To wonder how I can stop negatively comparing myself to other blokes?

(29 Posts)
Revengeoftheseabass Wed 29-Jun-16 13:26:27

I realise it's a sign of low self-esteem, but I constantly feel inferior to other men - the self-confident hipsters, the 'cheeky' laddish charmers, even other overweight nerdy guys.

Jealousy is such a destructive emotion, I know, but I'd just love to feel positive about myself, and actually believe that there are women out there who might somehow find me attractive (and yes, I know, self-pity is never sexy...)

Somerville Wed 29-Jun-16 13:32:04

Sometimes counselling can help.

Other times, taking the focus off yourself and making a concerted effort to do good things - for other people, the environment, animals, or whatever.

ZansForCans Wed 29-Jun-16 13:35:48

Agree with somerville's suggestions. Also what do you like? Being passionate about what interests you is more attractive than worrying about what people think of you.

FWW I love a nerd and all the hipsters are doing my head in. As for laddish charmers - no thanks! I think men's idea of what women like can be quite narrow - we're all different in our tastes, just like men are. But yes, I'd prefer a nerd who is happy with who is, and doesn't compare himself to other men.

Dachshund Wed 29-Jun-16 13:46:45

The best thing I ever did to feel positive about myself was to realise I have one life and one body and that I was allowed to invest in it and care for it.

I refuse to feel bad about spending money on clothes that fit properly, on haircuts (or in your case decent trimmer for home?), on sports gear. I signed up for a 5km race with a friend and did the couch to 5km programme. I found that I could run even though I still felt like a weedy asthmatic little girl inside. When I came home from a run I naturally wanted healthier foods, but I try really really hard not to beat myself up if I eat something unhealthy.

I speak as someone who's self esteem was on the floor and who had binge eating disorder for years - fake it til you make it. Pretend you love yourself and soon you will start to.

Jealousy and envy have never left me but I can control those feelings now that I feel good about myself.

Best of luck OP, and I agree with PP, women have a huge range of types and most don't even have a 'type' as such. If you project confidence that'll take you a long way.

Revengeoftheseabass Thu 30-Jun-16 00:45:11

Thanks all. I'm very guilty of comparing myself to my peers from years ago, and what I haven't achieved in comparison to them (FB doesn't help in this respect, although I'm fully aware that what we see on there are merely 'edited highlights'...!).

I also worry about rather irrational things, like the apparent trend for women of my age to want to date men in their 20s. I realise that a) they have a perfect right to do this and b) it's not true for the majority of women, but it some just adds to my overall load of insecurities...

Somerville Thu 30-Jun-16 13:28:40

Well I don't know your age, but if it's 30's then I have to say, I've never noticed that trend. I'm late 30's and initially felt slightly awkward that my boyfriend is 4 years younger than me, TBH. A few of my single friends have FWBs who are in their late 20s but nothing serious.

Women, like men, want relationships with people who treat them as an individual, who are caring, who look after themselves without being vain, who can be their friend and make them laugh, who anticipate their needs and show generosity and respect in and out of bed and, most importantly of all, who are kind.

Revengeoftheseabass Thu 30-Jun-16 19:53:10

I'm 40 in a month, Somerville. To be honest, a lot of it stems from my experience at sixth form, where I suffered some very public humiliations around crushes and asking people out. It got to the point where girls actually appeared to be deeply ashamed of me fancying them, to the point where I felt guilty about finding people attractive. Even today, I feel a slight sense of "how dare you fancy x, you fat, sweaty, awkward loser!".

It's a voice in my head I struggle to ignore.

Sighing Thu 30-Jun-16 19:56:30

Fwiw my partners have been geeks and nerds of all shapes and sizes. My husband struggled with self esteem when he was younger. When he got happy in who/ where he was he did find dating easier. Maybe focus on what you need to feel good in yourself?

Somerville Thu 30-Jun-16 20:52:15

Find a good counsellor, OP. Sixth form was more than half your life ago. Don't let it hold you back now.

FernCurl Thu 30-Jun-16 21:57:48

Here's an idea. You could try getting fit and moving out of your parents' house?

HatieKokpins Fri 01-Jul-16 13:56:42

Lose weight. Move out. Stop giving a stuff.

OneMillionScovilles Fri 01-Jul-16 14:14:34

Wow, Fern. What did OP do to you? Retract your claws.

WetPaint4 Fri 01-Jul-16 14:17:28

Make the decision to see how good things can get for you, OP. Don't try to be someone else, be the most amazing version of you. That's your target, compare yourself to the slimmer, happier, more confident you. Make a list of the things you'd like to change and go for it, one step at a time.

Don't worry about other guys, everybody has a charm that's all their own. For every type of man you are jealous of, there are women who would dismiss them. I am deeply in love with a man who isn't a 'lad', isn't a typical charmer, not at all hip but he has his own special something I like and still can't describe. There is something for everyone. But it starts with you. If you accept yourself and own your own style (even if you haven't got any), your confidence will draw more people in. And until you get there, you may have to fake it. I am deeply insecure but no one knows because I just fake like a confident woman.

