Hen do/wedding (sorry!)

(19 Posts)
trowelmonkey1 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:54:42

Just after a quick yes/no on this one, so I'll keep it brief.

Best friend from school is getting married in September. It's in a remote location, hundreds of miles away. Due to logistics and cost, it simply isn't possible for me (or DH & DS) to attend. I haven't RSVPd yet. I only got the invite last week and I've been looking into ways I could possibly attend, but haven't come up with any viable options.

I got the invite to the hen do via Facebook last night. It takes place in 5 weeks time. Again it's hundreds of miles away, but in a more accessible location than the wedding and I had intended to go. However two weeks ago my DH had a nasty fall and did some serious damage to his knee. He's on crutches and can't look after DS alone. He's waiting on hospital tests/scans etc to find out exactly what's wrong and how best to treat it. This will take several weeks.

Because of this, I am now reluctant to go on the hen do. DH's knee could heal and he could be fine by the time of the hen do, but it might not. I am going to say to the hen do organiser & bride that I can't come anymore. I can't afford to shell out £250 for a hen do that I might not be able to attend.

Some background:
The bride was my best friend in school, but we are no longer that close. I didn't even know she was in a relationship until she announced their engagement 3 months ago. They've been together for over 2 years.
The bride was one of two bridesmaids at my wedding 7 years ago. I am not a bridesmaid for her. This genuinely doesn't bother me - we live hundred of miles apart and it simply wouldn't be practical to constantly go visit for dress fittings etc.

Now for the AIBU:
I was planning on sending the organiser of the hen do £50 to buy some drinks for those that are attending. I was also planning on sending £100 of John Lewis vouchers as a wedding present. I will also let my friend know that I won't be attending the wedding long before the RSVP is due, so that she has the opportunity to invite someone else.

I thought this sounded reasonable, but having asked friends IRL, a few have disagreed. Some have said it's too much and others have said it's too little.

What do you think?

Stiddleficks Wed 08-Jun-16 12:01:29

I think it's very generous considerinh your not actually attending either. It would never have occurred to me to send money for the hen night if I'm honest.
How much do your friends think you should spend on a wedding present? I had no more than £50 at most from anyone who came to my wedding.

lapcat Wed 08-Jun-16 12:03:02

I think it sounds completely reasonable.

LagunaBubbles Wed 08-Jun-16 12:03:04

If I wasnt able to attend a wedding I would even think about a present, never mind it crossing my mind about the hen do!

Mirandawest Wed 08-Jun-16 12:03:36

I would say there is no need for you to go to the hen do, nor to give anything for either hen do or wedding. If you want to then that's very generous of you, but absolutely no need to do so.

altiara Wed 08-Jun-16 12:05:58

Sounds very generous and thoughtful to me.

Itsmine Wed 08-Jun-16 12:09:17

Agree with Laguna if not attending wedding that usually lets you off wedding presents, but if you're keen £50 vouchers would be enough imo.

No don't give money for hen drinks, unless you were the mother of the bride its a bit weird.

LagunaBubbles Wed 08-Jun-16 12:10:35

wouldnt even think obviously!

katiegg Wed 08-Jun-16 12:12:42

Very generous considering you are not attending either the hen party or the wedding. If I was unable to attend a wedding, I would probably send a present but sending money for drinks to the hen party organiser honestly wouldn't occur to me. I think it is a very generous and lovey gesture on your part.

willconcern Wed 08-Jun-16 12:17:14

I would reply re hen night to say exactly what you've said about the hen do - that DH had a nasty fall and has done serious damage to his knee, is on crutches and can't look after DS alone, he's waiting on tests, all this may take several weeks, and you need time to see how it pans out before you can commit. In other words, leave it open if possible.

As for wedding, sounds like you've made a reasonable decision.

I wouldn't send any money for the hen do if you can't go. I also wouldn't spend £100 on vouchers, I'd probably spend £50. But your budget may be different to mine.

PuppyMonkey Wed 08-Jun-16 12:22:13

No to money for hen do.

Card and possibly a token gesture/ gift for wedding. But only because she WAS your own bridesmaid and that would be a nice thing to do. Deffo no to £100.

frostyfingers Wed 08-Jun-16 12:29:07

What you spend is up to you, I see nothing wrong with what you're proposing at all.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Wed 08-Jun-16 12:38:03

What you spend is up to you, I see nothing wrong with what you're proposing at all.

This. She was your bridesmaid but you are no longer v close and it's not feasible for you to attend either her hen or her wedding. It's a nice gesture.

KateLivesInEngland Wed 08-Jun-16 12:58:06

I think that that is very generous, as a former bridesmaid and best friend that is about right. Whereas if it was just a joe blogs acquaintance etc, I wouldn't have bothered.

I went on a hen recently and a few people who couldn't attend had a little whip round for a bottle of fizz for the bride! It's a lovely gesture IMO.

whois Wed 08-Jun-16 12:58:49

Sounds lovely.

spinduffy Wed 08-Jun-16 13:03:33

This is fine and not unreasonable.

I would always phone restaurant and arrange a bottle of bubbles of not attending the hen party.

I'm sure your friend won't mind

If you can afford to, do it; if finances are tight, it wouldn't be noticed if you didn't.

myownprivateidaho Wed 08-Jun-16 13:39:22

I don't see why people are saying no to money for hen do, I think that's a lovely gesture, and will make clear it's not just that you cba to attend.

trowelmonkey1 Wed 08-Jun-16 13:47:08

Thanks for the replies. I guess the generous presents are me trying to ease the guilt of not going!

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