AIBU to send this email to my dh

(93 Posts)
StarThorn Sat 11-Jun-16 20:26:19

Ok, so this is what I am considering sending to my dh, we are going through some stuff and the word divorce has been mentioned. So do you think I should send it? I am open to criticism but be gentle with me MNers!

Dear (dh),

I write this to tell you how I'm feeling. The reason why? Because I can't speak to you without fear of judgment.

On a daily basis I feel, exhausted, strung out, depressed and so incredibly lonely. Not just lonely, alone.

And I know what you're thinking - go out and do something about it then! Because it's just that easy isn't it.

I won't tell you about how hard it is to be a full time mum, you'll just see it as some kind of competitive part of me that seems to want to belittle what you do, despite telling you several times how much I appreciate what you do and not being believed or validated.

I know it's extremely difficult juggling two jobs and a home life. I appreciate how hard it is for you to occasionally get up in the night when my body simply won't let me. And, for whatever it's worth, I love you with all my heart. But that doesn't seem to be enough.

That doesn't stop the constant snapping, the lack of affection, the hatred that oozes from you when you see me as just a mum who doesn't have a job and who does nothing because you have to do everything else. Because I know it's not enough for you, you work much harder than I do, you do more hours and you are far less appreciated for it. All I do is look after (ds) you do everything else.

I hate myself on a daily basis for letting you down, for the house being a tip because I didn't get round to doing it due to (ds) being particularly clingy. I hate myself for not having your dinner done for you every night as I once promised, because I've run out of time after trying to tidy and cope with (ds's) tantrums and whatever else the day throws my way. I hate myself for not being polished and dressed, with a full face of makeup, for having turned into a fat ugly woman, for being a let down. I hate myself because I naively thought that I could do it all, and I hate myself for not being able to.

I am not saying this for your sympathy, but as an insight to my life. The one you don't see.

You see, I want to be the best Mum I can. Though they don't tell you when you start that you will feel like giving up living every single day, that you will feel like such a failure every single day, that it's not the cake walk you envisaged. It's downright shit. Not the parenting - creating (ds) is the only thing in my life I have ever achieved and I have to say he is pretty damned perfect. That's not to say I couldn't (theoretically speaking) strangle him some days! Especially at the moment when everything is a battle with him. The smiles, the cuddles, the teaching him something new, watching this little life unfold that's the worthwhile bit, that's the bit that makes you forget how ill you feel without a hint of a break, the snot, dribble, sick and poo on your clothes or in your hair. The constant ache in your back and arms from carrying him all day, and bending over changing nappies, bathing and feeding him, the sheer exhaustion and complete lack of motivation once he's in bed.

They don't tell you that until after you've had them.

And I wouldn't change that for the world (well maybe a break every now and again)

The truth is I am miles from anyone I know, and I know you just think, "go out and make friends". The fact is I can't. The crippling anxiety I feel on a daily basis prevents me from walking to the shop, let alone going out to make friends. When I do muster the courage I am practically shitting myself leaving the house. I dread the neighbours speaking to me, God forbid a stranger. But then you probably see that as my fault, I should just get over it. You did. Well the 25 years with the mental health teams should indicate it's not that easy for me. I know, I know, you made me do it and I just got over everything when I met you. Nope. I just managed to curb enough fear to get through the day. And I'll let you in on a secret - it's not so scary when I'm not on my own, hence me coping ok when I'm out with other people.

You have no idea how much I would love to be like other people. How much I would love to find living easy. But I'm not other people. And as much as this is far from the life you envisaged, the sad fact of the matter is that I have never really been able to picture my future. Maybe because I was convinced for so long that I didn't have one.

So yes, I know I'm not the wife you wanted, or the mother you wanted for your son, but the truth of the matter is I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best just to get through every day. I cry at least three times a day every day. It helps. I can't speak to my mum, despite her being my best friend for so long, because I don't want her to judge. The only person I can trust not to is (bf)

I will never be perfect, in fact I will always be the deeply flawed, awful wife and mother who cares too much what people think, but that's just who I am. I say things that I don't mean when I get upset or feel cornered or attacked, sometimes awful things. Every single negative thing anyone has ever said sticks in my brain and replays on a loop every day, and the positive stuff gets lost in the mess. This is me.

So I understand if you feel you can't be with me, you can't live with me. I understand if you want to be divorced and want nothing to do with me. I understand that you hate me, a little more every day. I know.

For whatever it's worth, I don't regret marrying you, however difficult it is. For whatever it's worth I don't want a divorce and for whatever it's worth, I love you with all my heart.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 11-Jun-16 20:32:42

Blimey.

In this part "you work much harder than I do, you do more hours and you are far less appreciated for it. All I do is look after (ds) you do everything else." I think I'd change it to "you feel...."

MoltoIncazzata Sat 11-Jun-16 20:33:01

Oh God - that's so sad! I just want to give you a big cuddle and try to make you feel better. I'm sorry you're feeling this way - I can actually feel tears pricking my eyes. Nobody should feel like this and NOT get support. I think you should tell your Mum - she'd want to know and would be gutted to know that you're bearing this load without her knowledge. As for your husband - it won't do him any harm to read that. It might not touch anything within him, but it won't do him any harm.
flowers for you

CalleighDoodle Sat 11-Jun-16 20:34:41

I font think be will read it all. He will start, read criticism and stop reading.

Can you not get a job?

CalleighDoodle Sat 11-Jun-16 20:36:59

Rarher than sending it to your husband, Make an appontment with your gp and give the email to them.

fatmomma99 Sat 11-Jun-16 20:41:25

flowers sorry, I don't have more to offer you.

This will change, whether your DH stay together or not.

