To want to move a small distance from my DM "cutting the apron strings"(11 Posts)
I just wanted your thoughts and to ask AIBU to move away from my DM.
Back story is I'm in my early 30's have two children, single parent, youngest is under 1 and my eldest is 8. I've had a few failed relationships, one particularly abusive one.
My mums in her late 60's has always supported me with eldest DC after splitting with my then partner. I fell pregnant after a short relationship with my youngests DC father but it didn't work out for various reasons, which I won't go into now.
I will need to move at some point as DC are boy and girl and need extra space. I bought my property when first DC was a baby so have built up some equity and property prices in my area have started to rise. I've been discussing this with my DM after a house on my street sold recently for near enough asking price. My plan is to sell in 2 years if possible and use any equity to buy another property. That's always been the plan since I found out i was pregnant with my youngest DC.
The problem is that my mum has started commenting on the areas that I have mentioned would be possibilities to move to. I'm starting to think about possible secondary schools for my eldest and primary for my youngest. And to be honest id like a change of scenery. I moved back to the area I grew up in and would now like to branch out again. DM is saying that her and my SD won't be able to support me (almost like a threat) as the areas I'm looking at are further away than where I am now. I mentioned it again recently about moving and possible secondary schools and she said you can't move too far. I jokingly said "here you go again trying to keep those apron strings tied", she replied with " you have two kids now button, will you be able to pop in every day like you do now".
I really feel she's trying to keep me close to control my life, I've been in shit relationships, ok, but it's like she's trying to keep me close to keep an eye on me.
I remembered recently, that she told me a couple of years ago, that she my ex ( the abusive one, although she didn't know at the time) from stopping me from going to university in another city. I ended up going to uni in my own town and dropping out 2/3 of the way along because of everything I was going through with that ex.
AIBU to want to let go, and branch out alone?
There seems to be a lot of info missing re what "support" from your mother means. Did she babysit, help out financially etc? Also as she is in her late 60s she will have to consider distance if she is needed for continued assistance.
You are an adult, you can live wherever you like, you don't need permission.
However if you are further from your parents at minimum you'll see them less and wouldn't be able to call on them in an emergency - which may be fine of course.
You can of course 'cut the apron strings' living right where you are now.
I live 3 miles from my mum. Have our own lives but very handy to pop round with 2 under 3 and now she is undergoing cancer treatment so can drop her off etc.
My brother is 15 miles to mum and it's more of a hassle. Everything has to be more planned etc. Can't help for childcare etc.
amarmai-sorry I should've expanded, but was just about to get my little one ready for bed..rushed post. She did babysit quite a bit for my eldest if I was having a night out and has had her after school since she started reception, although I sent DD to after school club last year whilst I returned to studying and was also working, but my DD didn't like it so stopped her going when I finished my course.
Nana and Now-that's what I'm worried about, the childcare emergency aspects. But I feel that's almost something my mum has over me. I may sound horrid, I do love my mum, but I've had an awful few years and feel like this could be my new start.
People in abusive relationships often come from abusive backgrounds. Their boundaries are fucked you see. They have been taught crazy life lessons about what constitutes normal behaviour and how to use identify and deal with bad behaviour. Pandering to an angry or sulker of a parent is a common theme. "Don't upset mum/dad, you know how she/he gets"
That you are so worried about moving away suggests to me that your DM might not be your saviour at all. Some distance from her might be a very good thing.
It just depends how much you rely on her. If she fetches DC from school and you will continue to expect her to, then she is obviously well within her rights to state that she will be less willing if the distance is further.
If you don't use her much for childcare, then it's a non issue.
From what you've said, I think it would be good for you to put some distance between yourself and your mother. Work out what your boundaries are, instead of letting her decide. She's likely to keep trying to control your decisions but you don't have to allow this. I'd suggest that you choose where you'd like to live, and don't discuss it with her until you let her know your new address.
Run rabbit - I've began to question this recently and this was one of the reasons I posted. I went through my 20's kind of "sleeping" but now in my 30's I'm questioning the decisions I've made and whether my upbringing has had an affect on that I just think that my mum is getting older, she isn't always going to be here, and I want to start living the life that I want now
Totally not unreasonable. It's your life and your DC's lives you need to prioritise. Put yourself first!
If you're aiming to move before your youngest starts primary school then you will meet parents, neighbours etc and build up a new network of friends.
Definitely cut the strings! Start now little by little!
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