To tell this mum I don't want to be her friend

(121 Posts)
WalkingBlind Mon 06-Jun-16 17:05:40

School gate mum, DC's in the same school. We bump into each other in the village etc. She seems to speak to a few people but always manages to stop me in the street/gate,etc. She got my phone number and messages me for general chat or to meet up or come for a drink at hers. I've never replied to a single message but she still sends them.

She's very clearly wanting to be good friends but I don't even want to be acquaintances sad Not that there's anything wrong with the lady.

The thing is, I have high functioning autism and I'm not comfortable chatting to people or texting them. She hasn't gotten any of the hints I've given or when I haven't replied. What's going to be the politest thing I can say to let her down? I'm not brave enough to say "I don't want friends I'm sorry" or even to outright say I'm ASD as that's such a difficult thing to come out with.

I can't just suck it up and try the friendship out i would find it devastatingly hard and could cause all sorts of problems for me. But if I turn her down bluntly she may think I'm saying she isn't good enough rather than I don't want that relationship with anyone at all. All I've picked up is that she is definitely the kind of person to be offended and make her feelings known... This terrifies me, I'm literally hiding from her at this point. MN always words things the best, WWYD?

KayTee87 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:10:50

I think as hard as it is honesty is probably the best way to go in this case. If it's easier then there's nothing wrong with telling her by text rather than face to face. Maybe something like 'Hi 'name' I'm very sorry if you think I'm ignoring you, I don't wish to offend you however I have autism and really find it impossible to form new friendships. It's far easier for me to not make new friends at all really, I hope you won't take it personally'

SisterViktorine Mon 06-Jun-16 17:13:32

Could you send one text saying 'Thanks so much for the offers to meet up. I have real difficulties with social anxiety and am not in a place at the moment where I can spend time with new people. Thanks again for the interest in meeting up. Best wishes..'

dowhatnow Mon 06-Jun-16 17:14:10

I thin kaytee s message is perfect.

OhMrBadger Mon 06-Jun-16 17:14:22

Tricky situation. How long has it been going on? Most people, at some point, would realise that unanswered messages means something is amiss and either check they have correct number or give up.

Are you friends with any other school parents?

BillSykesDog Mon 06-Jun-16 17:23:21

Be completely honest.

Itsmine Mon 06-Jun-16 17:35:02

I wouldn't be completely honest. There's no need to divulge your private medical conditions to persistent people, no matter how well intentioned their efforts are.
I would briefly reply 'I'm snowed under for now and the foreseeable future, thanks anyway'. Keep it brief, draw a line and move on.

PuppyMonkey Mon 06-Jun-16 17:36:27

Am I the only one thinking you should carry on just ignoring her messages? blush

LumpySpacedPrincess Mon 06-Jun-16 17:39:26

I'm with Puppy.

BillSykesDog Mon 06-Jun-16 17:42:14

But Puppy, this woman isn't really doing anything wrong, she's trying to be friendly.

Much better to tell her the truth than allowing her to think it's a personal rejection.

ThenBellaDidSomethingVeryKind Mon 06-Jun-16 17:54:56

I like Sister's message. I think it's much fairer than ignoring her

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 06-Jun-16 17:56:38

Op understands that if she continues to ignore this woman's friendly gestures then she will be really hurt! That is such a cowardly and clumsy way of dealing with people.

Op, I think a polite message about your autism and how you prefer your own company will be just fine. You don't have to make excuses or explain yourself, just be kind.

whois Mon 06-Jun-16 18:01:55

I would briefly reply 'I'm snowed under for now and the foreseeable future, thanks anyway'. Keep it brief, draw a line and move on.

Don't do that text. Its basically like "thanks but no thanks I'm better than you"

Defo honesty is the best policy.

Tell her (via text if easier)"Hi. Sorry if I've appeared cold to you - I have autism and find it reallt difficult to be sociable. I didn't want you to think I wa sbeing rude, but I'm not really up for meeting up. Sorry."

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Jun-16 18:05:32

How did she get your number?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 06-Jun-16 18:06:14

Exactly what Whois said.

MassiveStrumpet Mon 06-Jun-16 18:09:49

Whois has it right.

It will spare her feelings whilst being clear.

Haffdonga Mon 06-Jun-16 18:15:16

I agree that either the I'm snowed under excuse or the continued ignoring will seem like a snub to this mum and she may well be hurt or offended. I think honesty is really the easiest in the long run.

I'd say something like

Dear School Gate Mum
I'm dropping you a note to say thanks for the invitation to drinks at yours. I won't be coming because I actually prefer not to socialise with anybody. I really appreciate the effort you have made to be friendly and don't want you to feel I'm ignoring you but I'm really not one for joining in. Thanks again for the invitation. I hope the drinks party goes well.
Best wishes
WalkingBlind

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 06-Jun-16 18:17:17

Oh no, that's shocking, don't send that! Sorry Haf!

marblestatue Mon 06-Jun-16 18:18:10

Yes, go with what whois said.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Mon 06-Jun-16 18:21:22

whois has it spot on. You're grateful for the offer but not up to socialising. Don't worry op.flowers

Haffdonga Mon 06-Jun-16 18:21:41

Fair enoughy grin

Zampa Mon 06-Jun-16 18:21:58

I kept on inviting the children of a friend/acquaintance of mine around to play with the DSCs. I'd mentioned it a couple of times and nothing every happened. Eventually, the mum told me that her DS was autistic and didn't socialise well with others. I was mortified to have kept on suggesting it and as soon as I knew, backed off.

So even though there is a slight difference here, I think honesty is the best policy. She might be a bit put out but if she's reasonable, she'll understand.

noeuf Mon 06-Jun-16 18:22:08

I have Aspergers and I don't see why you should have to tell anyone just to preserve their feelings. I tend to say I'm quite anti social and busy with work to be honest if people persist.
So I would text and say ' thanks for all the invitations: sorry I'm so anti social , I'm just busy and don't really have time to do meet ups and things '

AllegraWho Mon 06-Jun-16 18:24:21

What whois said definitely. I understand how hard it is to be honest, but it's the only way for her not to misunderstand, get hurt, or get nasty about it.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask Mon 06-Jun-16 18:26:31

Sorry if this is a stupid question but are they definitely specific to you, not group texts to lots of school mums? I've been caught out before thinking an invite was to me specifically when in fact it was a general one... blush

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