo Fri 01-Jul-16 10:48:42

No this isn't typical of nonagenarians - my GM is 94 and she would nt dream of being so rude. Your GD is an out and out racist. End of .

YoungGirlGrowingOld Fri 01-Jul-16 10:50:16

Yes good point arf - I would hate for DS to experience any of his hateful remarks about his selfish aged mother etc. He's going to LOVE the dirty forrin name we have chosen.... wink

Landoni112 Fri 01-Jul-16 10:54:39

Your Gd is horrid, but if it would hurt you more to go NC I wouldn't, just try to keep the visits short and sweet.

LovebitofMN Fri 01-Jul-16 10:58:30

Talk to him!

JudyCoolibar Fri 01-Jul-16 11:00:18

I'd have gone NC over the racism towards your husband.

Letmehaveausername Fri 01-Jul-16 11:00:58

No, you wouldn't be unreasonable.

Also, fuck what anyone thinks about you being a mum at 41. My mum was a mum "again" in her 40's and I think she's a lot more relaxed and happy parent now than she was when we (her adult children) were growing up. She doesn't have to deal with the stresses she used to.

Also, I have two separate doctors (medical reasons). One is a female, born and raised in Scotland and acts like she doesn't give a damn any time I have to see her. The other is a male with a foreign accent and darker skin (I don't know if he's Muslim or what country he was born in, always felt it was rude to ask) and he's the loveliest, friendliest and most supportive doctor I've ever had. Literally knows everything I could possibly wonder about my condition and puts me right at ease if I have to have a procedure done. I can't stand people who criticise doctors who come from another country, especially when I've met so many British born doctors who don't give a fuck.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you both great happiness flowers

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