AIBU to change my locks?

[oaadc]

Husband and I split 3 months ago. He is staying with a family member. He has a key to our house because he sees DS every evening here and has him here for one day and one night every weekend.

He has massive anxiety problems. He doesn't trust me to look after DS. DS has autism and I am his carer. I've done all of the day to day parenting plus all of the meetings, paperwork and therapies that come with additional needs.

This morning for example he has messaged me three times before 5:45am to make sure DS is ok and has woken us both up. He's tried to call social services at 4am before because I was asleep and not texting back.

He has then let himself into the house at 6:20am. When I told him he couldn't just let himself in out of the blue like that, he kicked off, shouting and swearing that I have started using DS as a weapon against him and am dictating when he can see his own son. For the record, I have never stopped him from seeing him.

I just don't know how to handle his anxiety. Would changing my locks make things worse?

[oaadc]

Or even, AIBU for being annoyed at the 6:20am let in?

[Nanunanu]

Yanbu for being upset at 6.20 wake up or the 4am social services call.

Only you know if changing locks would inflame the situation. I suspect it would. But it is also exactly what I would do.

[FauxFox]

It sounds like your ex DH needs to visit his GP and get some help with this behaviour - unfortunately changing the locks may just result in him having a meltdown outside your house at some unreasonable hour. Can you talk to the family member he is staying with and get them to encourage him to seek help?

[oaadc]

I genuinely don't know why he doesn't trust me with him.
Not only is he clean, fed (special diet that requires a lot of monitoring), happy and healthy, he's also progressing brilliantly in terms of his Autism.

[oaadc]

Unfortunately I can't speak to the family member - he's just as unstable. He's well aware of his anxiety problems but refuses to get help.

[RaeSkywalker]

I would do it. Is his behaviour scaring you? Because it would really frighten me. The other option is asking him to tone down the way he's behaving, and if/ when he demonstrates that he can't, changing the locks then.

This must be very unsettling for your DS as well

[CrazyDuchess]

Do you have a formal contact arrangement in place?? Are you likely to get back together?? If the relationship is over and a divorce is coming I would suggest getting legal advice about changing the locks especially if he is part owner or named on tenancy.

It's time to get some boundaries in place - why he is so anxious is for him to deal with, not for you to prove yourself to him.

[oaadc]

The house is rented and is fully in my name now. He made sure I changed it all into my name when I asked him to leave.

It is scary. It's why I asked him to leave.

[BoopTheSnoot]

It depends if he is a co-owner or tenant of the house. My parents are currently in the midst of a rather nasty divorce. DM was advised by her solicitor that by all means, she could change the locks on their property, but legally he would be within his rights to have a locksmith come and drill the new locks out and replace them again so that he could gain access as it is still his property too.
But I can see why you want to get them changed, his behaviour is very unreasonable and is probably not doing your son any good.

[BoopTheSnoot]

Ahh cross posts! In that case, YANBU and should change them to set some boundaries. But be prepared for a fall out as he probably won't be best pleased!

[brassywind]

Well if the house is only in your name you dont have to let him in or give him a key. Change the locks, but i think you need to be prepared for him to be banging on your door at off hours. Do you feel unsafe around him? How old is DS?

[CrazyDuchess]

In that case change the locks.

His levels of anxiety are OTT and I think I would still seek legal advise to try and formalise the relationship - he cannot be contacting you at all hours like that!

[froubylou]

Make some shit up about it being against your tenancy agreement for him to have a key as he is no longer on the tenancy.

Then set contact times and tell him if he isn't happy to suggest alternatives and if you can't work together to arrange them then consider mediation.

There is no way.I would facilitate every evening. How are you supposed to move on with your life if you have to see your ex every night? How is your ds supposed to adjust?

YOur need to put your foot firmly down. And get legal advice if it doesn't go well.

[oaadc]

DS is nearly 5 and goes to school in September.

I really really really don't want it to come to a banging on the door in the middle of the night thing which I know it will do if I change the locks.

Or the 'in the middle of the night' texting will get worse.

I'm really trying to keep things on good terms as much as I possibly can by letting him stay here at the weekend to make it easier for everybody concerned.

[DoreenLethal]

You can tell him you lost the keys and the landlord changed the locks. However he could just take the keys and get another cut if he is there one night a week.

However I would tell him that your phone would be on silent at night, and that he is not to keep harassing you outside of contact time especially when you have been getting up at the same time for x years and your son is perfectly healthy and well cared for. And that before I left him with my son again, he needs to get treatment for the excessive anxiety which is culminating in this harassment.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Well if the house is only in your name you dont have to let him in or give him a key

If rented you'll need to speak to the landlord first.

[LineyReborn]

Focus on the unacceptable behaviour, not his excuses.

I'd give him one written warning to stop embarrassing you and turning up invited. Use text or email - or a solicitor's letter - something where you have a record.

Then yes, change the locks. If he kicks off on the doorstep, call the police.

I've had to do it and the police domestic abuse unit were really helpful.

When it went to a contact order, his own barrister agreed to write into it that he musn't come near my home.

[LineyReborn]

Oh and stop letting him stay if he's scary.

[Shizzlestix]

Don't let him stay with you. House is in your name, either take key off him or ask LL if you can change the locks.

[LineyReborn]

Sorry that autocorrected from harrassing to embarrassing and I didn't notice in time.

[oaadc]

Ha Liney - he can be embarrassing!

All of this has been done with good intentions from myself. I haven't wanted to stop him and DS from seeing each other everyday. They adore one another.

I will check with my landlord if it's a decision I come to.

[SaturdaySurprise]

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-can-you-change-the-locks/

If the house is only in your name, then you can change the locks.

[WellDoYaPunks]

Send him an email setting out some new boundaries (that way it has a chance to sink in).
He needs to return the key
He mustn't contact you between 10pm - 7am
He must do his parenting at his house / out of your house
He mustnt come to the house unarranged
Etc etc

Tell him he needs to get help for his anxiety and that you won't stand in the way of reasonable time spent with his son

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Change the locks.

Keep a record of all of this.

Ring his GP, explain the situation & see if they'll send him a request to go in for a general check up. Ask what other help is available locally. Ask what mental health services can be recommended. Do all you can to get him help, BUT if you can't, then call the police & get them involved. You can't live like this.

Change the locks. Tell him it HAS to stop. That he needs to get help before you go to a lawyer to get a 'no contact' order for you and your DS.

[LineyReborn]

I started out too with good intentions, OP. But don't forget, it's not you cocking it up and being unreasonable and scary, it's him.

And it's not allowed.

My ExH's Crappy behaviour started to escalate and I absolutely had to do something about it. It was really impacting on my life, and upsetting the DCs.

Yes non-resident parents deserve a relationship with their children but it doesn't give them a free pass to behave badly and scare people. The police took a very dim view of my Ex refusing to move from the doorstep because they said he was effectively trapping us in our home. They gave him a warning. He was nervous about losing his job (not of upsetting his own children!) and he started behaving. So he did know how to behave all along.