Friend who adopted children ten years ago always refers to them as adopted

(108 Posts)
Sunnymeg Sun 05-Jun-16 15:54:18

This is probably me being unreasonable, but my friend's behaviour is starting to grate on me. I have a lovely friend who has a birth daughter aged 16 with her husband. They subsequently adopted twin boys five years ago who are now eight. Whenever she talks about them to anyone she meets, she will mention that they are her adopted children, but the daughter is hers . She will do this whether the boys are with her or not. I cringe inwardly for the boys when we are all out together and she speaks about them. I have other friends who have adopted who just refer to their family without any other comments. I don't understand why she doesn't do the same. The boys are from her ethnic background, so as far as I can see, random strangers don't need an explanation.

Sunnymeg Sun 05-Jun-16 15:55:46

Whoops just realised that I got the title wrong. I have known her for ten years!!

Arfarfanarf Sun 05-Jun-16 15:57:28

Can you ask her why she does it? Maybe having it pointed out might make her think?

Becky546 Sun 05-Jun-16 15:57:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sun 05-Jun-16 16:01:51

She probably had had a million questions about being pregnant with twins and had to either explain or lie.

Just ask her why she does it if you want to know.

MrsJoeyMaynard Sun 05-Jun-16 16:02:20

That does seem odd confused

AddictedToCoYo Sun 05-Jun-16 16:03:28

Are they of a different ethnicity? Does she do it to ward off the inevitable questions about her DD and the boys having different fathers?

AddictedToCoYo Sun 05-Jun-16 16:04:29

And also if her DH and she and her DD are all one ethnicity and the younger boys are another it's going to crop up in conversation sooner or later...

Arfarfanarf Sun 05-Jun-16 16:06:38

She says in her op they are of the same ethnicity.

Pinkheart5915 Sun 05-Jun-16 16:07:09

Does seem odd, but

My parents adopted my sister when she was a baby and my parents never say the adopted one but the others are biological ours. We are all spoken about the same.

Pinkheart5915 Sun 05-Jun-16 16:08:08

Don't know why I've put that BUT in that sentence

IthinkIamsinking Sun 05-Jun-16 16:09:49

Here's a thought.... why don't you ask her if it is starting to 'grate'. Alternatively, get over it.

meowli Sun 05-Jun-16 16:10:25

That would make me feel sad for the boys, too, but maybe she has decided to be completely open about the fact that they are adopted, and this is just her way of demonstrating that there's nothing to be secretive about? If they have any contact with their birth parents/family, that may be a reason to differentiate between birth family and adoptive family?

RosieandJim89 Sun 05-Jun-16 16:14:11

I think that is unfair on the boys and would probably say something. It should be the boys choice to tell people they are adopted.

wobblywonderwoman Sun 05-Jun-16 16:15:14

I think she is afraid of being secretive about it. I wouldn't like it either but it own your business really. You could gently say it to her but I don't think I would

GahBuggerit Sun 05-Jun-16 16:23:54

i know someone who talks of her adopted child, she feels very lucky to have been able to do so, so is very proud of it and her little girl is too.

plus i think its a little to do with some random knobhead who made a comment that the dc didnt look alike so being 'out and proud' nips any of that shit in the bud.

if thats the only negative your 'friend' does in relation to the adopted children then its probably very likely none of your business, to be perfectly frank

WriteforFun1 Sun 05-Jun-16 16:24:27

is it possible that she does it to start conversation and maybe inspire more people to adopt?

BillSykesDog Sun 05-Jun-16 16:38:02

Some adoptions these days have a degree of openess. I know a friend of mine has adopted and her little boy has regular contact with his natural father.

Perhaps this is the case here so they feel comfortable with some distinction? Perhaps they just like to be open about it? Perhaps they don't feel it is anything to be hidden or ashamed of or different? Perhaps comments have been made before about them looking like/not looking like the family which have upset the children so this heads them off?

If they are otherwise happy I think it's a very trivial thing to worry about. I know that some people prefer to make absolutely no distinction ever, but it's horses for courses and different things will work better for different people.

When were they adopted out of interest? If not as infants it's entirely possible that people locally will know them as part of another family and they may want to avoid any unpleasant situations regarding that too. Or if the children remember their birth family well they may feel uncomfortable having that part of their identity denied or glossed over.

BillSykesDog Sun 05-Jun-16 16:41:41

Just worked out they were 3. There may well be something there because from that age they would remember and perhaps there have been 'you're not my Mum' issues and the boys are happier with these sorts of descriptions.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers Sun 05-Jun-16 16:42:30

I also think it might be to do with open adoptions.

It used to be thought that you shouldn't tell children they were adopted, and that it was a shameful secret. And then, later, I think people imagined that if children knew they were adopted, they'd feel less loved. I think open adoptions are changing that way of thinking.

I can see it might be an issue if it were 'this is my real daughter, and these are only my adopted children', or something like that. But is it?

Sunnymeg Sun 05-Jun-16 16:47:12

Thanks for your comments. I know it is her choice, but I struggle with her telling random people, such as when we were in a queue for the cinema and she told the woman behind us in the queue and I thought to myself how odd that was as all the woman had done was ask where she had bought their minecraft t-shirts from . I can totally understand if it is someone she is likely to encounter again, or a mum from school for example.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 05-Jun-16 16:49:16

It's likely to stop having to lie in subsequent questions. Happens to me all the time with my foster children.

My friends who have adopted and fostered children say it to acknowledge the adoption/specialty of the children/lower the stigma. They are also incredibly proud and pleaded adopting.

My foster daughter has gone through many different choices about what to call her. She's older now so sometimes I agree to not mention it - and then she gets into the sticky question area.

You can't win, we're all just trying our best.

DumbDailyMail Sun 05-Jun-16 16:51:02

I think it's ok. They are adopted and she probably thinks she is making sure they are not shy about their background. She might see it as a positive thing.

WriteforFun1 Sun 05-Jun-16 16:53:56

if she says it to randoms, I think it's because she is proud and I can really understand that.

MrsDeVere Sun 05-Jun-16 16:55:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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