Grandparents refusing carers and i can't take it anymore!

(43 Posts)
CraigN24 Sat 04-Jun-16 17:25:05

I have posted similar before however it's all happened again and it's getting a lot worse, I don't know how much more I can take sad

Because of this I feel like I am failing at being a dad and failing at being a boyfriend!

My grandad got rushed into hospital a few weeks ago and we got told he wouldn't make it, but by a miracle he managed to beat the odds and is now home however he is extremely weak and unsteady on his feet.

My grandad lives at home with my gran and she is becoming unbearable..

My grandad is really struggling to get around and stay awake... I have to go up In the mornings to get him out of bed ,give him a wash and get breakfast for both of them. I then get kicked out. My gran will then phone up a few times + a day asking ( demanding) for different things from the shops and I have to rush the things up straight away.
I also get asked to do the house work at a time that fits around their TV programs ( When my son is asleep!.. So he has to sleep in his buggy at theirs so I can get the jobs done!)

When grandad is awake and I get a chance to talk to my grandad she snaps and tells him to " shut up" and it isn't fair because he gets all the attention and no one " cares about her" At night I have to return to cook their evening meals because my gran " can't manage it'" and then return later to give my grandad another wash and put him back to bed..... Before it all starts again the next day! ( I have suggested meals delivered to their door and ready meals, they don't want it.. They want my cooking!)

I have suggested getting a carer in to help them but they refuse, they say they don't want a stranger in their house ( I understand!) but sometimes we need extra support.. And they do!

My son(7) has a wide range of learning difficulties( working at roughly 12-18 months ) and it isn't fair for him to be rushed around all the time, he doesn't understand what's going on and it's making him very upset when we go out sad I also have MS and it's making me exhausted, when I am not rushing around I am asleep!

It is also affecting my relationship with my partner, he came down last weekend ( long distance relationship) and I didn't get a chance to spend any time with him at all because I was too busy rushing around! sad

I am extremely grateful they're both here but it's so difficult!

What can I do when someone is refusing carers? I don't know much more I can take before my body just gives up!

Crispbutty Sat 04-Jun-16 17:27:32

Its impossible to do this on your own. You really will make yourself ill.

Are there no other family members who can help??

fanjoforthemammaries Sat 04-Jun-16 17:29:10

You have to just stop. If you keep doing it they will keep refusing the carers. Don't cook for them ..order them meals.

TheWindInThePillows Sat 04-Jun-16 17:30:53

In my experience, many older people refuse carers if you give them a choice, but once you present them with the carer/no care option, they are often quite happy with the carers! In other words, no-one likes the idea of carers, but carers are just what has to happen.

Can you get the local care/social service or whoever deals with home care now to come and do an assessment? Just say you can't care for them any longer and leave them to work out what they are entitled to help-wise.

If you become ill due to caring, they will lose your care anyway.

gamerchick Sat 04-Jun-16 17:32:39

Contact social services and tell them the situation and from x date they will be on their own and need a care package put in place, let your grandparents know that this is happening whether they like it or not.

You're risking your own health and life and you need to be firm.

cookiefiend Sat 04-Jun-16 17:34:45

Call social work. Take a break. I know it is hard, but you will make yourself ill. They need to remember the world does not revolve around them. You are being wonderful, but with other care responsibilities it cannot all come down to uou.

thesandwich Sat 04-Jun-16 17:35:26

You cannot sustain this. They need a care assessment and you need a carers assessment.
Have a look on the elderly parents board- lots of wisdom from others but you must put your son's needs and your own needs first. Research some care options- introduce say a cleaner or someone to do the shopping then do it by stealth.what will happen when you are ill? Please take care

fabulousathome Sat 04-Jun-16 17:36:16

Get their agreement to have a keysafe put onto the outside of their property.

Then call Social Services and say that they are vulnerable adults who need help.

