fed up of very selfish husband!

(94 Posts)
user1461609321 Sun 19-Jun-16 22:08:29

Hi everyone

Sorry for long post but please bear with me. As the title suggests really, I'm just feeling really fed up with my marriage at the moment and as though I have put my dreams etc on hold for my husband.

I am only 30 have two little girls and ever since I got married 10 years ago my husband has refused to work (bar one year) and instead insists on trying to build a business which to date is still not making any money!

To everyone else he appears successful eg his family live abroad where the business is based and he is constantly flying back and forth giving the impression that we have more money than we really do.

He travels every 6 weeks staying away between 6 weeks to 3 months at a time; leaving me to hold down a stressful full time job, do school runs across two different boroughs and care for the children!

I am splitting my pay in half to fund the business then using the other half of the money to pay all of the rent, and bills.

As he is not making any money, He doesn't contribute when kids need uniforms etc and yet portrays himself as living sacrificially for the family eg I am trying to build a business so that our lives can be better in the future

Due to me needing to make a high salary to pay for everything I have to locum and so don't get annual leave etc

I find him selfish and whilst he can be hands on with the kids when he is home, I am still doing the majority of everything in the house etc

We're currently living in a one bedroom property which is clearly too small for purpose which makes me feel like even more of a failure as I can't give my children the type of home they deserve despite the fact that if I were not funding the business then I would have more disposable income to choose a nicer place to live

I just feel incredibly resentful of him these days and fantasise about starting again on my own, only I am a Muslim and not wishing to split up my family as the girls are so attached to their father.

I get so jealous of SAHM's with a working husband as all I've ever wanted to do was take care of my children without so much additional stress.

My life just feels so difficult in comparison to that of other women I see and as my husband refuses to give up the business etc I am at a loss of what to do.

I know everyone makes sacrifices for their families, however right now it feels like for so long I've been the one making the most sacrifices and am pretty sure that my husband would not do the same for me if things were reversed.

Please advise and thank you for reading!

Bettydownthehall Sun 19-Jun-16 22:13:16

Have you tried discussing a time limit on how long he will persist with the business?

Is it just the business or does he have family members as employees?

Lovewineandchocs Sun 19-Jun-16 22:16:15

Why are you paying to fund the business? Don't! As you say, you will have much more disposable income if you stop. Long-term, look at whether you want to remain in this marriage. Your DCs can still have a lot of contact with their father, you don't have to remain in it for their sake, at the expense of your own happiness. Good luck flowers

PPie10 Sun 19-Jun-16 22:22:50

So why are you choosing to accept this? Just to keep your family together when and if he is around? He's swanning off for up to 3 months at a time and surely you should see something clearly wrong if he isn't bringing in money from these business trips.

OwlinaTree Sun 19-Jun-16 22:25:46

Tell him you are not going to be funding the business any more, he's clearly not getting anywhere.

Tell him he needs to get a job.

JayDot500 Sun 19-Jun-16 22:26:41

Have you previously tried to explain how you feel?

Does he actually believe his business will work out or is he just a little uninspired?

I'd be resentful, YANBU! It's time to do something about your marriage to promote change before you think of giving it up!

MrsSpecter Sun 19-Jun-16 22:28:10

Umm, are you sure of his reasons for staying away for 3 months at a time?

Crispbutty Sun 19-Jun-16 22:29:48

"He travels every 6 weeks staying away between 6 weeks to 3 months at a time; "

How does that work?

Crispbutty Sun 19-Jun-16 22:29:49

"He travels every 6 weeks staying away between 6 weeks to 3 months at a time; "

How does that work?

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos Sun 19-Jun-16 22:32:53

If I was you I'd be telling him next time to get a one way ticket and not bother coming back. The money that you save on his travel costs can go towards your family instead, and he can live off his self-employed income.

Werksallhourz Sun 19-Jun-16 22:33:55

I hate to say this, but going away every six weeks for months at a time for business that makes no money?

First thing I thought was that he has another family.

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos Sun 19-Jun-16 22:34:05

*"He travels every 6 weeks staying away between 6 weeks to 3 months at a time; "

How does that work?*

Good point! I read it as he's home for 6 weeks before he heads off again - but obviously thats not what was said.

gamerchick Sun 19-Jun-16 22:37:39

Give him a time limit to stop shelling out for his business and stick to it.

Does being a Muslim mean you have to pull yourself thin for a selfish fuckhead bleeding you dry?

Topseyt Sun 19-Jun-16 22:39:43

How can he be away for months at a time and still bring in no money? After all this time? What is he actually doing when he is away?

Sounds rather like taking the piss to me. Stop funding him.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Jun-16 22:39:55

Wait until he goes away then get yourself a full time permanent job and move house. Write him an email to tell him the gravy train has stopped.

Honestly, OP, you're your own worst enemy. He's been doing this for ten years. You should have pulled the plug ages ago.

CalleighDoodle Sun 19-Jun-16 22:43:48

I also assumed he had another family.
Stop funding the business.

Thelaundrylady Sun 19-Jun-16 22:46:40

What are. you getting from this relationship ? Kick the selfish prick to the kerb and stop funding his lifestyle ..

arethereanyleftatall Sun 19-Jun-16 22:50:52

Oh my goodness, this is a ridiculous situation.

Stop funding him, immediately!

A business that's taken half your salary, for nine years, and returned nothing?!? Are you sure?

What is his business?

arethereanyleftatall Sun 19-Jun-16 22:54:37

Actually I can't believe this. Not you, I don't mean that, I just can't fathom how it would be acceptable to let this go on for 9 years. Why didn't you say no 8 years ago? It wouldn't mean that you have to split up, just that he has to get a normal job so that you don't have 4 people living in one room. How on earth has he justified it?

KamMum Sun 19-Jun-16 22:58:23

I think its time you stopped funding his 'business' and take care of yourself and your children. Its not fair on you or them. Your DH has gotten used to this lifestyle and it does sound like he has another family.

Kiwiinkits Sun 19-Jun-16 22:59:18

This set-up sounds dodgy. Are you sure he's not using your money to finance another family in this other country?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 19-Jun-16 22:59:35

Stop funding the business.

After 9 years (?), he will have lots of evidence of the likely future profitability of the business. He can get proper funding from a proper business partner.

How much evidence of this business's spending have you seen. How much of it do you own? You see the accounts, yes?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Sun 19-Jun-16 23:01:11

I thought other family too I'm afraid OP. But even if not, it's still inexcusable that you're funding his business that never makes any money. Stop doing that, right now, and see what happens.

Oliviaerinpope Sun 19-Jun-16 23:05:24

Your salary is yours, keep it in your own bank account and do not pay another penny towards his flights!

If it were me, I'd set up a new bank account, no paper trail to the house (the bank will organise this for you if you indicate that you can't keep your details private at home) and have your locum salary paid into this account. You can pay money (less money) into your joint account, tell him that agency can only find lower paying positions/ are adding a charge to pay into bank. Either way, stop funding his lifestyle and use your money for you and your girls.

Good luck flowers

TheHobbitMum Sun 19-Jun-16 23:07:51

You have to stop funding his other life! He's being a first class prick and your letting him get away with it. Email him to say the gravy train has stopped, get a full time job and kick him out! He's using you and you deserve better

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