AIBU to not want to talk about finances with anyone?

(29 Posts)
Mumtogremlins Sun 19-Jun-16 21:54:18

Just had an argument with DS. We never talk about our income or any of our family finances with anyone at all. He's just told his mother about some income we get and how much. I asked him if he could not talk about exact amounts as there was no need to tell her, and could he respect that I feel that way. He went mad at me and said I'd never said he couldn't say anything. He has this relationship with his mother where she's like the Spanish Inquisition and he then has verbal diarrhoea! Am I being unreasonable in not wanting him to talk about finances when we never have before?

AnyFucker Sun 19-Jun-16 21:55:33

I never talk about my finances with anyone except DH

if he did, I would think he had taken leave of his senses

YANBU

RedSoloCup Sun 19-Jun-16 21:56:58

Confused if DS is son aren't you his mother?

Just5minswithDacre Sun 19-Jun-16 21:57:11

Your son has two mothers and you're separated?

Mumtogremlins Sun 19-Jun-16 22:04:10

Ha ha, meant DH!

Just5minswithDacre Sun 19-Jun-16 22:10:07

Oh! That's tricky. Does he normally tell his mother lots of personal things or is it an aberration?

itsbetterthanabox Sun 19-Jun-16 22:11:15

Yabu. He can talk to his mother about money.
Secrecy about money and wage is what continues to allow inequality and discrimination.

darceybussell Sun 19-Jun-16 22:14:38

I don't like it either OP! DH tells his mum things about our finances sometimes and she's so indiscreet that before we know it the whole bloody family knows! I get so cross with him but he just doesn't understand and thinks I'm weird.

Arfarfanarf Sun 19-Jun-16 22:15:06

How would he feel if you shared that information with your mother?
Is it that he doesnt share you view on keeping it completely private or is he a hypocrite?

Scribblegirl Sun 19-Jun-16 22:19:34

I'm really not bothered about it, but if he previously knew your feelings on the matter he is BU. To be honest this sounds like a wider issue with her dominance over him?

anaa1 Sun 19-Jun-16 22:24:59

I think yabu. I've never understood why people don't like to talk about money. It seems no different to me than people knowing what your job is, or discussing your plans for wallpaper in the hall or something. But perhaps that is because I've never had much of the stuff!!

Mumtogremlins Sun 19-Jun-16 22:25:23

He doesn't tell her much but she likes to ask, and sometimes he just says stuff. He's been conditioned since young to answer all questions! He just doesn't understand why I'm annoyed and won't respect that I feel that way. If it was the other way round, I'd respect his feelings on something that should be 50/50 in a marriage. I never tell my parents anything and I wouldn't if asked

Mumtogremlins Sun 19-Jun-16 22:27:45

Re talking about money, I find it just causes people to judge. If I had none, I wouldn't want to talk about it either. It's not that we have loads, I just don't see the need to discuss it. Like I don't say how much something cost either, in case people comment one way or another. Easier just not inviting comment!

Mumtogremlins Sun 19-Jun-16 22:31:38

The income in question is my DSs DLA money so no ones business but ours

Out2pasture Sun 19-Jun-16 22:32:37

financial health means you DO talk about finances. it means you discuss what has worked in other family situations and what might work in yours.
you make it sound like your income is dodgy...panama dodgy

Mumtogremlins Sun 19-Jun-16 22:34:02

DDs DLA - getting all mixed up tonight!

SaveSomeSpendSome Sun 19-Jun-16 22:39:13

I agree op!

I hate talking money with people that know me. I avoid any questioning about how much i paid for something etc etc it just brings out bitterness and jealousy in people.

I dont like people knowing my business. We have recently employed my BIL and dh wanted him to do the accounts and prepare them ready for the accountant. I ve said no to this as i dont want BIL knowing how much im paid from the business as its bloody private!

practy Sun 19-Jun-16 22:42:01

YABU.

Up to you if you do not want to talk to anyone about money. But you can not insist your DH does the same.

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 19-Jun-16 22:43:00

I wouldn't want my OH telling me what I could/couldn't discuss with my parents, tbh. I don't think money should be this massive secret, whether you have millions or pennies to your name.

People will judge you regardless of whether you tell them your income or not. I don't care if people know how much I earn.

BirdInTheRoom Sun 19-Jun-16 23:03:14

Very weird responses on this thread.

Financial matters that don't concern anyone else should be kept private unless by prior agreement from all those directly involved. Ditto anything else personal/sensitive.

practy Sun 19-Jun-16 23:16:26

The issue here though is OP trying to dictate what her DH talks about with his own parents.
Some people are happy to talk about finances, some are not, both are fine. But I would not be happy to be told by my DP that I could not talk about aspects of my life with my own parents.

Mumtogremlins Mon 20-Jun-16 07:20:13

As finances are part of our marriage, I don't see it's anyone's business. If it had been the other way round, I would respect the fact that he didn't want me to tell anyone, even if I didn't agree with it. We are both quite private and he's not particularly close to his mother anyway,

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 20-Jun-16 07:46:45

So if you were upset about something and wanted advice from your mum, would you be okay if he banned you from speaking to her about it? confused

Bambamrubblesmum Mon 20-Jun-16 08:02:49

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable dictating to my DH what he can and can't say to his parents. He's an adult and can make up his own mind. Controlling relationships go both ways.

That said I come from a family where we openly discuss money, investment ideas, property, wills, everything really. We also borrow and lend within the family so kind of operate our own financing systems. I've grown up with this approach and have learnt financial planning from an early age. It's been invaluable and has helped me numerous times. This is how I will bring up my kids. My DH came from the opposite environment and nobody talked about money at all. He told me the other day he'd learnt so much from my lot that he never knew before and is now an enthusiastic joiner in.

Horses for courses. I guess it depends on why it's being talked about.

Mumtogremlins Mon 20-Jun-16 08:31:00

The point is he wasn't upset by it, it just came up in conversation when she was quizzing him about it, it wasn't even necessary to talk about it. He would never speak to her if he was upset by something. I also rarely talk to my parents about my marriage as we sort things between us and we are both happy with that.

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