To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

[branofthemist]

Why would you get her perfume but not the one she wants?

Personally I would rather get my kids stuff they want. Getting them stuff I want is pointless, imo.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

She sounds spoilt. Did she expect it to work like a shopping list?
Also - designer underwear? At 14?

[branofthemist]

And my kids so r get everything they ask for. But what they get comes from what they asked for.

[icklekid]

she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas

I don't think it is a case of wanting more but definitely a case of why ask if you are not going to pay attention. She would probably have preferred less of the stuff she actually wanted then more of the stuff you think she should want.

If you want to choose that's fine as she doesn't have any expectations then!

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

She got the perfume she asked for and underwear from a brand she wanted

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Do none of you think some birthday gifts should be a surprise?

[MrsJayy]

Its all very well and good them hankering after designer this and that but that was quite the list she gave you and you did get her the perfume she asked for you asked for ideas ideas are never certainties (sp) Dont feel bad

[BertrandRussell]

Did you spend the same amount of money as you would have on what she actually wanted? If so- that seems a bit bonkers, sorry. If not, then I would have warned her that there wasn't the money for all the things she wanted.

[PenelopePitstops]

Argh my nan does this, asks what you want and doesn't buy you it!! What's the point? If you're going to ask, listen to the answer and if you're going to buy random shite dont bother asking!

[HicDraconis]

I think YWBU - she's old enough to have her own tastes, likes and dislikes. I would wonder why you bothered asking for ideas if you were going to get things you think she should like rather than things she has told you she likes! Yes you have a choice and I know I'm probably cross posting with 10 other people who will say she's lucky to have a loving parent to buy her anything for her birthday etc etc.

But you asked, she told you and then you ignored her tastes in favour of what you wanted to buy. I'd be disappointed too. You didn't have to get her everything she's asked for, but would it have been so bad to get one piece of underwear that she requested? Or one decent lipstick? Next time if you're not going to think her preferences are worth spending money on, don't bother asking.

[branofthemist]

Sorry I mis read. You did get the perfume she wanted.

[Gardencentregroupie]

OP I cannot understand your attitude. "What do you want for your birthday?" "X y and z". "Tough you're not getting it." What's the point? And she's clearly not spoilt - she didn't demand things she was asked, and has tried to look pleased with things she doesn't want when she had cause to expect some things she did want.

[PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass]

Seems like a pointless exercise and a good way to waste money.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

You asked her what she would like, she told you, then you bought different things.

In future you probably shouldn't ask if you are going to buy what you want rather than what she wants.

[branofthemist]

And yes if she wanted expensive stuff, I would have just bought less.

We have a budget for the kids want expensive stuff, they get less gifts. That's their decision.

[TheNaze73]

I don't understand why you'd ask her & then not get what she wants?? If it's going to be a surprise, then don't ask her, if you're asking what she wants & then don't get it, you're setting yourself up to fail. Hope she has a nice birthday OP

[titchy]

Yeah agree sorry. She may have expensive taste, in which case manage her expectations, but if you ask her a question then ignore the answer that's pretty crap.

So next year ask her for a list but remind her you have a limited budget so she won't get everything on the list. But buy from said list. Not something you think is more appropriate.

[MsJamieFraser]

my opinion is why ask her what she would like, then to not buy her what she asked for.

I personally think you had set the expectation for heretofore disappointed and I personally don't think she's being unreasonable.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

If your budget is say, £100 surely it makes more sense to spend it on stuff she wants?!

It's a bit pointless to ask her, and then decide she can't have it for an arbitrary reason, tbh. If she wants it and it's age-appropriate and affordable, why wouldn't you get her what she wants?

It's better than spending your money on stuff she won't use.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Fucking hell you lot
The girls asked for loads of expensive stuff
The mum bought her a couple of expensive things from her list and a couple of extra things she thought she would like, and the mum is somehow wrong?
Do you realise how entitled your kids are going to be if this is how you raise them?

[SoupDragon]

Why ask what she would like if you are then going to ignore it?

She doesn't sound spoilt, just disappointed that you had asked what she wanted and then bought what you wanted to buy.

Mine still get surprises but if there's stuff they've asked for, I'll usually get it unless it is wildly inappropriate.

[goose1964]

it depends on what she asked for , if the stuff she asked for is more than you can afford then no. we always have a set budget for birthdays & christmas and if they wanted something expensive they would get less presents or they could combine christmas & birthday & get a nominal birthday present. Today when they're all grown up we have problems getting them to asked for more than anything over £20

[Melonrunner]

I feel a little sorry for her to be honest. You asked her what she wanted, she didn't demand. If I had X budget I would get her things I could afford from that even if it meant she has less gifts overall. She's been very polite and graciously accepted your gifts. I don't see anything wrong with what she asked for. If you were buying underwear why not get the one she wanted?

[Savagebeauty]

By "designer" underwear do you mean Hollister or Jack Wills?
Why didn't you just set a budget and tell her to come up with items within that price range?
Why buy her things she didn't want?

[SoupDragon]

The mum bought her a couple of expensive things from her list

One.