RebelRogue Sat 11-Jun-16 20:41:31

Send the email,but also print it out and show it to your gp. Do it for you,not your dh,or ds. This is not living,this is surviving x big big hugs for you x

RavioliOnToast Sat 11-Jun-16 20:42:18

I wouldn't send it either if I was you. I'd go to the GP.

seastargirl Sat 11-Jun-16 20:47:32

Whatever you decide to do, I'd take out the strangle him bit, I'd be worried he might try to use it against you at some point.

It's an awful way to feel and it sounds like you need to get some mental health support lined up to help you however things go.

RealityCheque Sat 11-Jun-16 20:52:26

As others have said, your issue here seems to be depression. Its terribly sad that you feel this way and so alone. I will go against the grain and say you SHOULD show your dh. And then show your GP, preferably with the support of dh.

flowers

NapQueen Sat 11-Jun-16 20:55:55

Is he working two full time jobs?

I really don't think it's bad to expect the parent who does the child care in the week to also do a massive chunk of the housework in addition to managing the child.

If I'm brutally honest I think a lot of your issues and emotions are from within you, rather than caused by him. He can support you, sure, but he cannot fix it all. You need to speak to a professional.

Pearlman Sat 11-Jun-16 21:01:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulukat Sat 11-Jun-16 21:02:12

Keep the email, do not send it. Write another tomorrow again keep it and not send it. Do this a few times. Read them back after a few days, then sit with your DH and explain you need to talk. Wait til DS is in bed and you are both calm, don't go in all guns blazing but try and be calm but explain how you feel without lots of criticism. Let him talk too.

Lulukat Sat 11-Jun-16 21:03:20

oops pushed enter too quick. I think it is a really good idea to see your GP again too, call them first thing Monday. I really hope you feel better soon and work things out with DH

Lulukat Sat 11-Jun-16 21:03:45

oops pushed enter too quick. I think it is a really good idea to see your GP again too, call them first thing Monday. I really hope you feel better soon and work things out with DH

StarThorn Sat 11-Jun-16 21:06:35

Thank you all, to answer a couple of questions, I can get a job and am applying for night work so that I can look after ds in the day. We originally decided that I would give up work to be a full time sahm.

I have made an appointment with my gp, to manage my depression but there are contributing factors.

No, he has one full time job and works a couple of hours an evening two or three times a week to supplement the main income.

Just to clarify, my house is not a landfill nor is it a show home.

I realise this will get a few people worked up but the question was should I send it, not should my house be spotless. For the record I do all of the housework, it seems never ending sometimes, I do the cleaning, cooking (most of the time or we get take out) washing, ironing and shopping and whatever else needs doing. Sometimes the house isn't perfect.

Pebbles16 Sat 11-Jun-16 21:07:23

Gosh this has made me tear up.
I suspect he had no idea how you really feel. You do need some outside help. Would showing him shock him in to action or make him run? If the former, show him; if the latter, go to your GP or access your local MH team (I think it can be done online) flowers

marblestatue Sat 11-Jun-16 21:09:51

Don't send it yet. And yes, see the GP. If things are this hard then you need as much support as you can find. Would your DH be willing to attend couples counselling with you?

RebelRogue Sat 11-Jun-16 21:11:26

OP all these thing you hate yourself for and apologise for...is it how you feel or how he makes you feel? Does he say those things to you?x

mirrorballs Sat 11-Jun-16 21:13:03

How old is DS op? Could he attend nursery/childcare for short periods if you got some daytime work hours, or even just so you can manage your housework tasks, shopping without distraction.

If you're looking for evening work when would you and DH spend time together?

nonladyofleisure Sat 11-Jun-16 21:13:29

Don't send it will be used as ammunition

... Looking at your email you sound like an emotionally abused wife looking for approval from your husband... This may not be the case.

You have guilt ridden over you for not being perfect. You read like you have depression which isn't helping your other issues...

Ask yourself are you anxious is everything isn't done before your husband comes in from work? If you were on your own would you feel this way?

Hissy Sat 11-Jun-16 21:17:41

Who is setting these ridiculously high standards for you love?

LauderSyme Sat 11-Jun-16 21:20:15

Dear StarThorn, you poor thing, your email is gut wrenching. Sending you hugs. I am quite shaken and saddened by the intensity of the self loathing in your words.

Your descriptions of your feelings and behaviours seem to indicate you are suffering with severe depression and anxiety and are in really poor mental health . Please go and see your doctor and access help. Your relationship with your dp is not helping you, I am not sure your dp has the will or the skills, and even if he had, your relationship alone cannot fix you. And you can't fix it while you are in such a desperately bleak place.

I would advise you against sending him the email, I don't think it will provoke the response you want or need, and you will end up feeling worse. Please seek professional help and try to take care of yourself.

EllsTeeth Sat 11-Jun-16 21:21:27

So sorry you're feeling like this. It is hard and isolating looking after a young child and throwing anxiety/ depression and an unappreciative partner into the mix makes it all the harder. If you have tried to talk to your husband and always end up arguing (been there!) I would send the email. At least he can read it in a calm way and hopefully take on board how you're feeling if he doesn't already fully understand. I would also talk to your mum if you are close. I'm sure she'd be really upset to hear that things are so hard for you right now. And GP is a good idea. How old is your son? Please know that there are many more out there feeling like you do. Please try not to be so hard on yourself flowerschocolate

StarThorn Sat 11-Jun-16 21:22:14

Ds is 11 months. I really didn't want to leave him during the day tbh. My guilt is mainly a reflection of my failings. I had big ideas, I went from a driven successful career woman to a sahm, I guess I thought I would do as well at being a housewife as I would running a company.
Yes I am anxious if everything isn't done before he gets home but again, I think it's down to me. This is not an attack on him, merely outlining how I feel, that's not to say he is without his flaws.

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