to think my DM needs a telling off

(27 Posts)
WhimsicalWinnifred Fri 10-Jun-16 10:41:59

Please don't be mean. I'm knackered and emotional.

DD has caught a horrendous sickness bug which obviously came on just as we were going to bed (why do they always do that?!) And bless her little heart she was really bad but really brave. I sat up with her almost all night (a quick reminder of the newborn constant feeding stage and left me wondering how I functioned back then) worried about her and how DP and I were going to arrange time off to look after her. Obviously no childminder today.

So finally, my point. I called DM to ask if she was working today (irregular working days) and she asked why. I said DD had been really sick. Her reply was "yes I'm working today. I've been up since x doing x and y happened yesterday meaning z might happen today. non stop detailed rant of days plans. So I'll speak to you later. OK? " this was about a 5 minute conversation. She literally had no concern about how DD was. How badshe had been. Was she going to be ok. Just proceeded to talk about her.
Aibu to tell her she was out of order or just forget about it but remember she is selfish?

So as not to drip feed. We have been close... im drifting off a bit as she has form for tgis type of behaviour. Live quite far away so She always talks about being the left out grandma but doesn't really ask about DD or pay much attention to her when with her.

Only1scoop Fri 10-Jun-16 10:46:27

Do were you ringing her to ask her to mind your dd or just for a chat?

Only1scoop Fri 10-Jun-16 10:47:02

Don't know where the 'do' came from grin

Savemefromwine Fri 10-Jun-16 10:48:24

I think she was trying to dodge the bullet of having to look after a grandchild with a potentially infectious sickness bug so was shutting you down.

As a gran myself I would be defiantly asking about my grandson and be sympathetic etc but got to say wouldn't want to babysit as not fair on my other kids st home and dh. Sickness needs keeping in the immediate family and not spread.

Still she did sound very tactless op.
Hope your dd better soon.

roundandroundthehouses Fri 10-Jun-16 10:50:14

Hmm - yes, some more concern would have been nice. But if the first thing you said to her was about her plans for the day, and she was already rushed and preoccupied, she probably took that as the primary conversation. Some people also overexplain when they have to say no to a request, because we're conditioned as mums to be ever-obliging. Neither of those may apply to your mum, of course, but I think a 'telling off' hmm is hardly appropriate. She had plans. You'll have to make arrangements for your own child - bad luck, I'm afraid. These things happen. I hope your dd is better soon.

WhimsicalWinnifred Fri 10-Jun-16 10:55:15

I call her every morning. Sometimes to check she's awake (has massive issues sleeping through alarms) as was requested this morning and then a chinwag as we or just i drive to work.

So I had two main aims to my call. One selfish. She has looked after sick dd twice now in 5 years so has really helped us out. She is not concerned about bugs. Proud to have an oxs stomach and never had a sickness bug.

I don't think it was bullet dodging because of that and she has form. And I think she'd just say.

roundandroundthehouses Fri 10-Jun-16 10:58:35

If she has 'really helped you out' in the past, and clearly isn't with it in the mornings, I'd let it lie tbh. No point in making things worse for yourself.

WhimsicalWinnifred Fri 10-Jun-16 10:59:10

Just to be clear I would never expect her or anyone to look after dd when sick or otherwise. We are very proud to not rely on or take the piss out of anyones generosity to look after DD. We pay extortionate amounts in childcare rather than that.

WhimsicalWinnifred Fri 10-Jun-16 11:01:03

It's the lack of concern that annoys me. Couldn't care less if she has ready made plans. Like a pp said. I will make arrangements for my own child. That's fair.

WorraLiberty Fri 10-Jun-16 11:01:57

Maybe after explaining all the reasons why she can't look after your DD, she hung up and thought "Shit, did I ask how she is"?

Either way, I don't think she deserves a 'telling off'.

NataliaOsipova Fri 10-Jun-16 11:05:13

I think it's an age/living on your own thing (don't know if the latter applies to your DM, in fairness). My mum does this - gets completely preoccupied with minutiae and will tell you about minor things in excruciating detail without coming to the point. Could just be that rather than a lack of concern (although I fully accept it would have been nice if she'd asked about your DD! Hope she's soon better!).

