To have left dh alone with kids?(26 Posts)
He has been off work for the last 2 weeks and as per usual, has spent the whole time criticising my parenting. He moans when I won't let him feed the kids junk and give them whatever they want to keep them quiet. When I point out that they have a routine and that I am the one dealing with them all of the time when he is at work, he goes on the defensive and says that I don't want him around. He constantly accuses me of being negative when I'm not being (eg if he suggests we do something and I explain that we can't for whatever reason, then I am being negative). It's sucking the life out of me.
I've had it constantly for the last 2 weeks now and he made a few snarky remarks about my parenting again this morning and I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want another argument where I would be made out to be the bad guy again so I hopped in the car and left him to it. He seems to think he knows better anyway so why not?
Is he this bad usually? Is there a particular reason he's off for 2 weeks? And no I'd have some well deserved me time if all he's doing is moaning.
Yanbu. Make sure you stay out past dinner and bedtime so he has to do the bit of the day when they are tired, cranky and have eaten too much crap.
Stay out as long as you can, if possible well past bedtime. Let him reap what he's sown if he's fed them crap all day. Try and do it for a few days if you can. Hopefully you and what you do day in day out might be a bit more appreciated by him as a result.
Is there something in the cinema you would like to watch. If so, go for it. Remember you will have to turn your phone off
Book into a hotel for the night and treat yourself to a spa day or something. Let him deal with cranky bedtimes when he's fed the kids a load of shite.
Otherwise you'll land back and he'll hand them over to you because "he's been looking after them all day" and you'll have to put them to bed.
Yes. Let him experience bed time after all the junk he lets them have and giving in to keep his life easy
how old are your kids? i mean..will you worry about them because they're babies? if not sod it...go cinema, go spa, go window shopping. leave him to it until well after bedtime. sod's law will be that he feeds kids all sorts of shit, lets them get away with murder and wreck the place, but they'll go sleepybyes beautifully and not play him up once...it's the novelty factor, i'm afraid.
I think it's really hard to give an opinion op.
If he's off and you are all on holiday then surely your strict routines shouldn't negate days out for example or occasional pizza/Maccis treat?
How rigid is your routine and are you excluding your dh to the point where he can't be spontaneous with his own children? Not saying that's how it is and I agree routine is important as is a healthy diet but these do need yo he flexible
poor you....I recommend finding a willing friend for a loooong dinner and film...with the phone off....
maybe losing your DH would be a good idea?
I sympathise, but...... Don't make the children collateral damage, will you? They'll be wanting you at bedtime, surely?
My solution would be to go back for the children's dinnertime, sit with them while they eat it (not prepared and served by you, natch), give them all kisses - and tell them you'll be going out and you'll see them tomorrow.
Tomorrow, repeat if necessary
i am sorry but it does sound like you are trying to control things too much. Let your husband be heard and involved. You could sit down and plan some things, ie stick to the routine but suggest that one day he could, for example, make burgers with the children from scratch or another day, he could take them to the park + buy them ice cream. Hopefully that way the routine will be maintained but your husband will feel involved and the children will know that they are getting an occasional treat. The key is not to just say 'no' to your husband but to make an alternative suggestion - you will come across as helpful and not a nag.
Really hard to say without his side of things. I'd be pretty pissed off if DH (SAHD) "wouldn't let" me feed my child. If he wants to do something with them then let him surely - unless you think he's going to put them in danger or something.
Is he on holiday? If so why not make some suggestions yourself of things you can do and relax some rules a bit?
Enjoy your day out.
No and the kids will cope for one night without you putting them to bed. I would give him notice that you don't intend to be back until after bedtime though, that way no one will be waiting and hoping that you will walk through the door in a minute
And op in the midst of the routine, and I totally agree routine is important, don't forget the fun of spontaneous fun time.
My dh worked away and was only home weekends so Friday night was pizza and DVD night with us and the kids and a later bed time to celebrate.
