Fair-weather friend

[pepsioracle]

I had my second DC six months ago. Me and DH have been feeling a bit isolated this year as we moved house to a new area. One of my friends - with whom I've always had a friendship that blows hot and cold - hasn't bothered her ass coming to see me or the new baby. She lives about 10 minutes' drive away from our new house. I have been pissed off with her for a while, to be honest - she'll cancel on me at the last minute or only want to do things on her terms. I suppose I've given her the benefit of the doubt repeatedly in the past, but now it's staring me in the face that she's probably as fair-weather as they come. We're part of a bigger friendship group (also strained/splintered since DH and I moved) and when I do see her, I enjoy her company, but frankly, she doesn't partake in the reciprocal kindnesses you'd expect of a normal friendship. After five months of virtual silence (apart from a cursory baby congratulations text), she's just texted me to say she's keen to meet up and see the new baby, six months later. Should I tell her to get lost and why I feel that why? Or should I try to patch things up? We've been here before, but this time, I'm offended that she's made no effort to meet my new DC, let alone barely see or support me during my pregnancy. I hate to draw a line under friendship, but feel like she's giving me no choice.

[greengreenten]

I guess this can be seen in a number of ways. I totally see your point and it must seem hurtful.

The flip side is that she's very laid back, it's all unintentional and she loves you really....just in her own way.

I would meet up, on your own terms (time and place) and see how it goes. Don't put any pressure on the relationship and see how you feel. It may be worth bothering with or maybe moving on and making new friends in your new area.

[greengreenten]

Ps. Just guessing at the flip side. I'm realising as I get older that there are always two sides to each story

[Mouikey]

I think your being somewhat unreasonable, you haven't mentioned her situation at all. Sadly as we get older our priorities change, it sometimes means that you don't have the time to see certain friends, but when you do it's like nothing has changed. I have many friends like this and whilst I'm sad I don't see them more often I know they are in my life and will be there for me if needed.

You enjoy her company but are expecting her to come see you... Have you not said you could go visit her (it's only a 10 minute drive!)?

have you actually spoken to her about it?

[Angrybird234]

To echo PPs, have you spoken to her about it, or in general? How do you know she hasn't had stuff going on? Yes some people are selfish and self-centred but if you've been stewing that she hasn't bothered with you without trying to find out why then YABU to expect her to drop everything just because you've had a baby.

Take up her offer of meeting up but do it on your terms, if she agrees then flakes out on you, don't bother and find some new friends.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I think yabu.
She might be really busy with loads of friends, anything really. I have many good friends that I only get a chance to see annually for various reasons.

[pepsioracle]

Thanks Greengreenten - sound advice. The two sides point is a good one. Mouikey - you're right about priorities changing and life moving on. I suppose this situation is bringing to light bigger issues of trust in the friendship. Some folk have loads of stuff going down in their lives but still manage to make time to see their friends, because they want to.

[Mouikey]

It's not always that easy though, sometimes it's better to accept a change in the friendship to keep that person in your life - if you think they are worth keeping!

[pepsioracle]

Yes - the only constant is change! Feel clearer about the situation already thanks.

[arethereanyleftatall]

A good friend of mine Is still friends with her friends from school, her friends from uni, her work mates, her nct friends, her family, her neighbours, her school mum friends. About 70 friends all who she'd happily go on holiday with. She's very sociable but still only sees the majority annually.
Doesn't mean she likes them any less.

[cupofrooibos]

It seems like the two of you may have different ideas / models of what friendship should look like, both of which are absolutely fine in and of themselves but may not be particularly compatible. She's not meaning to hurt you, but the differences might have been exacerbated by your relocation and new baby (congratulations! ) which is bound to bring a new perspective. Hope you come to some sort of resolution, whatever you decide - changes in established friendships can be tough to deal with.

[pepsioracle]

Good example arethereanyleftatall, and I know what you're saying! Some friendships stay tight no matter how often you meet up, whereas others diminish because you don't. I'm still trying to figure out which category this one belongs to. And have been for a while.

[pepsioracle]

I think you've hit the nail on the head exactly, cupofrooibos. And thanks for your congrats We do expect different things of friendship. My friend is someone by her own admission who hasn't had many successful female friendships in the past: I'm not sure exactly why. Things are also different in general socially because we've moved, even though this is tough to admit! I think the next step has to involve open discussion if the friendship is to last.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

I'm not a particularly involved sort of friend, and if a friend expected me to see more of them because they'd moved closer they'd be disappointed. It's because I'm introverted and prefer my own company, not because I like them any less.