VeryBitchyRestingFace Fri 10-Jun-16 11:23:33

Sounds like she was thrown into a bit of a panic by your call and (upcoming) request for babysitting cover. She blurted out her detailed itinerary for the day's events to cut you off at the pass and, in her haste, forget to enquire about your daughter.

Easily done. Maybe she'll call tonight to enquire. smile

Certainly wouldn't go telling her off about it.

blindsider Fri 10-Jun-16 11:28:48

what verybitchyface says is the most likely scenario

WeAllHaveWings Fri 10-Jun-16 11:33:50

If I told my mum ds had been sick or had a cold/been sick/upset stomach or whatever and I had been up all night she probably wouldn't ask much about it either.

If I said he was ill with something on-going or serious she would be very concerned.

Its only a bug, kids get them all the time.

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 10-Jun-16 11:34:32

I think she was just in a rush and didn't want to be roped into babysitting a vomiting grandchild.

I don't see why she needs to be "told off". She hasn't done anything wrong!

bibbitybobbityyhat Fri 10-Jun-16 11:36:59

I think its ok to be hurt that she wasn't more concerned about your dd, but you can't "tell her off" for it.

ceebie Fri 10-Jun-16 11:37:27

doesn't really ask about DD or pay much attention to her when with her

You could tell her off, but do you think that she would start asking more about your DD or paying more attention to her as a result?

Maybe point out to her that she forgot to ask after DD, but ultimately you'll probably just have to accept the way she is.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 10-Jun-16 11:45:58

I'm on the fence with this one.

I think she was definitely trying to get out of looking after your DD, for whatever reason, so blathered on so you couldn't get a word in edgewise, avoiding having to actually say "No"; and then didn't want to reintroduce the topic of your DD's sickness in case it gave you the opening to say "Any chance you could look after her today for us?"

But I don't think she didn't have any concern for your DD, just she was more concerned in how to get out of looking after her.
Bet she asks how she is later/tomorrow.

I don't think you should "tell her off" as such, but I do think you might need to have a bit of a chat about her feeling able to say No without all the avoidance tactics!

Chewbecca Fri 10-Jun-16 11:53:48

My mum is just like this.

I think you have to let her get on with it & accept this is how she is and adjust accordingly. No telling her off, it won't make any difference. I find if you try to change people like this, you just wrap yourself up in knots and feel constantly disappointed.

trafalgargal Fri 10-Jun-16 12:00:33

She's not a morning person and was probably chatting on auto pilot whilst getting ready for the day .....and you were sleep deprived so a bit over sensitive.

Personally I don't believe any adult has the right to give another adult a "telling off". Have an adult discussion by all means though if it pees you off.

SoupDragon Fri 10-Jun-16 12:07:21

Given you'd told her that your DD was very sick, what more was there to ask?

I do wonder if you are reading more into this than is really there. There are many explanations. I don't think your moth needs "a telling off" at all.

FullMoonTonight Fri 10-Jun-16 12:36:04

I think it's odd to even think about "telling off" another adult. Express your feelings, say you were hurt (really?) but why do you feel entitled to administer a telling off?

TrinityForce Fri 10-Jun-16 12:38:57

Good luck 'telling off' your mum, I can't imagine why she wouldn't immediately offer to take care of DD

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Fri 10-Jun-16 13:46:00

Lack of concern? It's a bug. Kids get them all the time then they get over it and life goes on. It's really not a big deal and other people shouldn't be expected to enquire about every illness they get unless it's serious. My nan does ask every time and will phone days later by which time I've forgotten all about it. Obviously I say they're fine but I honestly find it odd. It's nice she is concerned (and she is the only one who bothers) but I still find it odd.

Only1scoop Fri 10-Jun-16 16:13:16

'Two main aims, one selfish'

I think she was making herself unavailable as she knew what was coming next.

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