To be really upset about DP just springing this on me?

(97 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Wed 22-Jun-16 10:27:53

So this morning DP wakes me up by telling me he's going away for a week, to stay with friends at the other side of the country.

Aibu to be really upset that he's just sprung this on me?

He's been struggling a lot at work recently (I posted on here about it) and has just had enough. He says he's feeling depressed and needs to get away for a bit, have a break and a change of scenery.

Aibu to be really upset that, rather than talk to me and tell me how he is feeling, he's just disappearing for a week? Don't know how to handle this.

TooMuchMNTime Wed 22-Jun-16 10:31:33

Are there DC to look after?
I wouldn't mind but "instant change of scene" is the kind of thing I'd do to make myself feel better
If there's no particular plans you had that are being canned and if here's no DC then I think it's fine.

NavyAndWhite Wed 22-Jun-16 10:32:09

It seems very strange and yes I don't think it's very fair at all.

How's your relationship otherwise?

BertrandRussell Wed 22-Jun-16 10:33:08

Any children? When is he going?

WorraLiberty Wed 22-Jun-16 10:33:19

Do you have children?

Mirandawest Wed 22-Jun-16 10:33:42

I can understand the feeling of wanting to do it. Do you have children as not fair on you to just decide to exit from that IMO.

drspouse Wed 22-Jun-16 10:37:49

If you don't live together and don't have DC then it's a bit sudden but probably OK.

If you had plans, or live together (where your "plan" is to eat dinner together, clean the house together/in turn, sleep in the same bed etc.) or have DC then this is weird.

whois Wed 22-Jun-16 10:38:02

If you have children - not relaly cool to just dump you in it as a fait accompli.

If you do not have children, I would be more understnading but still I would find it hard not to be a bit hurt that he didn't want to spend a break with me going somewhere.

ThomasRichard Wed 22-Jun-16 10:39:15

No, not cool but he must be pretty desperate if he's done it, unless he's usually a selfish muppet.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Wed 22-Jun-16 10:39:41

No, we don't have any children.

He told me at about half 8 this morning, left about half an hour later.

Generally our relationship is good although we haven't been seeing a lot of each other lately as he has been working so much and is very stressed out.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Wed 22-Jun-16 10:41:14

Sorry, forgot to add we do live together.

OracleofDelphi Wed 22-Jun-16 10:42:59

I understand why you are a bit upset but I dont think its that odd - esp if there are no children. About a month ago I hit a bit of a rut, and just felt really sad and down (which is quite unlike me, as I tend to get angry or anxious, rather than down). I just felt like I was going to cry all the time, and on a Monday told DH how I felt. He suggested me going to stay with my parents for 4 days who live on the other side of the country, and by the next morning I was on a train. we do have DC but he sorted them all out and the dog, and I had 4 lovely days and it did me the world of good.

Are you sad because hes going, or are you sad because he came to this conclusion on his own? I think that if there are no DC that need him, and as long as he doesnt do this regularly then dont say anything. if he really is struggling, the last thing he needs is more conflict with you.

I can understand you might have waned him to talk it through rather than just announce, but if it does the job in the long term its not that big a thing

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 22-Jun-16 10:44:18

I also think that the crucial factor in deciding whether he is being U or not is how much inconvenience or reorganisation of childcare etc. this is going to cause.

If there are no DCs and the stay with friends is not going to use up money you don't have or use up all of his annual leave meaning you have to cancel your own holiday plans etc., then it seems perfectly reasonable to me.

But then I am also someone who really benefits from a change of scene to think difficult things through - luckily we have a static caravan in Devon so there has been an easy option for doing that over the years! Having three DCs, I always have to wait until I can take them with me though! I wouldn't expect to just up and leave and abandon DH to juggle work, house & DCs alone.

Floggingmolly Wed 22-Jun-16 10:46:34

I do think announcing it 30 minutes before walking out the door is a bit odd, yes... Surely he's had to square it with work, so he's been planning it for a little bit longer than that??

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 22-Jun-16 10:47:17

Ah, took so long to type I crossed posts with you OP.

It is short notice yes, but I'm guessing DP must have been desperate to get away from work for a while.

Not so much U, but I would be worried about how stressed he is just now to get that desperate.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Wed 22-Jun-16 10:49:50

I need him Oracle!

This is very out of character for him, I've never known him to be like this, never done anything like this before. He is normally a very responsible person, always has a job, never misses contact with his DS etc. Then out of the blue he quits his job and leaves for a week? I guess I'm just confused and upset because I've had no time to process this.

I'm upset that he didn't discuss it with me, I wouldn't even have stopped him it would have just been nice to be consulted or at least taken into consideration a little bit.

I just don't really know what to do next. How do I support him?

heron98 Wed 22-Jun-16 10:51:40

I don't know - if he's had a hard week and needs to get away it sounds like it was a last minute decision so he's not really springing it on you as such.

I don't have kids either and wouldn't mind if my DP did this if he felt he needed to.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Wed 22-Jun-16 10:52:44

I think it's not wrong of him but a bit weird he didn't talk it through with you while arranging it, even if that was last night...

If you had children it would be not on at all if it left you unexpectedly juggling his share of the childcare alongside work - if my DH wants to go away for a motorbike trip or has to go away with work I have to take annual leave and reschedule my self employed work because I work hours during which childcare can't realistically be covered by anyone but him.

It is a bit weird - I would assume he's having a bit of a crisis and let him have some space in your case, as he hasn't actually dropped you into a tricky situation or anything. When he comes back have a calm talk about dealing with things as a team.

DorindaJ Wed 22-Jun-16 10:53:02

what floggingmolly said...

SapphireStrange Wed 22-Jun-16 10:54:16

I think it's very weird and am hmm at people saying it's OK as long as there are no children. DP and I don't have children but I wouldn't dream of doing this and neither would he. People can and do have responsibilities other than children.

If it's out of character, as the OP says, then it's even stranger.

Presumably him quitting his job will impact you both, so I can't see why he just did it and presented it as a fait accompli.

OP, do you know these friends of his? I'd be tempted to call and check in with them. See if they can tell you about his state of mind etc.

branofthemist Wed 22-Jun-16 10:54:43

I need him Oracle!

Why? What do you need him for this week?

I think it's a bit odd. But not overly so. We all need to get away sometimes. You don't have kids, so it not like it puts you out.

Sometimes a spontaneous trip can be just what you need.

Are you concerned he isn't coming back?

SapphireStrange Wed 22-Jun-16 10:55:54

Why? What do you need him for this week?
For heaven's sake. People need their partners. Is that such an outlandish idea?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Wed 22-Jun-16 10:55:57

Oops - he's quit his job? Did he only tell you that this morning too? That will impact you presumably, if you have joint rent or mortgage? He should have talked to you about that as soon as he started to think about it/ as soon as he did it if it was heat of the moment!

EnidButton Wed 22-Jun-16 11:00:37

Yes it's weird! I'm also hmm at posters suggesting that not having children makes it ok to vanish for a week with 30 minutes notice. Having a partner isn't just about sharing childcare.

It's really odd.

HopeArden Wed 22-Jun-16 11:01:22

Quitting his job and doing something which is out of character is a cause for concern. I'd be worried about potential breakdown or something. Yy to checking in with his friends. He has sprung this on you at the last minute precisely so that he doesn't have to talk to you about it - that would worry me.

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