Seeing someone professional for some help is a good idea. But also, get out more and consider joining hobby based clubs, ones that focus on the things you like so you can feel comfortable. Do things that make you feel good, and good luck smile

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Fri 01-Jul-16 14:19:54

On the FB issue. Are you axtually fetting anything positive out of FB?.does it add to your life?

If not, ditch it at least until you feel.a bit more confident.

scampimom Fri 01-Jul-16 14:32:25

Sense of humour is the sexiest thing in a man IMO.

Arfarfanarf Fri 01-Jul-16 14:34:18

I think that if you are still so much affected at 40 by things that happened at school then you really do need some counselling to help you. you cannot have a life if you are paralysed by the past.

There will always be cruel people in the world but you cannot allow them to control your life.

I am sure you are a nice person but you need to work on those things that are holding you back.

I didn't know where the comments about moving out came from so I AS'd you OP and saw your Feb thread. thanks

I am so so sorry that you are so lonely. Love and companionship are basic human needs.

But you do still, at 40, live with your parents.

I must be honest, that would put me off. It would put off a lot of women. not all, I'm not saying all, but it makes people view you a certain way and will greatly reduce the number of women who are happy to give you a chance. I guess, thinking about it, that's unfair but I don't think anything is to be gained by lying to you and saying oh it doesn't matter, stay as you are and you'll find love... you need to make changes in order to go after what you want.

You have to decide what you want most.

A cushy home life with your parents looking after you and where you don't have to spend as much money

or

independence, a home of your own and a chance of love

Rightly or wrongly, when a man gets to your age and he's still with his mam, it doesn't feel right. Many women wonder if he's just not capable of being a grown up. They worry that they might have a tug of war with mummy or be saddled with a man who wants to be mothered or who will compare you to her.

I am not trying to hurt you, I really do feel for you, but you won't do the one thing that may actually change your situation.

You need a home of your own. you need to be a fully functional, independent man who shows women the home he owns/rents that he has furnished and which he keeps clean. Who shows he's a grown up and they will be in a relationship of equals, not having a man who moves in from his mum and dad's house and expects you to fill the gap.

Bringing a date home to your mam and dad's house at your age is not going to get you very far either. Sneaking around while your date's parents are in bed is fun when you're 18, when you're 40 it's a little bit embarrassing. grin

You need to be willing to step into the independent world. If you aren't then you can't want a partner as much as you want to stay at home and maybe you have to find a way to be ok with that.

Laiste Fri 01-Jul-16 15:28:13

I agree with all that arf.

How do you all know OP is still living at home? What have i missed?

Arfarfanarf Fri 01-Jul-16 15:32:01

I was shocked by the nastiness of fern's post so i searched the ops previous posts because i thought there must be history.

FernCurl Fri 01-Jul-16 22:29:31

It wasn't meant as nastiness, more as flippancy. The OP has started a million of these threads over time, not just on this talkboard, but on others too. The themes are always the same. How can I find love? Why do all these laddish Loaded readers get all the girls? But I'm a feminist! Now where's my girlfrend, etc.

Many people over many years have with much kindness, taken lots of time and effort to try and make helpful suggestions. And yet, 10 years on, here we are, still making the same suggestions to the SAME BLOOMING QUESTIONS.

Seabass darling, please do something. anything, to make a positive change in your life. Therapy seems like the first step. Plus some serious activity outside of your comfort zone. No meaningful progress in life is made any other way.

Gabilan Fri 01-Jul-16 23:15:26

He does post on other forums then? Sounds very similar to stuff I was reading years ago and it was old hat then.

Arfarfanarf Fri 01-Jul-16 23:22:03

10 years? Wow.
Well then i can certainly understand your frustration.

flappingbingowings Fri 01-Jul-16 23:24:05

Is the OP male or female?

Arfarfanarf Fri 01-Jul-16 23:26:37

I assume male because the title asks how they can stop comparing themselves to other blokes

Hockeydude Fri 01-Jul-16 23:33:17

Delete Facebook completely.

Find something you enjoy like running, swimming, gym, a sport or if none of the above walking will do. Get yourself fit and it will help you physically and mentally.

Lastly you are a human being, we are all the same. Everyone sweats for example. You are no worse than any other human being. Try and remember this.

And just for good measure get rid of fucking Facebook.

Gabilan Sat 02-Jul-16 08:27:29

If the OP is who I think he is, this has been going on since he was 32 and asked if it was possible to find love later in life. As Fern says, many people over the course of years have given him very good advice.

Anyway, Seabass, whoever you are, I would try therapy. You're stuck in negative thought patterns. Whether you find love or not you'll be happier if those are tackled. They sound ingrained and I'd get help, same way as I'd go to a physio if I had persistent lower back pain.

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