to let this friendship drift

(71 Posts)
Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:22:29

Friend of a good twenty years standing, lived together at college, godparents to each other's children etc. I moved away and settled here with DH and the kids, she stayed put. I'm thinking if letting things drift because she is such a flake. It makes me so sad. She's visited here twice, each time it's started as "I'll come and give you a hand." First time I'd just had twins and also had two older ones, and was glad of the help, but then at the last minute she decided she couldn't face the drive alone, and brought her husband and her own two kids. They are all delightful but I was in absolutely no shape for hosting a family visit! Her husband got the picture very quickly and they retreated home but it left me feeling like I had let them down somehow whereas actually she had changed what was arranged.

The second time was for a family party of ours. The invitations included lists of hotels and b&bs, we are very well catered for as there are several tourist attractions nearby. They booked one 10 miles away, got there by train and DH had to go and pick them up. I don't know why they didn't pick a local one, but they said this was £20 cheaper, which they then spent getting a taxi back!confused

Anyway since then there have been several meet ups planned. My childcare arrangements are complex, I need notice to get out. She's given me dates twice and cancelled twice in the last year, both times I had booked childcare.

The final straw has been yet another planned meet up, but then as usual she tries to change the plan. So what started as her getting the train to the big city nearby, my meeting her and bringing her home here, was changed by a) a week, so out if half term meaning I'm restricted by the school run whereas at half term I can book KidsClub and
B) she wants to drive down with her husband and kids, who are now young teens, and they'll go for a walk whilst she comes to see me. Oh and they'll call and see some relatives who live nearby. (For nearby, read 90 mins drive.)

I can't decide if she just has no idea of geography, or time/distance, or is a massive flake.

WWYD?

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:23:24

Sorry that turned a bit epic!

Birdsgottafly Sun 05-Jun-16 23:28:06

I'd let it drift and if she really wants to come and see you, she will make definite arrangements and make it happen.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 05-Jun-16 23:28:42

So maybe before giving up on her friendship you could tell her that the change of plans isn't convenient and/or you're disappointed when she doesn't stick with the arrangements? It sounds like she thinks you're cool with the docking about. Make sure she knows you're not. Even if you say "no, that's not going to work for me, let's leave it until October" or whatever.

SoleBizzz Sun 05-Jun-16 23:30:19

Maybe at the time of booking the hotel she couldn't afford the extra £20 as the room needed to be payed for in advance?

acasualobserver Sun 05-Jun-16 23:31:05

I know it's an obvious question - but what's in this friendship for you?

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:31:56

Thanks for replying. After the last time I said that it was all too complicated, the relatives she thought were nearby really aren't, and the idea of her poor husband and kids killing time whilst we grab a coffee isn't appealing. ( The original plan was she stay with me and we hit the wine bars! )She took it well. I guess she doesn't think. It's always the same - a plan is made and then subtle changes happen until it's something I would never have agreed to!

ChicRock Sun 05-Jun-16 23:32:12

"Those arrangements don't work for me. Give me a call when you can come up with a date, time and venue that you'll be able to stick to rather than trying to change plans at the last minute as its too difficult for me to arrange childcare, etc".

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:33:08

I think they just picked a slightly cheaper hotel and didn't realise what 10 miles is actually like! I don't think money was or is an issue.

tootiredtothink Sun 05-Jun-16 23:34:09

How often do you go to see her ?

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:34:27

Acasualobserver we have a lot of history together and can almost talk in code when we're together! We were really close and I love her to bits. But the distance thing is just weird!

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:35:21

I see her in her/our home town far more often.

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:35:58

Chickrock I'm going to have to be firm and use that, word for word I think.

Overshoulderbolderholder Sun 05-Jun-16 23:36:31

Do you ever travel down to see her or is it mostly her coming up to see you?

Overshoulderbolderholder Sun 05-Jun-16 23:37:23

Sorry cross post.. I see you do

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:38:01

I see her at home fairly regularly because she's still in my home town and I'm there both to see her and see my rels etc.

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:38:14

Ditto! grin

Babymamamama Sun 05-Jun-16 23:38:50

She does sound flaky but when do you ever visit her at her place?

Babymamamama Sun 05-Jun-16 23:39:28

Sorry cross post see you were answering this as I typed.

MargotLovedTom Sun 05-Jun-16 23:39:33

Is she flaky with arrangements when you're in your home town? If not then I would just see her on those terms (at your convenience of course). It sounds way too stressful trying to see her down your way. It would be a shame to let the friendship end completely if you do actually get on well.

Discobabe Sun 05-Jun-16 23:44:03

Does she have anxiety issues? The wanting to bring her dh and kids all the time makes me wonder.

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:44:40

Less flakey but the plans always change at the last minute. Eg We've planned a night out but we end up sitting in the garden with her neighbours. She'll arrange one thing with one person and something else with another and then try and glue it all together. She's very sweet and expects everyone to get along. But I'd driven hours and was desperate to get out on the town with her rather than sit making small talk with people I had never met!

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:45:41

I think there might be nervousness about driving. Beyond that though I think she just tries to cram in too much and then doesn't think how that impacts everyone else.

NoMudNoLotus Sun 05-Jun-16 23:47:24

Does she have any health issues or mental health difficulties that make it hard?

My best friend dropped me after 20 years - she probably would have used the word "flaky" about me.

But I have CFS & Fibromyalgia. She will never know the effort that went into me even meeting arrangements half way.

She will also never know how much I miss her or how much my children miss her. Because we too were bridesmaids , and god mothers for each other's children.

Sometimes at night I dream we are still friends - and then I wake up and realise we aren't even in contact anymore sad.

Hotpointdishwasher Sun 05-Jun-16 23:49:16

Nomudnolotus that's so very sad! Does she know you are unwell? Surely you could patch it up?sad

No she has no health issues that I know of, and i have every confidence she would have told me.

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