To want nothing more to do with mil if she keeps saying this?

(99 Posts)
Throughautomaticdoors Sun 19-Jun-16 20:13:39

NC as identifying details...

Firstly let me start by saying dh's dad - I will call him Mike - died around a year ago. Of course MiL was understandably very upset and was worried about Christmas last year. Dh is part of a very large family - three siblings, eight nieces and nephews, four great nieces and nephews and MiL also has two brothers and two sisters on the doorstep. We arranged to all have Christmas lunch with her this year at a pub and BiL said she could stop with them a few nights if she wanted. All the family is within about ten mins of her house except us, we are about half an hour away, so she never would have had Christmas on her own.

Anyway my dc2 was due mid February but after a difficult pregnancy and most of December in hospital she arrived seven weeks early on Christmas Eve. She was quite poorly when she was born. She couldn't breathe for herself and was in neonatal intensive care. I was also unwell after a c section and we were both in hospital for nearly three weeks. During this time dh and dc1 went and stopped the whole time with MiL so MiL got to give dc1 all the gifts id so carefully chosen and do the stocking for him etc

Not long after we were discharged MiL said to me how glad she was that she hadn't had to have Christmas on her own and how she'd been telling everyone how Mike had sent dd early specially for her so that she'd had a lovely Christmas with dc1 and dh. I was really hurt and upset but let it go that first time although I told dh who did the usual 'she doesn't mean it, she's just upset about dad etc.'
Fast forward to a family event a couple of months later and she called me over with dd to introduce me to someone. And she said it again.
'I tell everyone Mike sent the baby early so I didn't have Christmas on my own and got to play Santa. Luckily the baby was really ill so I got to have them for ages! You should have seen the baby, she had wires down her throat, down her nose, in her hands, everywhere!' At which point I knew I was going to start crying so walked off.

And she said it again today. After asking if dd would be 'backwards' as she was prem. she then said 'oh 7 weeks is nothing anyway.' I explained how actually yes, it made a difference and then she said 'anyway I was pleased she was early, I think Mike sent her so I got to have a wonderful Christmas with ds and dh, oh I was glad.'

At which point I could stand it no longer and said 'you might have had a lovely Christmas but I had Christmas on my own, recovering from a c section and a blood transfusion whilst my baby was on a ventilator and I wasn't even well enough to see her for 49 hours.' MiL then said 'she's ok now though isn't she, so it all worked out for the best.' I told her I'd appreciate her not saying how glad she was dd was early again and how Mike supposedly sent her as it was extremely hurtful. I'm really upset. Not least because since having dd I've had awful PND and it has ruined the first 6 months of her life. It was not as easy as oh she's ok now so it's like it never happened.

When we got home I said to dh if MiL makes those remarks again I want nothing more to do with her. This is not an isolated incident but it is the incident which has upset me the most. It is singularly the most selfish thing I think I've ever heard anyone say. She wasn't even going to be on her own at Christmas anyway! I however was separated from my older child, in a hospital room on my own, in a lot of pain and fraught with worry over my dd. dh and ds went to lunch with MiL as originally planned.

Aibu? I actually cant think about it without feeling upset and really really angry. I don't get angry often but this has got me so annoyed it makes my heart race!

ProcrastinatorGeneral Sun 19-Jun-16 20:17:01

I remember another thread where you posted about her horrid words.

I think she's had enough chances to be fair. I'd draw a line now and never see her again.

Mouikey Sun 19-Jun-16 20:17:04

YANBU and you have put her on notice... all good and all adult. She does it again, you have to stand by it x

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Sun 19-Jun-16 20:17:10

YANBU flowers

WindTheFrog Sun 19-Jun-16 20:18:58

If it's the first time you've said its hurt you give her a chance to do as you ask. You aren't bu in being hurt and I understand where you are coming from but she may not be aware of the effect it's having on you.

Caffeinator Sun 19-Jun-16 20:20:31

YADNBU flowers9

ccsays Sun 19-Jun-16 20:20:31

Your husband really needs to stop being such a coward and shut her down. Yanbu, but he should have knocked that on the head the first time she said it.

Caffeinator Sun 19-Jun-16 20:20:48

Don't know where that 9 came from

GissASquizz Sun 19-Jun-16 20:22:08

Yanbu. She needs to think before making it all about her.

Vickyyyy Sun 19-Jun-16 20:22:47

You are not being unreasonable at all. What a dreadfully selfish woman she sounds. I think you have been beyond patient with someone saying such selfish things about such a horrible time and honestly, I doubt I could have held it together for so long, the first comment like that I would have blown big time.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 19-Jun-16 20:24:40

It is DHs job to tell her to shut up.

"I don't think Mike would have been so cruel DM. He wouldn't hurt a baby and mother for the sake of a few presents.'

If she ever says that in front of people, do not walk away to cry, cry right there in front of them.

Caffeinator Sun 19-Jun-16 20:26:19

I completely agree with RunRabbitRunRabbit

PNGirl Sun 19-Jun-16 20:27:07

I can't stand people who are obsessed with bloody Christmas and who spends what where. It is no different to you saying that you would be glad if she was in hospital next Christmas so could spend it with your husband and kids without her.

Yanbu

She's insensitive, is she like this over other things too?

RabbitSaysWoof Sun 19-Jun-16 20:27:27

YADNBU. Your dh should back you up on this.

queenMab99 Sun 19-Jun-16 20:27:33

It is OK to look for the silver lining when life goes badly, but not to someone elses detriment, she is taking her Pollyanna attitude too far. How would she feel if you said it was a good job her husband died as it left her free to look after your dh and ds, she just sounds very self centred to an extreme degree, and tactless, perhaps now you have pointed out clearly how upsetting this is, she will stop.

DeathStare Sun 19-Jun-16 20:27:51

Next time she says it I'd just reply saying:
"Oh no Mike would never do that. Mike was a lovely man who loved his grandchildren. He would never put his grandchild in danger like that and would have been devastated to know how dangerously ill both she and I were. I'm sure he'd be very upset to hear you saying such mean things about him."

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 19-Jun-16 20:31:52

Was Mike a twat? ( God bless his soul).

Sighing Sun 19-Jun-16 20:35:07

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Throughautomaticdoors Sun 19-Jun-16 20:35:17

Yes she is extremely self centred generally.

I can see how she'd be pleased in a way to have someone there but don't keep saying it! If she'd said 'it was nice having someone else here' then that would've been fine. It's the whole divine intervention, Mike sent the baby thing. I can't bear it. As though she's so special that something supernatural intervened.

It makes me have zero sympathy with her and generally not feel like putting myself out in anyway to help her.

Throughautomaticdoors Sun 19-Jun-16 20:35:36

And I don't like feeling like that because then I feel mean myself

Throughautomaticdoors Sun 19-Jun-16 20:35:58

It isn't a duplicate thread? It did happen today!

wrapsuperstar Sun 19-Jun-16 20:39:17

Heard lots about your horrible MIL -- past time you just stopped seeing her. I hope your husband is treating you and the kids better now by the way. flowers

DoreenLethal Sun 19-Jun-16 20:39:24

Jesus - some people are so up themselves!

I would want an apology before having anything to do with her again. What a complete bitch.

Itscurtainsforyou Sun 19-Jun-16 20:41:58

As someone who's had a baby on NICU I know how stressful it is. You are so not being unreasonable and were quite right to tackle her about it. I hope your Dh supports you.

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