You can ring your grandma's GP and ask him/her to call grandma in for a check up. You can prime the GP with the situation in a letter first and maybe she will accept carers if the GP says they need them.

calamityjam Sat 04-Jun-16 17:37:41

You need to be firmer with them and stand up for yourself. How can you help them if you are too exhausted to do anything? I would go up twice a day. Once in the morning to get dgp up and washed etc, then do breakfast. I would batch cook at home once a week and take the meals up and freeze them. Your gran can then use them to heat up daily for tea. Shopping should be done online weekly and delivered, if they need anything in between, they can ring you and you bring it up on your next visit. Cleaning, again twice weekly after breakfast on pre arranged days. Stick to this and get them a call bell for emergencies, which is attached to an outside agency. My Grandma is on her own and suffers from dementia and copes just fine with less input than this. Please don't feel guilt tripped, you are doing your very best.

branofthemist Sat 04-Jun-16 17:37:52

As hard as it is, you need to stopS

We have just been through this with my grandad and there were more of us. One aunt who made it more difficult by taking him whiskey round every night, made it impossible.

We were in the process of taking a step back, when he fell over (drunk) was admitted to hospital and they decided he couldn't go home and was put in a home.

It was killing us. Your son needs you. You need to put him (and therefore) yourself first.

RaeSkywalker Sat 04-Jun-16 17:44:49

You need help. Age UK gave my mum some great advice when we were in a similar position with my grandparents. You could also try social worker involvement? How is your gran- do you think she might have the start of memory problems? This situation isn't sustainable in the long-term. What would happen if you were away/ incapacitated?

I agree with others about not cooking for them. My grandad never ever cooked before my grandma died- he now buys himself M&S and Cook ready meals (Cook in particular are fab), and can cook a pan of veg to go with it. We all take turns at having him for dinner at the weekend (but we have a big family so the 'pressure' isn't all on one person).

One of my friends had another situation like this with her grandmother. Her grandmother was admitted to hospital again, friend broke down and told the consultant she couldn't cope. Her grandmother continued to refuse carers and is now unfortunately in a home.

Pandora2016 Sat 04-Jun-16 17:51:19

You must, must stop this.

You're no use to them, yourself or your son if you're in hospital yourself.

Penfold007 Sat 04-Jun-16 17:51:42

Craig you and your family can't keep this up and I speak from experience. Sounds from your post as though you are a busy parent with a child who has special needs. Also sounds as though Gran is very stressed.

Ring Adult Social Care on Monday and speak to the duty officer and tell them what you told us and that your grandparents need a care assessment. Then you have to step back and that's the hard bit. Like you I'm doing for the second time as my parents refused the care package six months ago, the careers start this Wednesday and in one way I'm dreading it but I'm on my knees and I think you are too.

Inertia Sat 04-Jun-16 18:00:31

You need to get as much support for your grandparents as you possibly can.You have a disability, you have a child with additional needs- both of you need you to be fit and well. If you end up in hospital, your GP will need carers anyway and your son will have nobody.

Topseyt Sat 04-Jun-16 18:01:19

What you have described is totally unsustainable and must be hell on earth for you.

I am with those saying you need to involve social services so that they can be assessed for a care package.

Age UK will offer you good advice, so give their helpline a call. Also, perhaps speak to their GP (or even your own) if you can. I know that they won't discuss specific patient details, but you can make them aware that there is a problem and that can't be a bad thing.

witsender Sat 04-Jun-16 18:03:41

You are working so hard. You need to pause, and consider yourself and your son. Where are your parents/their child?

I'm sure they don't want strangers. But you need a sustainable balance, you need to find help.

BeckyMcDonald Sat 04-Jun-16 18:04:13

This is really, really common and happened in my family. In the end my mum had to just stop. She told them she'd pop in once a day in the evening to put a wash on and make them a brew, but that was it. She was in ill health herself and had four children still at home, as well as eight grandchildren and a job.

And after about a week of this, suddenly they were ready to accept help from care workers.

