To wonder if you can be happy alone?

(23 Posts)
wetsummerdaze Fri 24-Jun-16 17:06:28

Maybe this will be a break from the referendum threads, or maybe just get ignored; I don't know.

So, a life alone (I am facing this) doesn't look appealing.

- Endless days and nights pottering about the house alone. Going out is difficult due to finances.

- Holidays are tricky. Yes, I know you an holiday alone, maybe this is just a different people thing? I would not like it.

- Money.

- No sex.

Special events are unhappy.

Is finding contentment alone possible? I'm not sure it is

AnUtterIdiot Fri 24-Jun-16 17:09:34

None of that is going to look very appetising if you've just split up with someone and you didn't want to flowers

But if it's any consolation, I was single for a good six years and I'd say overall I managed to enjoy myself, even if I was sometimes sad. Being in a relationship that isn't working can be pretty lonely, and being in a relationship that is working doesn't mean you won't sometimes be sad anyway. It is what you make of it, I suppose.

wetsummerdaze Fri 24-Jun-16 17:13:19

Thank you for your kind message. I suppose at present I see singleness as probably a permanent state of affairs (I know everyone will insist oh, you will meet someone but they can't see me this probably wouldn't be wise!) and so life does look a bit bleak and lonely sad

ghostyslovesheep Fri 24-Jun-16 17:17:49

I can only answer for myself but in the adult sense of the word I am alone (single parent 3 kids)

I am alone through choice - I do not want another relationship - I am very happy - I do lots of stuff alone (I am off to London next Friday to watch a TV show live - on my own!) I like pottering around my house - I like my down time but I do have a busy working like and active social life so time alone is welcome

pasturesgreen Fri 24-Jun-16 17:28:05

Hi OP, kindred spirit here!

I've been single for about 10 years and I expect, for various reasons, I'll remain a spinster. It can be done, honestly grin

I've grown rather fond of my independence over time. I've only myself to please, no arguing over what's for dinner or which movie to go see at the cinema. I don't mind solo holidays either. Attending weddings alone I find excruciating, but then I'm a grumpy old bugger and never liked the whole wedding circus even when I was coupled up!

I won't lie, there are times when I miss the companionship, and I do worry about my old age (no siblings or other close relatives either), but I reckon I'm probably luckier than most in that I have a good job and no mortgage, so less to worry about.

Thankfulforeveryday Fri 24-Jun-16 17:30:33

I was alone for a long time but as a single mum. This was my choice. After a year of settling into not being married anymore and changing things about I really started to enjoy it to be honest. I looked forward to a child free weekend so I could please myself more. I never missed sex. I liked pottering about on my own. I started liking my own company more and more. I was very happy. I am actually married now, something I swore I wouldn't do again but I occasionally still hanker after those days and if things ever went pear shaped now I wouldn't be in the least bit worried about being back there. You'll get there, it just takes time and a bit of getting used too!!

wetsummerdaze Fri 24-Jun-16 17:34:22

I don't mind my own company but after seven solid days of it it's wearing a bit thin smile

Life feels very bleak.

maggiethemagpie Fri 24-Jun-16 17:34:38

I remember once someone said that we look at experiences in our life through a windowpane. This windowpane is our underlying beliefs, attitudes and assumptions.

For example someone who believes being single means they are a failure, will see everything through that windowpane and likely to have a negative experience.

Someone who believes single = freedom and independence will have a more positive experience.

I personally was in the former category before I met my DH. It almost physically hurt some times to be single as it was just a confirmation that there was something wrong with me in my mind.

Other people have a much more pleasant experience as they don't interpret it the same way, they may think they are just fussy and setting high standards for themself rather than see it as rejection, for example.

So the answer to your question is yes, depending on their mind set.

wetsummerdaze Fri 24-Jun-16 17:40:38

I can see that, but it doesn't change the practical issues I've listed. I feel very isolated and alone.

AliceInUnderpants Fri 24-Jun-16 17:47:26

Do you not have any friends or family at all? Why can't you foresee yourself having any?

wetsummerdaze Fri 24-Jun-16 17:51:29

I don't really, Alice, no. Friends tend to spend free time with their own partners.

InstinctivelyITry Fri 24-Jun-16 17:58:18

Hi OP... I think I can empathise.... I'm separated almost a year (not sure if this is the case with you) and am utterly convinced that I will never meet someone who will like me for me.
Whilst I realise that my thinking might be a bit skewed, I can't allow myself to believe I'll meet someone, because of the inevitable crushing disappointment if I don't.
I have so much to give and whilst I'm happy enough in my company, I enjoy being around people and the lift it gives me.
Sorry I'm not being more helpful but I suppose I wanted to show some solidarity

wetsummerdaze Fri 24-Jun-16 18:15:00

Thanks, Instinctively smile

I don't know how to feel about life. I sort of have to muddle through it but it's rubbish sad

Allbymyselfagain Fri 24-Jun-16 18:18:11

Sorry west but there are other single people out there. Why can't you make friends with them. I'm single, I have lots of single and in relationship friends. We have a great time. There isn't a chance to get lonely. The great thing about being single is being able to please yourself and do things you want to do and then you meet other people who have the same interests.

Any groups or hobbies you'd like to do?

wetsummerdaze Fri 24-Jun-16 18:20:17

I do understand what you mean, but it's not that simple. It means you have to be out of the house a lot (impractical with young children) and plus, as I've said, you still go home alone. I don't really have any hobbies anyway - about as deep as a puddle smile

Ragwort Fri 24-Jun-16 18:34:00

Yes, I think you can be very happy alone.

i also think you can be very unhappy living with a partner.

