To pull up my brother over rude comments

(36 Posts)
gubbygubby Sun 26-Jun-16 08:26:58

My older DB over the years makes flippant hurtful comments that I have never challenged as we are not a confrontational family .
The last year or soI have had enough and have now for the third time text him to tell me I was upset. Not a rant, just an explanation.

At Xmas when they visited my DD went through he clothes and gave a load to DN who is 1 year younger.

When he saw them he said
" I hope those clothes are suitable for my daughter and there is nothing tarty in there "
DD was upset and I thought it was bloody cheeky but said nothing.

My mum did mention to him that he had upset DD . DD ls into fashion and make up and likes to dress up and his DD who is lovely is the opposite, so I can imagine why he would think this.

He rang me this week and we chatted about the kids. When he asked about the youngest DS he said
Have you had a diagnosis yet for DS ? " pain in the backside , or something else "

Now DS is being assessed for ASD and can be very hard work . He's not naughty at all but he talks non stop, is very loud ect so it did hit a nerve.
Again I said nothing as I was taken aback but I text him the next day to say nicely that I felt upset by his comment and we are very worried about DS and it just isn't very nice.

He responded with telling me that he had rung me , asked about the family and that yet again I had lectured him on what he had said wrong and to give him a break

I replied that he has insulted 2 of my DC and most people would respond negatively to that.
He replied that I always think the worst of him and that he loves my family and he didn't think those things .

So why bloody say them then. He is not a jokey type of person do one would assume that his comments suggested what he was thinking .
There are many other occasions but ive finally decided to challenge his rudeness and he doesn't like it.
He made an in appropriate comment about my daughter and get big friend to his wife that hinted about DD sex life.
Nothing awful if it were an adult, but I felt that there was an assumption on his part they were having sex. She is 16 and is not.

It's like he thinks his children are pure and wholesome while mine are a bit tarty and probably having sex .
I'm not explaining very well here, it's all so thinly veiled and subtle .

After a visit from him and his family I end up feeling really cross and it is not like me at all

He really can't see why I'm upset can he ?
What do I say next ?

I think I am touchy when it comes to him as he is quite arrogant
He is a very very clever academic and is just very superior.Its not just me but my other 2 brothers find him annoying too.
I've heard him call his wife's sister thick before.
I hate clever people deriding others for being thick .

He always knows best and is dismissive of other opinions.

His wife is lovely though as are their DC.
My mum can usually see no wrong in him ,
She says that he doesn't mean to be rude .
I really want to try and explain why his comments hurt but he doesn't get it does he

Gizlotsmum Sun 26-Jun-16 08:34:31

Honestly I would call him on it at the time of the comment, so the 'nothing tarty' comment I would ask if he thought it was acceptable to call his niece a tart? With the pain in the backside I would have replied with the worried comment but at the time, texting later makes him feel targeted if you put him in the spot at the time it might be enough to make him realise the impact of his comments, if he doesn't then reduce contact and explain why

DeathStare Sun 26-Jun-16 08:40:17

I'd just say "that's incredibly rude" everytime he says anything like this.

VodkaValiumLattePlease Sun 26-Jun-16 08:40:29

'Call my daughter a tart again and I'll never speak to you again' should do it. I had an uncle that would comment nastily on what I looked like and what I did, he's a lonely old man now, shame.

Alibobbob Sun 26-Jun-16 08:46:27

I agree you have to say something at the time. If your to shocked and taken aback or don't know what to say ask him "what do you mean?" and take it from there.

Are you a single parent or can your husband/partner back you up?

What does his wife do/say when he says these things does she appear to be uncomfortable too?

Your brother is out of order.

gubbygubby Sun 26-Jun-16 08:52:03

I have a husband. DH thinks he is a Pratt.
He didn't hear the comments as was in another room . DH says there is no point in having a conversation with him as he's always right !

gubbygubby Sun 26-Jun-16 08:52:41

His wife says nothing.

RandomMess Sun 26-Jun-16 08:58:28

I think you need to call him at the time he does it

"Did you mean to be so rude"
"Did you mean to be so offensive"
"That was very hurtful"
"Instead of commenting on my DDs sex life shall we discuss DNs?"

"If that is meant to be humorous you are way off mark"

Hopefully saying it at the time may embarrass him enough to keep his tongue in check and engage his brain.

gubbygubby Sun 26-Jun-16 09:01:17

I think I will try that next time .It makes me feel like not seeing them

RandomMess Sun 26-Jun-16 09:02:07

Regarding your DS in particular well the utmost comeback for me would have to be "Well we know which uncle DS takes after don't we, after all ASD has a hereditary factor..."

Which the fact your DB is so oblivious to how out of order his comment are could actually be the truth...

defineme Sun 26-Jun-16 09:08:37

'Did you mean to be so rude ?'gives you time to gather your thoughts. Texting later is ineffective. Avoiding confrontation at the time isn't working for you. The pain in the bum comment would have got a 'that's very harsh, if his own family think of him that way what chance has he got? ' you have to be brave. You don't have to shout or anything, use no blame language if you prefer like 'when you say that it makes me feel. ..'

gubbygubby Sun 26-Jun-16 09:12:20

Random
I'm adopted so not hereditary !! I did wonder though.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't though.
He is just a rude git !

