AIBU considering putting stop to potential new relationship?

(41 Posts)
Summerisdone Mon 13-Jun-16 13:42:26

I've recently started seeing somebody and things have been going quite well. He seems nice and is quite a laugh, which is important to me. We've been on a handful of dates and we message a lot too, but it is still only early days.
We went out at the weekend and everything went well, then afterwards I agreed to stay over at his for the first time. We had sex and it was quite frankly disappointing. I tried to gently suggesting trying a few different things but he insisted that he only likes missionary ( which I'm usually ok with), but it was just so boring and felt like nothing was happening.
Am I being an absolute bitch and rather petty for considering putting a stop to this potential new relationship because of bad sex? I am feeling quite awful for thinking this way, but at the same if things became quite serious with us then I'd have to deal with faking all orgasms from here on out.
AIBU about it?

PS I've name changed just for this post

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Mon 13-Jun-16 13:44:37

No you're not.

KinkyAfro Mon 13-Jun-16 13:46:58

If you have to fake it your first time and he wasn't open to suggestions, it's only going to get worse (if that's possible). YANBU

DraenorQueen Mon 13-Jun-16 13:47:08

YANBU at all.

Geordiegirl79 Mon 13-Jun-16 13:47:25

If you don't feel that physical click / spark and are feeling like this so early in the relationship, it seems like it's perhaps not the right match for you. It's not a trivial or petty thing.

On the other hand, if you're very fond of him, maybe that side of things will develop as you get to know each other more?

Sorry, that wasn't massively helpful, was it.

StarlingMurmuration Mon 13-Jun-16 13:49:35

No, really NBU. It's sad when everything else seems to work, but you have to have chemistry, or you might as well just be looking for a roommate.

Scribblegirl Mon 13-Jun-16 13:51:25

I think 'not out of this world' is worth sticking out - many of my best relationships have started a bit 'meh' in bed and gone on to be amazing!

But actually bad? That's a different kettle of fish. It's not petty and you are entitled to end a relationship for whatever reason you like. It's important!

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 13-Jun-16 13:51:34

YANBU OP. End it.

Paulat2112 Mon 13-Jun-16 13:53:31

Yanbu. If he seemed open to trying new things then I think there could be a chance but the fact he wasnt willing would put a stop for me.

Summerisdone Mon 13-Jun-16 13:55:17

I'm glad people agree with me, I've been feeling quite bad for thinking like this for the past couple of days, but I think it's an important thing to factor into a new relationship, even if he is really quite nice and we seem to get in in every other way.
I may just tell him that I don't think I'm ready for a committed relationship right now, but wouldn't rule out a friendship with him.

expatinscotland Mon 13-Jun-16 13:55:41

You have to ask?! Get rid NOW. 'This isn't working for me so it's time for me to move on. Best of luck to you, Summerisdone.' Then block/delete. Life is far too short for this.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead Mon 13-Jun-16 13:56:41

Yanbu mainly cause he wasn't open to suggestions to improve things... Surely anyone should want sex to be as good as possible for both of you?

Scribblegirl Mon 13-Jun-16 13:58:01

You're not mean OP. In a lot of ways, mean would be denying him the opportunity to be with someone with whom he's more sexually compatible!

Energumene Mon 13-Jun-16 14:04:54

I wouldn't tell him you're not ready for a committed relationship, because that just leaves the door open, especially if you want to stay friends.

I'd try and have an honest conversation with him, outside of the bedroom, and explain that while he may previously have only liked missionary, it's not that great for you, no matter who your partner is. Ask if he is prepared to be open to trying new things and exploring each other's bodies - you're not asking him to join fetlife, just to be as generous in bed as he seems to be in other aspects of his personality. It was your first time together, so I'd try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

That said, if he's not prepared to even try, of course you should finish things. Life is too short for selfish lovers.

VestalVirgin Mon 13-Jun-16 14:14:55

Surely anyone should want sex to be as good as possible for both of you?

This.
I would suspect that he is not very altruistic in other aspects of his personality as well.

If you had suggested anal or something like that, I would buy that he genuinely would not enjoy it, but refusing to try anything but missionary position seems to me like he's testing your willingness to put up with egoism.

eatsleephockeyrepeat Mon 13-Jun-16 14:27:31

I don't think you're being a bitch at all.

