AIBU in not wanting anything to do with my SIL?(107 Posts)
I will state for the record I am not a fan of my SIL, but I have always wanted her to have a relationship with my children.....until recently!
She has always been a very "jealous" person which was amusing when we were in our 20's but not when you reach your late 40's. This jealously makes her suspicious of everything that is said to her, she takes everything personally and has absolutely no sense of humour. This makes for some interesting time's between her and my DH, who as her brother, seems to deliberately "bait" her with his sarcastic sense of humour. I think a lot of the time it's because she doesn't understand his humour so this makes her feel stupid so she retaliates by having yet another strop.
We had another strop today but this time she went too far and began shouting at my 6 year old son and calling him a liar , so my husband told her to stop and basically didn't stop her leaving
escorted her out of our home.
She had her strop in front of my DH, my DS6, DS4, her Mom, her own DS9 and DS12, while I was upstairs getting changed, as I had just come home from work. I ended up shouting down the stairs, while hopping around trying to take my trousers off, for them to stop it as I did not want them arguing in front of the children, only to hear the door slam and she was gone!
When I came downstairs to find out what had happened my DH was furious, apparently his DN12 had thrown my DS6 shoes into the bushes outside and DH, jokingly, had took him to task. Everyone was giggling because he was being funny when , apparently, my SIL just blew up accusing my DS6 (much to his shock) of lying and saying my DS6 was always saying nasty things about DN12! Flabbergasted my DH gave as good as he got and that's why she left, taking her kids with her.
She has done this before and the last time it happened she didn't speak to DH (or us) for 6 months
it was bliss.
DH has just said "fuck her" but that doesn't make for good future relations but I am inclined to agree with him as I am not sure I want my kids to have to deal with her if she is always like this. I can't remember a time when spending time with their Aunt hasn't ended with her having a strop.
So AIBU in not wanting anything to do with my SIL?
Not in the slightest ! I have very little contact with my bil & sil - even less contact now that I don't speak to pil ! Drama free life is bliss
Maybe your DH should cut the sarcasm if he knows it always winds her up and ends badly
Your dh baits her?
Maybe she is so defensive and on edge because he is so mean to her?
YANBU. Children aren't obliged to have relationships with people because they share blood. Nasty people are nasty people regardless of who they are. My DCs don't really see my SIL, she just isn't interested and doesn't bother and I'm certainly not facilitating a relationship, same with one of my sisters, we see her once a year and she completely ignores my DCs, I'm not even sure they are aware that these 2 are aunts. I don't refer to them that way.
So basically your DH openly mocks and baits her and her children and deliberately humiliated her son by mocking him in front of his entire family and encouraging his entire family to laugh at him? A child.
And you're surprised she got pissed off? Maybe your family shouldn't dish it out if they can't take it. Why is it okay for your DH to humiliate and yell at a child in front of his entire family but your precious little flower can't be shouted at? Your DH sounds horrible.
Children aren't obliged to have relationships with people because they share blood.
So you wouldn't count a man who mocked a child to to the point where his entire family were laughing at it as 'nasty' then?
It sounds like six of one, half a dozen of the other with your husband and his sister. If I were her I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who deliberately winds me up despite knowing that I don't like it. And you saying that she 'doesn't understand' his sense of humour is just an excuse- he says things that he knows will upset her and you both blame her for getting upset. Perhaps it's got the best that you don't see each other; it doesn't sound like any of you enjoy each other's company.
I would normally agree with you DeathStare but on this occasion, he said he was genuinely being funny with the four kids and he only got sarcastic after she flew of the handle.
He was a bit shocked, TBH, as she just blew up, which totally bewildered him so he never even tried to calm the situation down like he normally does when he crosses the line.
He was 'being funny' at the expense of one child. That sounds bullying to me. And you and your DH sound like you justify nasty behaviour on the grounds of 'oh but it was funny'.
Oh I got really confused. I thought he was saying something to his own child (don't know what taking to task means btw). I get it now.
It does sound as if he enjoys winding his sister up, which I hate about people. That still doesn't mean she is nice if she always jealous and has no sense of humour. But I wonder, does she have no sense of your DH's humour? I have zero sense of humour with some people, because they are wind up mechants and goady fuckers. With others I can have a great laugh when it isn't at my expense.
DH said he wasn't winding her up. He said our DS6 came in looking for his shoes which he had left outside and DH went out to help as it has started to rain. DS6 was a bit upset as he said that DN12 had deliberately thrown the shoes away from him, which was why they were in the bushes.
DH said that when he came back in he waggled his eyebrows and said to DN9, in a "going on a bear hunt" voice "Did you throw the shoes into the bushes?", he then did it to DS4. They both giggled and said no. He then waggled his other eyebrow and said the same thing to DN12, who just smirked.
By this time DS6 was jumping around saying ask me, ask me.