He turns up for a family meal that we have spent hours making ,never brings so much as a bottle of wine, eats the food we have made , doesn't even say thankyou or say it tasted nice, indeed at Xmas he actually left our house without even saying goodbye and thanks .
He actually just took kids and left.
My mum always says he doesn't meant to be rude , but he shows a shocking lack of manners.

gubbygubby Sun 26-Jun-16 09:14:12

Define me
Yes, I need to be brave. I've learned from a very passive people pleasing mother who never pulls any bad behaviour up so as not to upset anyone.

RandomMess Sun 26-Jun-16 09:17:10

Doesn't matter that he didn't mean to be rude HE IS RUDE!!!

Why does your Mum think the sun shines out of his backside? I think you need to remind your Mum that he is both rude, blunt and unkind and her defence of his behaviour is hurtful.

Next time he turns up for meal actually ask him where his gift is for the host? Actually ask him whether he appreciated the meal, could muster up a thank you?

Sounds like you need to stop being ultra polite and be as blunt as him!

How annoying that you are adopted for the gift of that one comment alone!!!!

greenfolder Sun 26-Jun-16 09:17:22

You need to take responsibility for your adult relationship with your sibling. My db is an irritating fucker. I do not put up with anything from him that I wouldn't tolerate from a work colleague.

NickiFury Sun 26-Jun-16 09:19:40

He sounds like an arsehole! Who looks down on you and your family though would probably deny that even to himself. I would challenge him robustly rip his head off every single time he did it. I don't care about myself but will never allow anyone to make negative comments and look down on my children.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 26-Jun-16 09:24:07

He doesn't sound clever, he sounds like a fuckwit. I agree that you should challenge him in the moment, no point dwelling on it and bringing it up later.

Failing to contribute to meals is rude unless he's doing an equal amount of hosting. Can't you be more assertive? Ask him to bring drinks or pudding?

gubbygubby Sun 26-Jun-16 09:24:28

My mum has always been very proud of him as DB is the family success story ! Straight A student from the crib, first at Oxford, great job
Married to the same
Inevitably very bright children while mine got one C in GCSE !

I'm aware that my feelings of inadequacy are at play here as it was hard being brought up with clever siblings when I wasn't and now have to go through it again with his DC so I feel especially sensitive to his criticism.

I feel bewildered that my mum is blind to his faults though .
Mum and I are close so I do tell her,
This time she was cross at the annoying DS comment and was going to ring him.
I asked her not too as I would deal with it.

Longtalljosie Sun 26-Jun-16 09:24:34

I'd keep your children out of his way to be honest. If a family do is arranged, go by yourself and your DH can have the kids. If something is said (and I hope it is) say you don't want your children exposed to snide comments that your 16 year old is a tart and that your SN youngest is a pain in the arse. That it's your job to step in when an adult is upsetting them. Make it clear you're happy to facilitate time with their cousins, but only if he's not there.

Longtalljosie Sun 26-Jun-16 09:25:38

Let your mum help you on this. He does it because of his own insecurities, hard as this is to believe. And he also does it because the rest of the family let him get away with it. He is a bully.

GeorgeTheThird Sun 26-Jun-16 09:29:08

I agree with others that it would help if you were able to say something at the time. Don't worry about saying the perfect thing, just say something.

Also, could you have a chat with his wife about these two recent things?

gubbygubby Sun 26-Jun-16 09:32:36

We usually do a big Boxing Day / Easter meal at our house as it gives mum a break.
So not an option to go on my own.
I did say to DH that I don't want to do Boxing Day .
He says it's not fair on my mum
DH is a great cook ( I'm shit !)
We spend a lot of money and time and when he leaves I end up feeling furious .
I'm not a petty person but he makes me feel petty. Grrrr

RandomMess Sun 26-Jun-16 09:38:38

Tell DB it's turn to host on Boxing Day to give Mum a break grin

It won't have occurred to him that he should actually, shock, horror, contributing ANYTHING other than his presence to the wider family!

Well you have to be born with the ability to be that bright/able anyone can LEARN manners...

"For someone with a degree from Oxford it never ceases to amaze me that you never learnt manners or kindness.."

Ditsy4 Sun 26-Jun-16 09:39:56

Then maybe retort with" For someone so intelligent you are very ignorant at times. Perhaps you should think before you speak!"

Or " it is funny how intelligent people have no common sense or manners."

Janecc Sun 26-Jun-16 09:40:51

Your brother really seems to be a spoilt, narcissistic brat, who cannot bare the limelight on anyone else. Feel sorry for him, he clearly has no self worth. I actually don't think your mother should get involved at all. She can only see good in him and she's making constant excuses for him. He's the golden child of the family. You shouldn't be asking for her help as it puts her in a very difficult position of going against a man, who you've described as turning what you say against you. He will likely do the same to her and punish her. So he's also very manipulative. You and DH should show a united force at the time things are said to protect your children and keep him at arms length. It's a shame. We cannot pick our families. I could write a book on mine.

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