family wedding to go or not to go

(14 Posts)
flippertyflopp Mon 06-Jun-16 20:29:13

Hello. I have a half sister who recently got married abroad. I am not particularly close to her and maybe see her once or twice a year although we did live together when I was very small, there is a big age gap and we have little in common. She has kindly invited me to her uk wedding party as I missed her actual wedding because it was too far away. The party is in a few weeks.
The thing is, I am going through a terrible time in my own marriage and really can't bear the thought of going to a wedding party right now. Aibu to make excuses not to go? I am in the middle of preparing for my imminent divorce with the help of womensaid if this helps explain anything. I am very depressed right now and my stbxh who is very controlling will definitely turn up and pretend everything's ok as he was also invited. I can't bear the thought of having to go along with this but feel selfish at the same time. I don't want to tell anyone in my family my situation and have been told not to let my stbxh know anyway until I leave for good as he could get worse.
I might add that my family as a whole aren't really close and probably will only miss me to bitch that I missed yet another family gathering...

Becky546 Mon 06-Jun-16 20:31:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbunny Mon 06-Jun-16 20:52:42

Reach out to her privately and explain as much as you are comfortable sharing and make it clear how much you wish you could go if circumstances were different. I'm sure she must understand. Do you think she would keep the information private if you asked her too?

whois Mon 06-Jun-16 20:55:00

I would tell her the truth. That your thing to leave your abusive husband and you are worried he will turn up.

MidnightAura Mon 06-Jun-16 20:55:44

I agree with Rainbunny. I'm getting married soon and would not have a problem with this.

flippertyflopp Mon 06-Jun-16 21:56:31

Thank you for your replies, unfortunately my sister is a massive gossip and I am a bit scared she will tell people before I'm ready for everyone to know and also as its so soon I am still sorting out an 'escape' plan with the help of womensaid so don't even know if I'll be at home or in refuge accommodation so it really is quite awkward. My mum is terrible and apparently embarrassed that my marriage is falling apart (on the face of things i have perfect life and my mum thinks it's ok to keep a nice house/car and be abused as she doesn't understand the full effects on me and child- all very cliche I know) and said that its best I don't tell anyone until I am actually divorced. It's a very lonely time and these kind of events do really hurt as I am so depressed, not to mention I am not enjoying pretending everything's ok especially when family ask after husband when I just want to say how depressed everything's making me.

Arkhamasylum Mon 06-Jun-16 22:04:13

OP, make whatever excuses you need to not to go. You have other, far higher priorities at the moment.

It sounds like you are busy doing something utterly essential for yours and your child's future. That's the important thing. It's not selfishness, it's self-preservation.

I wish you all the best.

flowers

Rainbunny Mon 06-Jun-16 22:13:46

Oh my gosh! Well done for doing what you need to do (and I know it's tough) to start living a better life again!!

Well in these circs I would advise telling whatever excuse under the sun that you need to - illness always works and it doesn't matter if it it's believable or not. At some point in the future, when you feel safe and ready you can always reach out to her and explain if you wish. Right now your only job is to think of yourself! Good luck OP!

Andbabymakesthree Mon 06-Jun-16 22:16:55

OP don't go. Sounds like your family aren't the healthiest influences either. Save your energy for leaving him.

Kanga59 Mon 06-Jun-16 22:18:41

I agree. excuses now, explanation later. send a card and gift voucher..

MidnightAura Mon 06-Jun-16 22:39:05

In that case then say nothing to your family. You and your children come first. Send a card.

quarkandmarmite Mon 06-Jun-16 22:45:51

Aren't you ill that day? wink

But in all seriousness, you don't seem close to your family, your mum puts a piece of paper (marriage certificate) as a higher priority than yours and your child's well-being as well as her own 'good standing' in public so therefore it sounds like you have nothing to lose by saying a) you don't want to go. b) you 'forget'. c) you fake an illness.

flippertyflopp Tue 07-Jun-16 00:20:36

Thanks all. I have been avoiding these things for a while and I did manage to go to her hen do. However, that was easier because there were no men allowed and I just kindve managed to get through it alone as was just a meal. The people helping me get out are helpful and have already pointed out that my mum is not very useful in this situation and I'm not to rely on her (hence having other resources involved, I wish everyday I had family to help me rather than strangers but at least I have someone rather than nobody as I've stayed longer in my situation thinking I had nobody at all!) so I think my best option is to call sick And send a gift and card I just feel bad because I know my family are saying that I am the only one who doesn't turn up at party's. I just hope that when everything is done it will become more apparent why.

altiara Tue 07-Jun-16 18:33:40

Good luck OP flowerschocolate

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