AIBU to want to protect my Dad's money?

(204 Posts)
Dazedandconfused28 Fri 10-Jun-16 13:12:55

My DH and I are in the process of buying a house - a large proportion of the deposit being inheritance from my Dad - who died when I was much younger. The money has only just been released after the sale of his property.

Whilst we are very happily married, I feel that it would be foolish not to protect this sum of money, more so because I feel like it is my Dad's. We plan to split the mortgage repayments 50/50 - and we've both saved towards the remainder of the deposit & associated costs. We don't yet have children together.

The problem is whenever I have tentatively raised the subject of protecting just that sum of money (with say, a written declaration of trust) he becomes incredibly offended and says I'm acting as though this is my property, not ours - which is not how I feel at all. I'd welcome your thoughts on this matter! AIBU?

ApocalypseSlough Fri 10-Jun-16 13:16:06

I'd be offended too.

idontlikealdi Fri 10-Jun-16 13:16:25

Honestly now you're married I would think of it as joint money.

PaulAnkaTheDog Fri 10-Jun-16 13:18:48

I'd be offended.

Pinkheart5915 Fri 10-Jun-16 13:20:02

I'd be offended too.
A lot of mine & DH money is inheritance and to us it is joint money, we are married and plan to be together for a very very long time.

Icanseeclearly Fri 10-Jun-16 13:20:06

Yanbu. This is youreally inheritance, the money your father gave you. Not you and your partner.

If he doesn't want you to have a larger stake in the house then either he can match it himself or you don't put it in and keep it invested and ring fenced yourself so the house is truly 50/50.

roarfeckingroar Fri 10-Jun-16 13:20:11

Not unreasonable at all

ConfuciousSayWhat Fri 10-Jun-16 13:20:26

Id be offended. It's joint money when you're married

3boys3dogshelp Fri 10-Jun-16 13:20:29

You're married, so to my mind it's joint money. I'm not surprised your husband is offended.

Sparklesilverglitter Fri 10-Jun-16 13:21:35

I'd be offended too

seventiesspangles Fri 10-Jun-16 13:22:46

I agree with idontlikealdi it's joint money now you're married. My DH never once considered our home to be anything but 'ours' although he put down the full deposit (from his saved wages not inheritance) and has always made all the mortgage repayments.

PNGirl Fri 10-Jun-16 13:22:50

You can't really do this without implying that you don't want him to have any of that money if he divorces you, and if you say met someone else and wanted to divorce him you'd want it all back from the house sale. I think you're married so you kind of have to chuck the money into the marriage money pot.

Iwannaberich Fri 10-Jun-16 13:23:20

I'd be offended too, so I'm not surprised your DH is.

Teresalosingtheirleaves Fri 10-Jun-16 13:24:03

I'd be abit miffed tbh...... but someone once told me with finances to always be realistic not romantic.
You say no children yet so I guess you are quite young, I'd put up with a grumpy dh for a while and see through protecting yourself. It's only a problem if you split up, it's not like you are trying to cheat him out of anything. You want to pretect your fathers legacy. Life is fluid and the only sure thing is change, from an older cynical person.

Gazelda Fri 10-Jun-16 13:24:14

I'd consider it joint money, and be offended at your proposal.

Could you buy a special piece of jewellery, or similar asset to commemorate your Dad, but put the money into the house?

If roles were reversed, and you split after having children, would you expect your DH to take the inheritance sum out of the marital assets before splitting the rest?

PNGirl Fri 10-Jun-16 13:24:29

When I say implying the 2 above scenarios I mean that you think they may happen.

Kidnapped Fri 10-Jun-16 13:25:48

No, YANBU. Your dad wanted you to benefit from that money. If he wanted your husband to have half of it he would have left it to him presumably.

Give your DH the option though. You both buy the house with equal sums of money as a deposit (and you invest your dad's money elsewhere) or you use your dad's money for the deposit (thus allowing you both to get a better interest rate/shorter term of mortgage) with a declaration of trust.

Option 1 will probably mean that you can't buy this house. But he can still keep saving and you will both find a smaller house to buy eventually.

If he genuinely feels that he wants the house to be equally split, he'll choose the first option.

Like Teresa, I am also an older, more cynical person.

blindsider Fri 10-Jun-16 13:26:23

Are his parents still alive? Would you think it reasonable for him to consider any inheritance in the future his rather than for the family coffers. The best way to protect your dad's money is to stay married and suggesting that you can ring fence your bit would tend to work against that aim...

peachpudding Fri 10-Jun-16 13:26:40

It's too late now, you should have raise the idea of a pre-nup before you were married.

How would you feel if he started asking you to sign something every time he bought stuff for the house with his earnings. Or do you just think its your money that should be 'protected'?

If you divorced tomorrow you would have a good case for keeping all the money from your inheritance, if you divorce in ten years then not such a good case.

KayTee87 Fri 10-Jun-16 13:27:23

Yanbu I think it's quite sensible.

My husband purchased our house before we got together, when I moved in we split the bills 50/50, after we got married we remortgaged in both of our names to get a better deal and had to put the deeds in both our names. There's 100k equity in the house that I only contributed a small amount to in the past year so I advised my husband that he might want to protect the equity in his own name. He didn't want to and the deeds were put in both of our names equally but tbh I thought he was mad not to protect himself - what if I turn into a vindictive cow face grin

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Fri 10-Jun-16 13:27:27

I think it's sensible to want to protect it. I'd feel the same if it had been the other way around but me and DH have never done joint money or had joint accounts.

I suggested a similar thing when I had an inheritance. In the end we didn't but we did agree that should we split up and have to sell the house, I will get a bigger share as my deposit was more than 50% of the price. DH isn't an arsehole so I have no reason to believe he would go back on this. Can't ever see it happening mind but you never know.

AyeAmarok Fri 10-Jun-16 13:28:03

Sorry, you're married and this is for your family home. The money is both of yours.

YABU.

I would second buying yourself something with some of the money in memory of your dad, but what you put into your shared home is both of yours

K8dw Fri 10-Jun-16 13:29:07

Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation was reversed. And answer the question honestly.

KayTee87 Fri 10-Jun-16 13:29:39

Oh and I'd never consider inheritance joint money if I'm honest.
Can you tell I'm the child of divorce and that my mother is the most practical person you could ever meet.

dowhatnow Fri 10-Jun-16 13:29:58

But even if she invests it elsewhere and they don't use it for the deposit, they are still married and he is entitled to half.

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