Those kids are now grown up and parents themselves and still say they remember the thrill and fun of that time with daddy.
Think you need to listen to your dh and work together to parent.
My own parents spent my childhood flouncing out for hours on end and then trying to persuade us kids to side with one or the other . don't do that please.
Can you be more specific? What is he actually feeding the kids? Where does he want to go and why can't you go? How old are the dc?
I mean if he's feeding them coke and haribos for breakfast I'm with you, but if it's a few treats because he's on holiday is that so bad?
Same with the routine, if he's taking them to the pub at 8pm for football I'd be annoyed but if he just wants a day out and to come back a bit late would it hurt?
Of course he shouldn't be criticising your parenting, but it's hard to say whether he's totally in the wrong without examples.
Good idea. Text him if there is anything he should know ie pick kids up from school so he doesn't assume you're doing it. Then turn your phone off and go and enjoy yourself! If he is well enough to do the childcare then why not make a point. He'll either cope really well or really appreciate you when you come back! Either way he should realise how fed up he is making you.
I try to make the absolute most of dhs time off work and do as much as we can, we eat out a lot and have lots of ice creams at the park.
You don't say if he's on holiday from work or off sick getting under your feet or whatever.
Oh I should point out though that this might backfire, just because they don't follow the routine for /2/3 day(s) doesn't mean they are automatically going to become 2 headed monsters at dinner and bedtime, it may go without a hitch, and then you will have to deal with him being smug and thinking he is right..
i wonder whether he's trying to feel included and as though he has input, and you're being overly defensive and feeling criticism whereas really both of you are just trying to get some validation. DH & I get into these sort of patterns and I try and see it from his perspective and he from mine, surely some fun should be built in on holidays? you're also NBU to go out for a day on your own, it doesn't have to be a flounce
I am pretty pro routine myself - first was a bloody awful sleeper and I admit to going ever so slightly mad with exhaustion and obsessions! But in hindsight I also know at times I took it too far.
So DH is on vacation (?) and wants to do some adventures/treat stuff - then YA probably BU to not loosen up a bit. But if DH is waiting till you serve out freshly made dinner and handing round cake and fruit loops or dragging 2 small kids to an all day lecture on quantum physics then not YANBU and feel free to leave him to it.
Hard to tell which way it went from your Op
Could it be a bit of both: that you are both unwilling to compromise and let the other parent have a say? Is he just criticising your parenting, or is he complaining that you criticise his?
To get the benefits of equal parenting, you need to work away from a model where one parent is seen as the expert and the other parent carries out instructions. Impossible if he is not willing to pull his weight. But equally impossible if his voice doesn't count.
I look back on a childhood where my mother often (and bitterly) complained about not being seen as my father's equal professionally and outside the home. Yet the moment he did something his own way in the kitchen (where he has always done his equal share), he got to hear that "I do actually know something about this, I am the one who has been properly taught". They are now in their 80s and he still gets to hear that she knows best because she has been trained- yes, that was as a little girl 70 years ago, doesn't mean he couldn't have learnt anything since if you'd let him.
fwiw my extended family has always gone in for relaxing routines on holiday (and we are talking inter-railing across Europe with toddlers, not just letting them have burgers for tea)
the result seems to be that they have generally grown into people who can cope with upsets to their routine
not a bad outcome
What does he suggest that you do together that you can't do? I do think it sounds as though you need to unclench a bit to be honest. He is off for 2 weeks and it does sound as though he wants to spend time with you and the children though I don't think that he should be hard on you about it. Disagreeing with him doesn't mean that he gets to moan constantly and undermine you. I would like to hear his side, as 'routine' can mean different things to people.. If he says excitedly 'Ooo lets go to the beach tomorrow' and you say 'No we can't, the children must have an organic meal from scratch at 6pm precisely' then clearly he has reason to be peeved. If however its more 'We should decorate all the bedrooms this week' and you saying ' we won't have the time and it will be a bit expensive as well as disruptive to the childrens routine' then fair enough.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.