There are lots of people who have partners who socialise without them (including myself grin) - I have a huge circle of friends, neighbours, acquaintances - some are in relationships, some are not.

I don't know what makes it easy for some people to make friends and some to not - I don't think it's as simple as 'getting out of your comfort zone and doing something' - but I do think that would help a bit.
My DH finds it very hard to make friends but he is very 'narrow minded' when it comes to meeting other people. I am happy to meet anyone and everyone. grin.

Some of the happiest people I know are single, they have a wide range of interests and activities and consequently they are very interesting to be with. Some of the dullest & most miserable people I know seem to be in isolated, restricted relationships.

TheNotoriousPMT Fri 24-Jun-16 18:42:22

Live Alone And Like It is a better book than the cover might suggest. It was published in 1936, so some of the details are a little dated, but the spirit isn't.

'This book is no brief for living alone. Five out of ten of the people who do so can't help themselves, and at least three of the others are irritatingly selfish. But the chances are that at some time in your life, possibly only now and then between husbands, you will find yourself settling down to a solitary existence . . . The point is that there is a technique about living alone successfully, as there is about doing anything really well. Whether you view your one-woman menage as Doom or Adventure, you need a plan, if you are going to make the best of it'

SamWheat Sun 26-Jun-16 13:58:14

I think it all depends on a person's mindset.
See it as something positive and learn to enjoy your own company. Even if money is an issue, there's usually something, somewhere that'll be going on that you can join, or take walks in the park or whatever.
If you're someone who's determined to see it as a negative thing (not saying you are, obviously no idea) then you will struggle being on your own.
Go places, see stuff, join things. In between all that, enjoy your own company and take up some hobbies, be it reading, crafting, binge watching dvd boxsets... grin

peachpudding Sun 26-Jun-16 14:03:34

Its not for everyone, but I love my own company. I could never live with anyone again. Worst feeling in the world when the phone rings or there is a knock at the door.

maggiethemagpie Sun 26-Jun-16 14:09:02

I was single for a long period in my 20s and early 30s and hated it. I was jealous of anyone who was in a long term relationship (ie most people) and it ate away at my soul.

Well they say the grass is always greener because now I am in a settled relationship with kids, which I am happy with, I see how much I should have been grateful for.

Just recently I had a desire to move back to another part of the country where I had lived previously, as there are many benefits to living there. If I was single I would up and move, I really would. As it is, it's too big a decision to undertake on a whim now I have a family and partner, so I probably won't. Just one example of the freedom I had to do what I wanted which doesn't exist anymore.

I wish I could go back and live those 'freedom years' again without the pain I felt at being on my own, which clouded my everyday experience and resulted in a long term depression. I feel like I missed out because of my negative attitude. I'll never get those years back now, even if I end up single in the future, it won't be those years but different years.

happypoobum Sun 26-Jun-16 14:28:59

According to some research done in the US (sorry, can't find it now) the "Happiness Scale" goes like this:
Married Men
Single Women
Married Women
Single Men
I am single and very happy indeed - far happier than I was married, and I have done that twice!!
You do sound very down and defeated OP. Your posts make me feel your last relationship knocked your self esteem badly. If you really do want to have people to go out and do things with, you will need to take those scary first steps, and invite the parent of your childrens friends out to a park, something like that?
I am assuming you don't work? Is that an option for you, even a few hours a week could make all the difference to how you feel.
Good luck flowers

Twowrongsdontmakearight Sun 26-Jun-16 14:29:36

You asked if you can be happy alone. My answer is that I hope so because most of us end up alone in the end!

Ok, so you've got young children, so you're not alone. They get to be better and better company as they get older. Go to the park (free) and you can usually find someone to chat to. Have a friend over for tea and have a coffee with the mum when she picks her DC up.

Do you work? If so, are there any single colleagues you can meet up with? If you don't work, there'll be playgroups to go to. Then you can meet other people to go to the park with. If your DC are at school you could help out with the PTA events that DC can come to (assuming you have no money for babysitters).

You may or may not be religious but I know of several people (not religious!) who go to church and get involved with things there and manage to build up a network.

As to actually living alone, I did in my late 20s and early 30s before I met my now DH. I enjoyed it. I had a cat to talk to and enjoyed my space. I liked the fact that I only had myself to tidy up after, and if I couldn't be bothered, I didn't have to - it wasn't affecting anyone else. If I was in that situation again I'd get a dog. A living creature to get up for, care for, and get out of the house for a walk with.

I don't know how old your DC are, but at the moment I'm sure you feel exhausted with being in charge of everything yourself with no one to share the burden with. But this is a short term thing. DC grow and mature and become lovely companions. They'll start to be more helpful and will need less doing for them. So you can rest a bit!

What I'm trying (badly!) to say is, yes, you can be happy living alone. But you do need to make some effort, even if you don't feel like it at first, to make sure you get out and about and interact with other people at some point.

MirriVan Sun 26-Jun-16 14:35:49

I think being alone and being single are two very different things.
I wouldn't be happy alone - i.e. no friends or family. I think most people would struggle in that situation.
However, I think people can definitely be happy single (I'm one of them).
It doesn't sound like you will be though, without a huge shift in attitude.

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