AIBU to think that my life would have been so much different if my mother told me I was beautiful?

[wibblypig1]

Long story but do you think my mother not telling me this means I grew up not feeling good enough?

She told me today that people used to think she was a model, but growing up, she was always criticising me for being overweight. I never remember her telling me I was beautiful, or even pretty, even on my wedding day. She was also pretty controlling having lived on her nerves most of my life. My sister was more like her and got told she looked lovely, but not me. I suffer with low self esteem and confidence and I wonder how much of an effect this had on me. It hit me like a bolt of lightening today and I feel so sad.

[Shakey15000]

It is sad for the little girl/teenager and young adult

But what really matters is the person you are now

[EllaHen]

I'm in two minds. Self-worth shouldn't be about how you look but I'm getting that this one thing is part of a larger picture.

I don't often tell my daughter that she is beautiful but I do point out other attributes and encourage her to think she 'can do'. Besides, my Mum is always telling her she is beautiful (and she is).

[peoplepleaser70]

I have terrible low self esteem and confidence yet my mother has been nothing but loving/complimentary to me and still is but no matter what I can't see it. I have no idea where my insecurities come from i don't think society helps x

[DPotter]

Yes it is sad she didn't tell you you were beautiful on your wedding day. Its not just the lack of being told you're beautiful though is it ? Doesn't sound as if you mother 'cared' for you. Did she tell you she loved you ? That to me is very important - that a child feels loved and nurtured.

[Clawdy]

There is an article in the Guardian family section today, headlined Reasons Not To Tell Your Daughter She's Pretty. I didn't agree with it. Obviously, harping on about looks and weight to a child would be wrong, but never telling them they look lovely just seems very sad to me.

[Girlgonewild]

The Guardian article is good. My parents encouraged us to be very academic and we were praised for being ourselves and for our hard work and brains. I was actualyl a very pretty little girl and sometimes neighbours would say so btu I am so very very pleased that something so unimportant and superficial was never made much of when I was a child. One reason I have a very happy nice life is now is because my parents did not go on about my being pretty.

If you have to tell any child they look good say it to boys because far too often people praise their girls for looking good and their boys for being brainy which is why so many women end up in such a financial mess in life.

[QuiteLikely5]

There is no harm in telling your children they look beautiful.

it won't serve you well to blame your current situation on your mother. What would serve you well is seeking professional help to deal with your issues so that you can move forward with your life

[Palenopsis]

There's a site - daughters of narcissists I think, which you might find interesting.

It's a wider issue than being told you're pretty or not. It's more of a feeling of never being good enough.

[honeylulu]

My parents never told us we were pretty/beautiful or even "looked nice". I remember my mum saying to us (two girls) "well, neither of you are oil paintings". If she heard anyone else saying I was pretty (I doubt mean to sound vain but I was) she would snap "no she's not!" It was almost funny though I think at the time I was just rather baffled.
I'm not sure what was behind it. They were obsessed with school grades and probably wanted to focus on that. Maybe they thought admitting we were nice looking would "make us vain". I think there is merit in both but they took it too far.
It did knock my confidence as I grew up thinking I must be plain. Then in teenage years I suddenly had males taking an interest and telling me I was beautiful and it was very seductive. If I'd had a bit more confidence in myself I might have felt less enthralled by the attention. I made some not great decisions in those years.

[allowlsthinkalot]

I deliberately don't tell my daughters they are beautiful because I don't want them to focus on their appearance or feel that it matters to me

I think the issue is that your mum has focused on your appearance in a negative way and compared you negatively to your sister.

[wibblypig1]

Mom wasn't one for saying she loved us, no but she was affectionate and we could hug her and kiss on the cheek etc. She would get these black moods every week whilst doing housework and she had a volatile temper, being physically abusive and manipulative. In other senses of the word, she "cared" for us, clean house (neat freak), nice clothes, home cooked meals but her anxiety did, and still does, dominate her life. My sister added to that anxiety (her wedding day was a nightmare, and she managed to make my wedding day about her too, winding my mom up by almost making us late, not once but twice) but she's forgotten that.

I try to be a good person, and I'm not violent with my own kids, but my daughter (5yo) has been spending time with her and my dad. Today, for the first time ever, she told me I was fat and shouldn't eat so much food. She backtracked quickly and I tried to ask her where she's got this "opinion" from and who had been saying it, for her to pick up on it. She said my dad had told her he is fat because he eats too much and he has a big tummy. I just feel a little bit like I'm going through it all again.

[IlovesLiz]

I think you'te feeli g guilry cos yoiu did t vite remain.

[Andbabymakesthree]

Whoah back away from AIBU and get yourselves into relationships section.
That stuff with your daughter is worrying and sounds like you have a lot of work to do with putting some boundaries into your relationship with your parents. Very unhealthy. I'm having some counselling for similar. Good luck.