To tell my parents to get lost and that they can get their friends kids to look after them in their old age?

[FreyaFriday]

Since I was little, my parents have been friends with a couple who have two children of roughly my age, I'll call the children Jane and Peter.

All of my life, my parents have been very harsh and critical of me, I was never shown any affection and my dad punished my physically, and often. They have also, all of my life, been obsessed with Jane and Peter and about how great they are. As a child I would constantly be compared to them, and told how great they were and how awful I was, and it's the same in adulthood. They would happily cuddle Jane and Peter as kids but never me! My parents far prefer Jane and Peter to me! Don't get me wrong, Jane and Peter are nice enough people, it's not their fault, but it upsets me, and I feel on the verge of going non contact with my parents.

For example, when I had my DCs my mum told me that they had done their child raising and would not be babysitting for my children. Ok, harsh but fair enough. However they do not think twice of doing a 200 mile round trip to look after Peter's children for an afternoon as Peter's wife is at work and their childminder is on holiday.

My parents constantly critisise and belittle my parenting yet rave about what good parents Jane and Peter are to their children, and how their children are amazing.

They also constantly tell me how crap my job is and how much better Jane and Peter have done in life. This is not true at all; I have a decent job as does my DH, and Jane and Peter, nice as they are, just have ordinary bog standard jobs like us too. They haven't done anything world changing or award worthy.

Like I said, I am on the verge of telling my parents to fuck off, and also telling them that I will not be looking after them in their old age and that Jane and Peter can do it!

[WanHeda]

I would have gone NC a long time ago!

[coco1810]

Go LC with them. You have your family, concentrate on them.

[Idontknowwhoiam]

How strange of your parents to be like that.
Focus on your family and let jane and Peter deal with them!

[sue51]

YANBU. I'd keep them away from your children too, this must cause issues with self esteem and you don't want this passed down to your kids.

[FreyaFriday]

My self esteem is none existant I have to say! Thanks to a lifetime of being told what a cunt I am

[AnyFucker]

I give my permission for you to give your parents both barrels. It's waaaay overdue.

[whois]

I would have gone NC a long time ago!

This. In a nutshell.

Sounds like physical and emotional abuse. You would be healthier with them out of your lives.

[TradGirl]

Did you post about this before? A good while back? It sounds familiar. Either way, I'll write the same as I wrote back then: YANBU! Withdraw from these people. I'm sorry they weren't better parents to you

[Ratbagcatbag]

Im nc with my dad. Best feeling ever. He will never know my dd, he wasn't even on my marriage certificate. My life is much richer with him not in it.
Go nc or very LC and enjoy your own family.

[EveryoneElsie]

I went NC; its like waving a magic wand and having a headache or toothache disappear. Its like tipping your shoe up and having bunches of drawing pins fall out that you didnt even know where there.
Its a massive sense of relief and freedom at the same time.

[FrogsSpawnofSanta]

Next time they say how wonderful Janet and Peter are just yes but then they had good parents! Then go nc with them.

[Jodie1982]

I'd definitely go NC. How sad and upsetting for you. Your life will be much less stressful and upsetting without them in it. They seem awful. Good luck.

[CocktailQueen]

I am on the verge of telling my parents to fuck off, and also telling them that I will not be looking after them in their old age and that Jane and Peter can do it!

Absolutely - do it. You'd be well within your rights. They sound awful. Then go LC/NC.

[WindPowerRanger]

When my mother is tactless about our minor failings I actually do say 'I blame the parents'! It made my father laugh, but my mother takes it seriously and starts protesting her innocence, which makes everyone else laugh. Try it.

And always remember, it's not that you are lacking, it's that your parents are lacking. And weird. And unkind.

[NewLife4Me]

I wouldn't go nc until you have told them exactly how you feel and what they have done. Definitely let them know how they have favoured Peter's children over their own grandchildren. How they cuddled peter and Jane and not you, I bet they have no idea of what they have done.
Then leave the ball in their court and don't contact them.
Let them make the first move, see if you get an explanation and apology.
Their reaction will speak volumes.

[LaBelleOtero]

Do it. Life's too short to put up with emotionally abusive people.

[AristotleTheGreat]

You have my permission too to tell them to f** off.

Yoou also have my permission to look at your life and congratulate yourself on well yu have made it. Because let's face it, it's much harder to do so when you are constantly put down by the very people who should be cheering you.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

My parents were bad at this when I was little. They used to compare me unfavourably to my - deceased - sibling and also to their friends perfect little daughters, Lucy and Amy.

My revenge: I called my rag dollies Lucy and Amy and beat the shit out of them.

Your parents take the biscuit though. I second scaling right back on any relationship you currently have with them.

[EttaJ]

I agree with the excellent advice given. I would cut all contact. If pressed for a reason by them maybe write a letter outlining it all. They can re read a letter but a phone call is fleeting. They sound absolutely dreadful. They bring you no joy or pleasure at all. Set yourself free and let them get on with their miserable lives whilst you concentrate on enjoying yours.

[shovetheholly]

This is really cruel behaviour. You must feel so slighted and hurt by being overlooked like that. It's a kind of aggression to make such invidious comparisons.

a couple of questions:

Do you have any siblings? How are they treated?

What would happen if you straight up asked them to stop doing it,and that you find it upsetting and demeaning to be a constant subject of negative comparison to Jane and Peter?

[fuzzywuzzy]

totally reasonable.

I wouldn't say anything just stop being there for them to belittle you. Enjoy and love your family.

Leave them to Jane and Peter.

[seafoodeatit]

Their behaviour is appalling, I would be tempted to say to them that as wonderful Jane and Peter are in their eyes, you might have been better had you not had such crap parents who focused on other people's children instead of their own. If they love J & P so much maybe they could try modelling their parenting around them.

I don't know how you didn't go NC a long time ago!

[Teresalosingtheirleaves]

Send birthday, Christmas, mother and father day cards .... Signed Jame and Peter .

[ricketytickety]

I like the 'I blame the parents' line!

Low contact first, then no contact if you need to. So don't ring them or visit. If they insist on coming round, the first shitty sentence they utter say 'you must have been really bad parents to have raised someone so awful, unlike jane and peters' parents' then if they carry on ask them to leave.

What's the worst that could happen? Mum will probably shout and scream, Dad would tell you you are worthless again. But they would leave.And then you could tell them next time they want to visit 'you aren't coming in my house since the last episode, lets meet at a cafe.' if they kick off there, then let them and calmly leave. Then when they request ore attention say 'not after last time.' and then you have reached no contact.

It's possible just telling them straight that first time it happens shows them your boundaries have changed and you are no longer accepting shit, they will accept that and stop mistreating you. Or they'll try to get you take it back or apologise (as above) which would then have to lead you on to lowering contact.

You are a testament to your own self strength that you have bitten your tongue for so long and survived such nasty behaviour. Don't forget that you've been through things many people never have to go through in their lives and you've come out the other side intact.