to stop being so reasonable

(5 Posts)
PurpleFoxgloves Thu 23-Jun-16 15:56:12

maybe reading this topic has done it to me, but I'm constantly worried about being unreasonable - in work, in life. I feel like I'm always trying to justify my actions in my head and make sure I'm acting fairly and appropriately.

My husband almost never does this. He never questions if he's reacted appropriately eg to a work dilemma, difference of opinion or anything. Just acts how he feels is right at the time and gets on with things. A lot of men I work with are the same and it never seems to do then any harm or lose them respect - quite the contrary.

So is it a female thing? An over-thinker thing?

I'm always dithering and worried about upsetting people, worried that stress/tiredness/not seeing the whole picture is making me react a certain way and backtracking after the event (which probably makes me look a bit weak/ indecisive)

Example- a person I manage has recently let me down badly and pissed me off. So I reacted quite firmly and angrily (in private discussion with them) and told them I was really disappointed. They tried to argue their POV but at the time I considered it a poor excuse. Then I went home and couldn't stop thinking about whether that person was indeed justified in their actions, dissecting the whole history of the fuck up and then asking myself whether I should apologise to them or at least meet them in the middle. It's exhausting.

Anyone think they also need to stop being so reasonable (within - haha - reason)?

SpinnakerInTheEther Thu 23-Jun-16 16:08:01

The reason, as it appears to me, you might feel guilty, is that your response was born out of anger. There would be no regrets to be had if you had listened and processed their views fully and then responded. Even if your decision, in terms of action to be taken or view of the situation, were the same.

Saying this, of course you will feel anger, when let down, but it is best not to let it overwhelm you, especially in a work situation. At work you are obliged to be fair, reasoned and accountable for your decisions (even if the business is yours you have to act within the law.)

There is no point in dwelling on this though. Everyone acts emotionally sometimes, it is part of being human. An awareness that this is not always appropriate is enough to make you want to modify your behaviour - hence you correctly felt guilt.

PurpleFoxgloves Thu 23-Jun-16 16:19:34

I know what you're saying but I'm still not sure.

I mean when I say I acted firmly and angrily it was not 'you fucking idiot!' but more 'I'm really unhappy that you haven't managed to sort this, there's a lot going on right now and you really do need to find a way to get things done in time'.

So on the one hand, my anger at the situation and subsequent reaction could have been justified but then I am so hell bent on being reasonable, that as soon as I hear a different POV I can't help but take it on board and look at the situation from 1000 different angles. I mean, nothing's ever as straightforward as it looks.

My husband argued I should be more secure in my own reactions IYSWIM - he says not doing so just makes you look weak, adds confusion and wastes time. He says women do this a lot at work and it's annoying confused

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 23-Jun-16 16:27:22

I think you sound like a kind person who is considerate of other's feelings and you use your empathy of a person's situation to decide your reaction.
It's never pleasant to reprimand someone at work but it doesn't sound like you were overly harsh.
I agree, you do need to have more confidence in your reactions i.e. don't replay it in your mind for hours afterwards and criticise yourself.

SpinnakerInTheEther Thu 23-Jun-16 16:38:52

If that is all you said, I would say you were being firm, not overly angry. If you are in charge you will have to be firm as you are responsible for decisions. You can feel empathy for the person being reprimanded however if their actions are incorrect they have to be rectified. You can be supportive in helping them manage their workload but it is a fine balance between this and micromanaging. The doubt you feel is normal and can be positive, though, it shows you are open to considering other viewpoints. The thing is, if further consideration does not change your view on the necessity of the outcome of these events, it shows your initial reaction was correct.

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