You need to stay strong and put the most vulnerable members of your family (your children) first.

Rebecca2014 Sat 04-Jun-16 18:13:40

I am a care worker and honestly you are bringing this all on yourself.

Phone social service, they will set up a care plan for your grandparents but you must now refuse to do any more personal care for them. Tough really they don't like strangers but they only have put up with them for half an hour then they are out the door.

Wolpertinger Sat 04-Jun-16 18:16:38

Stop. You have to stop.

I see loads of elderly people like this blithely saying 'my daughter or my son will do it' with absolutely no thought at all to what they are asking of that person whatsover, the fact that they have a family of their own, a job, a disability or whatever. The obliviousness is often staggering.

You are putting your health, your son's health and your relationship at risk.

You need to tell your grandparents that as of x date there will be no more cooking as you and your son are ill and they will have to have Wiltshire FarmFoods. They will have to get a cleaner as you can't do it any more. You can visit once a day with the shopping but no more multiple visits. You will also be contacting Social Services as due to health reasons you cannot manage to continue doing their care.

Your gran will call you all sorts of names but you are a brilliant caring human being who has gone above and beyond.

WhetherOrNot Sat 04-Jun-16 18:23:37

You must stop, really. My mother refused a care package for about a year until my sister nearly broke down. She now has carers 4 times a day - she likes them, it is company for her, and my sister is recovering.

No-one likes to think they need 'care' - and I'm afraid it will be YOU who MUST force it upon them. All the time you have a guilty conscience they will play on it I'm afraid. You need to get social services involved for your grandad's sake.

firestoned Sat 04-Jun-16 18:24:53

Very common unfortunately. They will accept carers if there is no one else to help. Work out what you are happy to do, and tell them you will no longer do the rest, but are happy to put things in place so they will be okay.

lljkk Sat 04-Jun-16 18:35:19

I swear when I get frail I am going to sign up for a care home as fast as possible. The idea of playing at long-gone independence, ugh.

CheeseCake2016 Sat 04-Jun-16 18:35:25

The strangers they are worried about will probably soon become friends. This happened with my elderly father, in a very short time he thought the lady who helped him was wonderful and couldn't stop singing her praises having not wanted any help initially.
You could also look at private care firms, if your grandparents have sufficent funds they will have to pay for their care and you can arrange this privately without using social services.

Mishaps Sat 04-Jun-16 18:35:36

Been there - done all this, both personally and professionally. Before he left hospital he should have had a proper assessment of his care needs - next time, refuse to agree to his discharge until this has been done!

Your only option is to start saying No - I do know how hard it is, but they will not agree to the care they need as long as you are at their beck and call. It is creditable that you are so understanding of their not wanting strangers in the house, but they may have no choice.

Sadly some very elderly people gradually lose the insight that helps them to put themselves in someone else's place and think of their needs too.

You need to contact the local social services department and ask for them to do a full community care assessment and for you to have a carer's assessment. They are obliged to do these things as soon as an adult in need is brought to their attention - they cannot say no.

They will tell you what they have to offer: day care options, carers coming in etc. But please be aware that there may be a payment for this, based on a means test.

You cannot go on doing this - you cannot split yourself into all these litle pieces.

It is likely that he may finish up in hospital again and you must be clear about them making proper discharge assessment and arrangements next time. So many old people say to the ward staff that they will be just fine. You need to make it clear on admission that he is not to go home without proper assessment.

Are there no other relatives who can play their part in this?

nannybeach Sat 04-Jun-16 18:41:23

Tell them they need to care for you if you have MS and a son with special needs, ring them countless times a day tell them you need help. What age are your parents? What about your sons Mother. Seriously, you need to get some help, you will kill yourself. Not sure if you can refer to social services yourself, you may need to talk to your parents GP. Parents can be really selfish, they think OK, I brought you up now you can help me, never mind your needs. Do not let them give you a guilt trip!

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