It was at this point that SIL lost it and started pointing her finger her finger at DS6 and calling him a liar. Well DH then let loose his sarcasm and things deteriorated from there!
So your DH gets a kick out of baiting your sil until she blows up, then acts like the wounded party when she retaliates and you're bitching about her? I feel sorry for her tbh. Is she the scapegoat of the family? You only have his word for it that he wasn't being an arse, again!
I'm not sure I believe him tbh. It doesn't sou d like anything a child would find funny and I'm not sure how you ask who threw the shoes in a going on a bear hunt voice. If what he said is true the your SIL has overreacted to nothing but it doesn't sound right.
Why does your DH deliberately 'bait' her? What is to be gained by doing that?
So he takes pleasure in baiting her until she loses her temper then does what we call in our family the "footballer's who me?" defence?
BeYourself, all of this happened in front of her mother and the other children. I suspect therefore that OP's DH's version is correct, because it is easy for OP to check.
Your OH clearly knows which buttons to press .....and then stands back and enjoys the show. He has probably done it all their lives and can probably do it quite subtly so other people think she is kicking off unreasonably. My brother was pretty good at it too until I got fed up with his nonsense and went nc. His wife was oblivious too.
I have to agree with some of the comments. DH does deliberately bait his sister because he knows she doesn't "get" his humour.
I have told him on many of occasions not to do it because it's mean. He gets it, he does and he really, really, really tries not to but... I don't know if it is habit, sibling rivalry or because of all the mean things she has done in the past but he just, sometimes, can't leave it.
But I have to disagree with him bullying his DN's, he is never sarcastic to either of them, he doesn't even tell his nephews off anymore because SIL just doesn't believe that her kids can do nasty/horrible/stupid
let me throw the shoes in the bushes things.
She once famously said that my youngest son, when he was just 2 years old, had masterminded and managed to switch on the hose pipe and wet all the dried washing on the line while playing with his cousins, who would have been 10 & 7 . Obviously her two boys were playing at the other end of the garden so it was nothing to do with them!
She also claimed that that my same son had managed to open some sealed boxes on his own and scatter the contents all over the floor, while her two boys just sat in the corner being good!
I know I'm ignoring the main point but I just can't get past a 12 year old throwing a 6 yo's shoes into the bushes.
My DC are 8 and I'd give them a serious telling off for that. I'd certainly not be "joking" with their 12 yo cousin if she did it.
I once saw my perfectly lovely aunt and my dad resort to primary school siblings. I understood then why they didn't see much of each other
They were in their 50s.
You talk about blood relations as being special but they are born of many things including love, rivalry, memories and niggles. Not all parents are even handed. Not all grandparents are even handed.
If your DH doesn't want to see his dsis then that's up to him. It may be possible for you and her to have a respectful relationship and the cousins too.
Hmmm, there seems to be a similarity here. You are complaining that she never believes bad of her own children....but you seem to be exactly the same about your own children and blame everything on hers.
You obviously don't like her or her children and your OH can't resist baiting her so I'd do everyone a favour and give her and her kids a bit of space. Blood isn't everything and it all sounds quite toxic.
Momoftwoscallywags YANBU to not want the drama and you are right that people do not need to have a relationship just because they are blood related.... but ... YABU to stick up for your dh who sounds like he is inflaming the situation between himself and his sister.
You said "which totally bewildered him so he never even tried to calm the situation down like he normally does when he crosses the line."
So there are times when he crosses the line with his sister, an adult man in his forties (thirties??). That sounds a bit sad and like he enjoys winding her up.
Maybe she is annoying and maybe she feels jealous, and maybe she has reason to because your in-laws might have favoured your dh over his sister (when they were younger or now), maybe her marriage is not as happy as yours or maybe he children's dad is not on the scene (he is not mentioned here) or maybe she is unhappy because life seems to have been 'kinder'to her brother than her. I don't know.
Or maybe she is just, as you believe, a jealous person. But the thing is your two children have a relationship with their nephews and whatever your dh says it is unlikely he will cut his sister out of his life over an argument about shoes.
In your shoes I would try and make peace; get your dh to see that baiting his sister is not a particularity attractive trait in an adult! And make the situation work better for you, your dh and all your kids. YES it should not come down to you to be peacemaker but you asked what we thought and that is what I think.
PLUS your husband's unpleasant behaviour may be being noticed by the kids, along with your sister-in-law's flamboyant drama, and they may decide to mimic this with each other, so the best thing is to get the 'adults' to behave better together. I'd insitigate a bit of a sit down between your hubby and his sis and make it all about 'getting along well' for the sake of the kids. If your dh can't see that, and your sister-in-law can't see that, I'd leave them to it, and request them to leave the real kids out of it.
You DH sounds thoroughly unpleasant to bait his sister knowing how much it upsets her. Tbh I think she'd be better off without any of you.
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