Two sets of in-laws and newborn(414 Posts)
Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.
DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.
I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.
Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.
Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....
Your not being selfish at all.
Put your foot down.
Tell them to book into a hotel and they can visit for a short period of an hour a day. If They try to over stay their welcome the. Simply go upstairs to your bedroom with the baby and ask them to see themselves out.
Your DH sounds like a twat.
I agree with you. But if it can't be helped make sure you stay in your room with the baby and your boobs out. That was enough to keep my in laws away. Let DH wait on his parents hand and foot.
I can't work out how he's your FIL, but no experience of babies?
It does sound a difficult situation, hotel?
Good luck, and ENJOY !
People will say YABU because on here there's some weird idea that your baby belongs to its grandparents and you should be running around making their tea while they have cuddles.
In reality, YANBU. You're the one that has just had a baby. You make the rules for the first couple of weeks.
They had your DH so they do know something. Can see your DH point about your mum seeing baby and not his. Ask him to tell them to stay at a hotel and help out a little. Also limit visitors to an hour a day, maybe?
Erm how do they know nothing about babies....they are parents too so i doubt they know nothing.
They are in their 70s maybe its tiredness not laziness?
Not meaning to be harsh but you are having a baby not a 4 limb amputation why do you need people to cook and clean for you?
Your dh is willing to meet his parenrs needs for a few days so you can do nothing.
Holding their gc is a perfectly normal thing to want to do. I dont get how this us "passing the vaby around".
Tbh it just sounds like you detest them and are looking for excuses.
Your dh has a point. If his family are not welcome why should yours be?
As long as it's the same rule for both families then it's fine. I didn't want visitors either, not houseguests.
The most id compromise is that they need to stay in a hotel.
theres a bid difference in someone visiting ie staying an hour having a quick cuddle in between feeds and a cup of tea, and some one staying for a few days expecting a guest room all set up, to be waited on hand and foot and fed all meals endless cups of tea and sulking if they can't hold the baby for hours on end.
Tell your dh that they are welcome to visit (see above definition) but they have to stay in a hotel or B and B because you're not up to the all inclusive guest experience they are used to.
YANBU to not want visitors so that you can bond as a family. The first few weeks is the hardest and most testing. You probably won't feel yourself and don't need to be worrying about taking care of adult family members.
However YABU to think it's okay to have your own family members over in the "no visitor" period but not your partners, regardless of who's the most helpful. If you truly wanted the time to bond as a family and relax then nobody should be coming to visit.
The hotel idea sounds like a fair compromise!
Make it the same rule for both families. No overnight guests for the first few weeks and short enough visits for you to all be wanting to see more of each other.
Don't worry about not bonding as a family, that sort of thing takes time and won't be interrupted by a few visitors or grandparents wanting to hold their precious first grandchild.
Enjoy it, don't set any rules in stone, you might be thrilled to have people around.
Okay... I'm on the fence here. I'm "one of those" that had two weeks with no visits besides my mum who helped deliver my baby (she's a midwife) and most mnetters would say that's grossly unfair BUT my experience with my first child wasn't something I fancied repeating, hence ground rules the second time.
You're going to run into problems with the way you're approaching this though. Saying they have no experience, telling them what newborns are like... all very patronising, particularly when you haven't even had the baby yet and gives them good reason to call you unreasonable.
I still fail to understand why, if PIL/Parents are obviously parents themselves, why that can't get it into their heads that you don't want visitors, let alone house guests when you've just had a baby! Surely they can remember how knackering and daunting it is first time round?!
When my Dd was born, my mum and dad came to the hospital for half an hour during evening visiting hours - but kept asking me on the phone "are you sure you want us to come today? We can wait". But I really wanted my mum at that very moment!!
Seawitch SMIL rang to give their congratulations, and told us to let them know when we were up for visitors. They ended up coming over for a few hours when Dd was about 5 days old.
I know it's easier said than done, but you need to make it really clear that visitors need to be invited, not invite themselves - whether they are grandparents or not!
I didn't have any visitors for almost 2 weeks, as that was what we had decided.
A Shame to keep Banding around how 'lazy' they are though. If I barely ever visited someone I probably wouldn't barge in and take over their cleaning and shopping duties.
Just say no and ask your Dh to support you in this.
Hoe can they be parents and have no experience of babies? You're not a parent yet - they have more experience of being parents than you do...
I think banning the I laws but allowing your mum there, will lead to all sorts of problems.
Your in laws (rightly or wrongly) will feel unimportant and that your parents are prioritised.
Down the road you can't spend time wondering why the in laws aren't as involved as your parents.
Personally I would let them come but say they must stay in a hotel.
I don't believe that grandparents own a baby. But I believe if you want to maintain a good relationship between your child and it's grandparents, pushing them out won't help.
Also, wouldn't it be better to have them there when dh is off, rather than when he is back at work?
I think there's a big difference between having people pop over and having people stay - i wouldn't have that with a new baby.
I can see how your DH has become defensive about his father if your mother is being allowed 'in'. It's just human nature.
It's also natural to worry about your baby being passed about. I did, it's a real worry, and i get how it feels. In reality you will have control over this and will be able to manage it. Trust me.
My advice here would be to:
a) ask in-laws to stay in a hotel when they come up.
soften this by:
b) reducing the no visitor rule to just the first week, not two.
c) don't have your mum round every day cooking and cleaning. There's no need and it just makes the contrast with your ILs look worse for your DH.
He can help out and you can live on easy meals for the first few days. The house will have to be a bit messy - you wont care! If you're going to have a few days of bonding with baby just you and DH then make it just you and DH. Not you and DH ... oh, and just your mum. That bit's not fair.
They have more experience of having their own newborn than you!
Don't make the mistake of treating them differently to your own parents.
I think its so important they get to see their new grandchild. I am a gm and l wouldn't have been able to wait and my ds really wanted to show her off to me. However visitors stayers a different story. I could have handled one night. Could your dh make some dinners now for the freezer so he won't have to worry about cooking for them. So one night in the house. But lm insisting on this. They must see their gc if your dm is seeing him. Remember if you have a boy you will be that old 70s grandma in years to come unable to see your gc for weeks. Come on! Actually as a new mom you will be mad for everyone to see your little one and often the tiredness is worse after 2 weeks of sleepless nights.
Go and stay at your mom's and let DH visit with his parent there's -
Nothing wrong at all with not wanting house guests. However, in the nicest way possible, you sound like a loon preaching your expertise of newborns to people who are parents when you aren't yet! Ofcourse, like all expectant parents who've read a book, you know it all. Except you absolutely don't. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you think you will want but be prepared to change your mind. You'll have lots of time for bonding. You're guaranteed your family will have no interest in interrupting your bonding through the night! Having a new baby is blindsiding enough without chucking in stresses that don't need to be there. This is your husband's baby too, he has just as much right to share that joy with his family as you do.
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