DD return from University

(348 Posts)
user1465822474 Mon 13-Jun-16 14:35:39

Only DD returned from Uni last week, skint. No sign of any summer job on the horizon (hinting will have the opposite effect to encouragement I fear), expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine). AIBU to ask her to pay for her own food? She's got an extremely healthy appetite and certainly hasn't starved when at Uni- her diet has been way better than ours actually. Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this- or any luxuries. My only one is a quarterly trip to the hygienist for a tooth polish but now I'm feeling guilty about that as DD says she's in real need of one too but can't afford it. Can feel resentment building up at same rate as bank account getting depleted (and we have until October of this, potentially). Don't want to upset her but not sure how best to approach the conversation we'll need to have pretty soon.

scarednoob Mon 13-Jun-16 14:42:38

YWNBU if you just told her outright to get a job! my parents did (in fact I was only 15 when my dad made me start working for him at weekends and on school holidays) and they weren't hard up at all. it did me the world of good, realising that people were dependent on me and I had to get up when the alarm clock went off, whether I felt like it or not.

and it meant I went to university each term with a black bank account, not a red one (still managed to come out at the end with a VERY red one though...).

katemiddletonsnudeheels Mon 13-Jun-16 14:45:25

Blimey - has she actually graduated?

I appreciate it's difficult on a low income, but it's really hard to get temporary jobs these days. It's not as it was when we were young and it was green fields round here where you could pick up a job behind a bar or in an ice cream kiosk easily enough.

budgiegirl Mon 13-Jun-16 14:46:25

Don't want to upset her

Why do you think she will be upset? What do you think she will do if she is upset? Just tell her to get a job, things are tight and you all need to pull together!

toffeenose Mon 13-Jun-16 14:47:12

We have the same situation here so I can understand, but what comes at me from your post is that you are walking on eggshells a bit around her, worried 'what she'll say' if you put your foot down.

Just set out your stall, tell her what you are prepared to do and repeat. Don't let her guilt-trip you into thinking because you bought yourself something with your hard-earned cash she is entitled to it too, despite being an adult.

VioletBam Mon 13-Jun-16 14:47:25

I think you're going to have to help her to get a job...ask around...post on Facebook....but don't be bitter about her eating. She's still a kid really.

Floggingmolly Mon 13-Jun-16 14:47:59

How on earth did you manage to feed her before she left home?? I can't believe your food budget suddenly won't stretch just because she's technically left home, albeit temporarily.

titchy Mon 13-Jun-16 14:49:19

They probably had CB for her floggin.....

titchy Mon 13-Jun-16 14:49:54

But yes stop tiptoeing around and tell her to get a summer job.

whois Mon 13-Jun-16 14:51:27

You can let her know that money is really tight and it would really help if she got a job.

If hope you could feed everyone on super cheap food though until she goes back?

budgiegirl Mon 13-Jun-16 14:52:19

but it's really hard to get temporary jobs these days

Probably true, but she could at least try to find something

OurBlanche Mon 13-Jun-16 14:53:54

Well... she is an adult, stop treatingher like a child... tell her you can't afford to keep he, she must contribute to the family coffers.

It boils down to money: if yiuy can't afford to keep her then you can't afford to keep her. No amount of "It's not fair" or "Oh, it's so hard to get atemporary job" is going to put an extra amount of cash in you hand.

- and temp jobs are easy to get. The problem is they are rarely convenient!

coco1810 Mon 13-Jun-16 14:56:03

Just tell her straight, you need to get a summer job! My eldest DC is 12 and he knows as soon as he is old enough he will have to get a part time job. That's not meanness, that's us teaching him that if he wants nice stuff he's going to have to work for it.

katemiddletonsnudeheels Mon 13-Jun-16 14:57:38

Oh definitely, but you can get into a standoff without realising.

My mum and dad were the same. They had it very firmly in their heads that 14 year olds worked in part time jobs because they all did when they were at school. I remember being dragged around a shopping arcade by my dad being made to ask if any jobs were going blush of course there weren't!

There's a massive difference between 14 and 19 of course.

I think you would not be unreasonable to refuse her the food she wants but to actually not feed her at all? shock V unreasonable!

prettywhiteguitar Mon 13-Jun-16 14:58:34

Gardening is a good temporary job

katemiddletonsnudeheels Mon 13-Jun-16 14:58:56

Another little story if you like is that I always had to work when home from holidays, fine, but it was relentless and constant.

I nearly failed my second year because I was exhausted.

In my third year I didn't work because I realised that my degree was more important.

Princecharlesfirstwife Mon 13-Jun-16 15:01:45

Eldest dc returned from first year at uni a couple of weeks ago. I'm not that keen on upsetting him either, so out of the kindness of my heart i drove him to his job interview. He's now working approx 5 days a week at the local DIY warehouse. Can't say he wouldn't rather be sitting on his backside drinking beer with his friends but the £800 a month he'll be earning is a bit of an incentive.

PoshPenny Mon 13-Jun-16 15:02:24

You need to sit down with her and have a full and frank discussion about the family financial situation and that you really really need her to find a job. I hope you're chasing your debtors too by the way, so many people think it's ok to pay late without A thought to the possible consequences caused to a small business by doing so angry

ReginaTheVelociraptor Mon 13-Jun-16 15:05:38

She can claim JSA while she's out of university for the summer. That's £70 a week to feed herself if all of her overheads are covered.

ElinorRigby Mon 13-Jun-16 15:06:48

I suppose the question would be whether you did a budget before she went to university, - and if the question of whether any allowance you gave her was expected to cover the summer months was raised.

Perhaps what is needed is an honest discussion about your own finances, and that if she doesn't get a job, the food is going to be very plain and there is absolutely no money available to give her for treats, nights outs etc.

It's also worth pointing out that any job she does get is going to look good on her CV and put her in a better situation when she graduates.

Princecharlesfirstwife Mon 13-Jun-16 15:07:12

err, a student can't claim JSA in the holidays.

MsRinky Mon 13-Jun-16 15:08:15

Students haven't been able to claim JSA in the summer for at least 25 years.

Orac Mon 13-Jun-16 15:08:32

You begrudge her food??
Perhaps she will get the message and not come home in future.
Does she get the maximum loan because you have a low income? If her loan is reduced because of your income then presumably you top it up while she is there?

This was quoted on another thread....
I think we should coddle them all while we can, life is short and I want mine to think of home as a place of unconditional love, safety, chats and belly laughs, dry towels and a full fridge

blueskyinmarch Mon 13-Jun-16 15:09:36

Lol at claiming JSA. Students can't claim benefits. She need to get her ass into gear and start looking for a job. Bar and waitress work or cleaning at a hotel/B&B are all great seasonal jobs.

Alanna1 Mon 13-Jun-16 15:09:40

Of course she should get a job (although I think you have to feed her whilst she's at yours!). If she tries and can't find out that's different. I had a job for much of every summer at university, partly because I had too as my parents couldn't afford for me not too, partly as it gave me some spending money - and it stood me in good stead for getting a real job when I left university. I found I got my jobs through asking friends of friends of friends if they knew anyone I could help - the attempts to get taken on at Sainsburys/Morissons et al were all refused - and the temping agencies of west London (I don't live there, but there were more jobs that side of London).

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