BUT - I don't think you can tell anything much of value from the first time sleeping with someone. I'm genuinely surprised anyone has fun the first time; bodies respond so differently from one person to the next; it takes a while sometimes to figure out the controls - although of course you get lucky sometimes. Not to mention the "one nighters" I wish I could revisit and do over just because I cringe whenever I think someone out there has those memories and I'll never get to set the record straight!

Granted he outright told you he's missionary all the way, but if he were going to open up and try new things I can see why it wouldn't be on the first occasion with a new partner. If I were in his position with his limited experience I don't think I'd be choosing those circumstances to branch out. I think I'd need to know and trust someone much more before beginning that journey of self-discovery...

You're not in any way obliged to go on that journey with him - hell no - but I'm assuming you slept with him because you kinda like him, no? I think it's probably worth a conversation and perhaps a do-over (if you feel so inclined). Obviously up to you though.

Summerisdone Mon 13-Jun-16 14:36:22

*H*^*e's testing your willingness to put up with egoism.*^

In fairness I didn't get that feeling, it was more like he thought I was trying to make suggestions for his benefit, I don't think he realised it was because I wasn't enjoying myself.
Also I did consider being honest with him, but when it's our first time together and I've only been dating him for a few weeks I just didn't feel confident enough to do so, perhaps if we'd been together a while then I'd probably be more open with him about it, but so early on I'm just afraid of hurting his ego and making him feel shitty and over conscious with myself or anybody else in the future. I also don't know if I could be honest with him after I faked it the other night, and when he text me last night to tell me how great it was for him, I didn't know what else to say but agree confused

expatinscotland Mon 13-Jun-16 15:04:09

Dear god! Shit sex, only wants missionary. He's an adult, not a puppy. It's not your job or responsibility to change him, make him open up, take him on as a project, etc. There's no chemistry. He is shite in bed. You barely know him. You just text, 'This isn't working for me so it's time for me to move on. Wishing you the best, x' and then you find someone you're more compatible with.

mygorgeousmilo Mon 13-Jun-16 15:10:53

YANBU because no, that doesn't sound great at all. But. If he's genuinely someone you see a future with, I think it's worth investing some time in. Maybe he isn't confident or something, but I've never known sex in a relationship to get worse, in my (ahem) experience, it always quickly improves when you get to know a person. I feel like all of my first times with previous partners have never wowed me, because it's all so awkward and new. A few times down the line I've realised that the tension is gone and it's actually pretty fantastic! He does need to listen to what you want, though, that's for sure.

ZippyNeedsFeeding Mon 13-Jun-16 15:18:12

You don't need a reason to stop seeing him. If you don't feel it's worth the hassle of trying to fix whatever the problem is, then just end it.

VestalVirgin Mon 13-Jun-16 15:18:22

In fairness I didn't get that feeling, it was more like he thought I was trying to make suggestions for his benefit, I don't think he realised it was because I wasn't enjoying myself.

Oh dear. Once you have taken that path, it is very difficult to turn back, but ... I still think you should be honest.

Or give up this time and be honest with the next potential partner.

TheStoic Mon 13-Jun-16 15:20:27

Was he nervous? Any body image issues? Did he say he only ever likes missionary, or that's all he felt comfortable with that particular night?

There's nothing to lose by having a conversation. No point assuming you're not compatible without making sure that's the case.

expatinscotland Mon 13-Jun-16 15:31:25

Here's the no. 1 reason people get sucked into shit relationships: they do not listen to themselves, their gut instinct, they doubt themselves and end up giving chances to people they shouldn't even be giving the time of day to. Trust yourself. Chemistry's not there. FFS, you faked orgasm. This guy didn't even recognise that you weren't enjoying it. He set all the parametres right away.

Just DUMP and move on.

girlywhirly Mon 13-Jun-16 16:27:36

Yes, trust your instinct. Seeming nice and being quite a laugh isn't enough if there is no spark between you. It's as if you thought that might happen when you had sex. His attitude isn't very encouraging either, regarding wanting to pleasure you. It makes me think he would expect you to defer to him all the time, about all sorts of things. Next time he calls, I'd just say that you don't think you have any future as a couple and want to end it.

TheNaze73 Mon 13-Jun-16 16:45:24

Bin him off now. If he is that inflexible now (no pun intended) it'll only get worse. You & him, should be rewriting the karma sutra early doors & it should be edgy & exciting. Not just bloody missionary. Zzzzzzzz He sounds repressed

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