to ask my ex not to introduce our 5 year old to the OW?

(30 Posts)
movingonup2016 Mon 20-Jun-16 20:38:07

In March I found out my DH was seeing another woman. He left me and my son in our family home, from which we have since moved out to start again. It has been an upheaval to say the least. DH has agreed to a divorce in which I can state adultery as the reason. I have been reasonable throughout this upsetting time, asking only that DH talk to me before introducing DS to the OW. I have since found out that DH and DS 'bumped into' OW whilst in town. Since then, DH wants to accelerate DS' relationship with OW, against my wishes. I am fraught that DS is already going under a massive period of upsetting change and just want DH to make this transition gradual. He is very much against the idea and has called me controlling and threatened court action. AIBU to expect after everything that's happened, he acts with a little sensitivity towards me and DS here?? Do I have any legal rights? Thank you MN.

DeathStare Mon 20-Jun-16 20:41:36

He is absolutely being unreasonable. Unfortunately on this one he legally cam be unreasonable and there's nothing you can do to stop him. I definitely make the request though

FeckinCrutches Mon 20-Jun-16 20:42:12

No legal rights unfortunately sad It would be nice if he could be understanding and ease off for a while, but ultimately it's up to him who he introduces your son too. Are they living together? How often is access?

movingonup2016 Mon 20-Jun-16 20:53:43

Not living together but he is being very secretive. DS has not yet mentioned her and obviously I don't want to push DS for any info. Fell like i'm treading carefully as DH has gone venomous and will use anything he can against me. DS has access 2 - 3 times a week. I have no intention of stopping him seeing DH. I just want to minimise the impact on DS when meeting OW.

self Mon 20-Jun-16 20:55:22

Let it go. Let them play happy families. Hard as it may seem. i went away overseas with out my son. One week into my holiday my MIL called and said son was missing me . After 3 weeks I came back Hubby said he did not realise our son would miss me so much . He is with O/w . Sorry but that's life.

toptoe Wed 31-Aug-16 10:03:32

You can hope for decency but don't expect it. The best thing for your ds is to let him lead the discussion about ow when he meets her. Tell him he can ask you anything he likes and you won't be upset or cross (his biggest fear is he'll upset you). Try to be honest but age appropriate. Unfortunately you can't protect him from all of the strangeness and he'll have more questions as he gets older. You can however teach him how to deal with other people's unreasonable behaviour and how to deal with painful feelings. It could be he takes it in his stride for now but he feels unsettled about it the older he gets.

toptoe Wed 31-Aug-16 10:06:13

Plus exdh is unlikely to want to warn you of the meeting if you are against it, as he won't act unless it benefits him. Unless he's vindictive and then he'll tell you to get emotional control and then ignore any pleas to take it steady with ds, calling you controlling etc (setting you up as the bad guy and blaming it all on you basically).

WhooooAmI24601 Wed 31-Aug-16 10:15:06

As awful as it is (and I know first-hand how soul destroying it can be when your DCs are introduced to new partners at a rate of knots) you have to let it go. Be his solid base and his consistency, be constant and have his back. There's nothing you can do to prevent it, much as it'd be lovely to think you and your Ex could choose an appropriate time together to introduce new partners.

clam Wed 31-Aug-16 10:17:23

self, you went away for three weeks and no one expected that your son would miss you? shock

Pestilence13610 Wed 31-Aug-16 10:24:28

He has waited 5 months, how long do you want him to wait? Presumably he thinks the OW will be a lasting relationship.

Pisssssedofff Wed 31-Aug-16 10:27:07

Let him taking you to court, that'll take a year to drag through by which time you'll know if it's a lasting relationship or not. 5 months is too early

problembottom Wed 31-Aug-16 10:39:53

A friend of mine was in a similar situation with a son the same age, she tried her absolute best to ensure introductions were done slowly but ex ignored her. A year on, her ex is still with the OW and predictably their son hates her with a passion because she's been shoved in his face and he is never alone with his dad. It's causing big issues right now - son has heard OW tell ex he's trying to split them up.

trafalgargal Wed 31-Aug-16 10:54:10

Realistically he's still with her so if the only thing you have against her is the affair and she's basically OK then it might be a battle you don't want to pick if the eventual aim is co operative parenting once things have calmed down.

That said I was an utter bitch about my husband's OW as she worked with him and had chased him blatantly for months and then had the bloody nerve to tell everyone they worked with that she was just being a friend to him after I left him (she missed out the part that I left because he'd shagged her). I told him I didn't want our son having any contact with someone so vile and hypocritical, especially as they were so unsuited it'd never last. To his credit he respected my feelings and when he cheated on her with yet another woman in the same department and left her he introduced me to the new woman and I had no problems with our son seeing her (not just because she wasn't OW but she actually liked kids unlike OW who was always going on about how she hated kids but was very miffed when excluded from big chunks of OHs life as he saw DS every weekend) She has kids with a new partner now .......I'm hoping a nice bit of karma comes her way 😀

Make it about who she is not what she is. If she's likely to be OK around your child then it might be better to lose this battle but win the war with a more cooperative relationship between you and your ex in the long term.

c3pu Wed 31-Aug-16 11:34:29

It's been nearly 6 months, if he's confident that he is going to stay with the OW then there's really no grounds to ask him not to.

Astoria797 Wed 31-Aug-16 13:26:50

I personally wouldn't be bothered. Your DS is presumably aware that his dad left you for her. I doubt that either he or the other woman will want to play happy families no matter how much your ex wants them to.

LittleBeautyBelle Wed 31-Aug-16 13:41:12

I don't know if you have legal rights, if you don't, I think you should.

He left you and your son. I personally don't believe he has the right to bring in another woman into your young son's life. You are the mother, he is your son, he's five. Your husband decided to throw his wife and son to the side for another woman. He put the ow first. I feel like the mother shouldn't have to put up with a cheating ex putting a cheating ow into her son's life. That is my opinion and I wish there were laws that respected the wishes of the parent who is put into such a situation.

If ever I were an ow or the partner of somebody's ex for some reason, I would respect the mother's wishes totally when it comes to her children. If she wanted me to have a relationship with them, I would. If she rather I didn't, I would respect that too. She is the mother.

People shouldn't get to screw with other people's lives and then get to have the relationships with the children any way they please. That's my opinion, maybe it's "not how things are" but that's what I think.

akkakk Wed 31-Aug-16 14:04:07

You are the mother, he is your son, he's five.
He is the father, he is his son, he's five

you can look at it either way...
how can you possibly ban his father from introducing his own son to his friends, whoever they might be - it could be someone he does sport with / knows from his church, or club, or work etc. etc.

it can be tough for the parent who has been abandoned for someone else and the introduction to the OW does come across as being a more final 'replacement' of the mother, however realistically there is no way of doing this - unless the OP is bitter enough to stop the son seeing his father totally (and you would need to have strong reasons to do that in court) and there is no suggestion that the OP is bitter, just hurt... then part of the reality of a divorce is that you can not control what the ex does with his / her children - they are parents they have a choice and a say in this as well...

Lilacpink40 Wed 31-Aug-16 14:13:08

I agree wholeheartedly with the posts that this is soul destroying, but there is no way to prevent it.

I was terrified that my DCs would like OW and want to spend more time with my cheating STBXH and OW and I'd lose everything.

It didn't happen. They don't like OW always being around. They don't get their dad's full attention. She's jeolous of them. She isn't me (I'm strict Mum BTW), they want me as their only mum.

You will never stop being your son's mum. Love him and know he loves you and let go of what happens when he's with your ex.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Wed 31-Aug-16 14:21:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeeNahh Wed 31-Aug-16 14:42:05

I think in cases like this is is best for the children that all the adults in their life care about them and are at least civil to each other. This might mean that adult egos have to be put aside. Being obstructive to the children forming a relationship with exes new partners hurts the children more than anyone else.

JustAnotherPoster00 Wed 31-Aug-16 15:37:42

Let him taking you to court, that'll take a year to drag through by which time you'll know if it's a lasting relationship or not. 5 months is too early

Wow just wow

Kungfupandaworksout16 Wed 31-Aug-16 16:07:25

It is crushing but there's not much you can do apart from hope your ex listens too your opinions and does it gradually. At five they pick up on things quite quickly so if your ex is neglecting his needs for the sake OW he will pick up on it and it will make him apprehensive to visit.
Once upon a time you was a package, but you're not now unless you deem her a danger there's nothing you can do.
I don't get some posters attitude he walked out on you and DC - he didn't walk away from DC he walked away from the marriage not his responsibilities of being a father. In years too come if you be the bigger person now, trust me your child will thank you - I say that as a product of two divorced parents and my father staying with the OW and my mum never once stopped it, my dad just put her above me and my siblings.

WannaBe Wed 31-Aug-16 16:11:44

Children pick up on bitterness far more than they are potentially affected by a new partner into a parent's life.

For those who say that there should be legal ways to prevent a parent introducing children to a new partner, that's all very well but relationship breakdowns are subjective. Yes, some relationships break down due to affairs however there are also sometimes issues within those relationships prior to the affair having happened etc. Equally sometimes one partner leaves the other for other reasons but there is still hurt on the part of the partner left behind. Should they have the right to dictate how and when children are introduced to new partners? Of course not.

LittleBeautyBelle Wed 31-Aug-16 16:15:39

akkakk, we're not talking about his friends he plays squash with, and you know it. We're talking about the ow he cheated with while he was married to op and he put the ow above his children and wife. Why should he get to introduce his cheating ow to his son? His son doesn't "need" to be thrust into that situation. It only benefits the cheating spouse, not the son no matter how you twist it, not the wife he cheated on. Having his cake and eating it too. He can have a fine relationship with his son without forcing in the ow. Why should the cheating spouse get to have it exactly how they want it with no consequences whatsoever?

The friends he works with, plays squash with or ping pong, the postman, the butcher, baker, the candlestick maker, fine, introduce them. The ow? I'm with op.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Wed 31-Aug-16 16:21:38

little
My father cheated with OW left the marriage when I was three, my mother never stopped me seeing him or OW. And guess what? My dad is still OW now twenty+ years on, my mother on the hand has had 1 failed marriage and 3 failed relationships. My father didn't get involved with my mothers business and she didn't with his. She gave him the option to be a father and he fucked up. My mother swallowed her pride and I'll always thank her for that.
Roles reversed - mother had an affair ex demands OM isn't allowed near child their would be streams of " your life " " you are with the child more " etc
Bitterness leads nowhere.

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