To get into a fight with my best friend over my au pair?

(160 Posts)
fijennin Sat 04-Jun-16 13:15:02

I've had the said au pair for a long time, and she really is like a part of the family. I am a single parent and have one DD and she is 3,5. The AP is absolutely brilliant and fantastic, and I wouldn't doubt her judgement for a second.

DD is off nursery for the week and AP has had her for full days (all paid for extra).
Au pair was sick on Wednesday night, poor thing was throwing up and was just really unwell. My best friend, who is also DD's god mother, offered to take DD out for the next day (Thursday) as she had time off work and wanted to see her. She has her own keys to our house. She also has two older kids who are staying at grandparents for the week.

Now, the situation as told by my BF - She walked into the house only to find the AP asleep in her bedroom, with DD in the living room on her own eating fruit and watching telly. She said she was horrified, and couldn't believe how irresponsible my au pair is, to leave a toddler watching tv on her own. She said she walked into the APs room to confront her and all AP did was keep her mouth shut and then my BF took my DD and left.

NOW THE AP SIDE - DD woke up 7 am (I'm out of the house by 6.30), she got up, gave her breakfast, gave her a shower, washed and dried her hair, got her dressed, and by the time all that was done it was already 9. She cut up an apple, a banana, watermelon and left some raisins on the coffee table along with DD's water bottle and put on a cartoon and went to lie back down as she was still feeling really ill. at about 9.30 my BF walked in and shouted at her - calling her a disgrace and a bad au pair, an irresponsible brat and lazy teenager, saying she'll never ever let her babysit her DC again (ap babysits for extra cash) and that she'll make sure to tell me and everyone else what happened so they would never leave her children alone with someone who thinks it's okay to sleep during their working hours leaving a three year old unattended. AP said she was in shock and couldn't believe she was being such a bitch to her. as soon as they left AP called me to say what has happened and cried on the phone.

Few facts - 1.AP's bedroom door lead straight into the living room. her bed is positioned so that if her door is open she can see the sofa in the living room. Her doors were open.
2. DD is a really calm child, and rarely gets tv time. so when she does get to watch tv, she will sit quietly and watch.
3. AP is the type of person that jumps out of her bed in the middle of the night straight away if she hears DD crying. I don't doubt for a second that even the slightest whine from DD would have her sprinting to the living room to check on her.

When I called my BF to ask if what AP said was true her response was - ''WELL OF COURSE IT IS!!! How can you leave your child with someone stupid enough to think it's okay to leave a toddler alone while she sleeps! the lazy cow (and a lot of other things and name calling)!'' to which I completely lost it and told her to fuck off. I would've done the same thing if it was me in the position, and if DD was sorted out completely why wouldn't she lie down. anyways we got into a very heated argument and said a lot of things, and I think she was completely out of line and told her not to talk to me if she's gonna go batshit crazy over something that doesn't concern her. some other mutual friends of ours said that BF was right, and AP shouldn't have done that and that I shouldn't have picked the AP's side in this. I'm still sticking to believing that my BF is wrong in this scenario and didn't have to right to insult and make my au pair feel bad over something that I support.

Opinions now, am I really being unreasonable with this? Should I have taken my best friend's side and had a chat with ap about responsibility (like several people have told me I should've). Or am I right to stick by my au pair in this?

The ap really is amazing. I even asked her if she wanted the day off if she was sick and she turned it down, saying she can manage for a few hours until the BF arrives. sorry for the long post!

WhineWhineWINE Sat 04-Jun-16 13:20:16

I think your friends need to mind their own business. Their opinions are based on a snapshot event - you however know your au pair very well.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Sat 04-Jun-16 13:20:46

Your AP sounds like a great girl!

Think about this. If you didn't have an AP and had a sick bug you likely would have done exactly the same as the AP did so you could get some rest while your child was entertained by tv and food. Would your BF have called you an unfit parent for doing that?

NeedACleverNN Sat 04-Jun-16 13:21:19

Is she such an amazing mum that her children are never out of sight?

I doubt it

Your AP was feeling ill and she's laid down whilst still being able to keep an eye on your Dd. Good for her. The food is probably not ideal as they do need watching closely when they have things like apple but your bf is out of order

hollie11 Sat 04-Jun-16 13:21:59

I think you are right to back up aupair - except for leaving a child eating alone, choking is silent. I feel sorry for her having to get up and look after the child whilst ill. Couldn't you have gone into work a little later so she didn't have to work whilst throwing up?

acasualobserver Sat 04-Jun-16 13:22:17

The BF is bonkers.

fingles Sat 04-Jun-16 13:22:20

Is your friend on the lookout for a v hardworking ap, by any chance? smile

cinnamontoast Sat 04-Jun-16 13:23:43

Your au pair sounds like a gem - you're lucky to have her. Your BF sounds unstable. What a bizarre way to behave. A 3.5 year old is not a baby or a toddler, and I would imagine that most mothers would happily leave one in front of the TV for a short while as long as they were in earshot - I know I did.

As for what other people say you should have done: it's really none of their business. No doubt your friend has hyped up her side of the story to them.

wallywobbles Sat 04-Jun-16 13:24:59

Go with the AP. Good ones are like fairy dust. They are life changing.

originalusernamefail Sat 04-Jun-16 13:25:00

I would split the difference iykwim. If AP was that sick she should've taken the day off that was offered. I know she is young and trying to be responsible/ reliable but sometimes the most responsible thing to do is not to take things on when you are not up to it. However when pregnant with DC2 I had severe HG and DS1 spent many a morning watching Timmy Time while I lay semi-conscious on the sofa so I know how it goes. If the OP slept through your friend coming in she was likely more deeply asleep than she intended. I would remind my friend that what goes on in my house was my business and whatever her feelings screaming blue murder at the AP was highly inappropriate.

SoleBizzz Sat 04-Jun-16 13:26:21

BF is bonkers.

EatShitDerek Sat 04-Jun-16 13:27:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sharknad0 Sat 04-Jun-16 13:27:06

with DD in the living room on her own eating fruit

that is the mistake your AP made. She really shouldn't have left her alone whilst she was eating, but should have waited for her to finish the fruits, then go to lay down. I really would discuss that with her.

Your friend's reaction was completely ridiculous and over the top obviously. Fair enough to share her concerns with you, and you might agree or not with her then. Abuse and screams are totally unnecessary.

GoldPlatedBacon Sat 04-Jun-16 13:27:07

The whole situation is actually none of your bf's business is it? Your bf is essentially criticising your parenting skills.

Iguessyourestuckwithme Sat 04-Jun-16 13:28:06

I am a nanny and have been floored with a sickness bug while my boss was away. You would have found me on my bed with the door open, the 4 year old playing in his room next door or watching my tv on my bed while I had my eyes shut [but not asleep] However I knew my charge, I knew his room and mine were safe, and I wasn't asleep.

Your aupair will be relieved to know you back her. I'm sorry about your argument with your friend.

MerryMarigold Sat 04-Jun-16 13:28:30

It sounds fine. I've done similar things. Sounds like she was virtually in the same room. If your bf can sit up other friends against you regarding this, and tell your AP, then maybe she's not such a great friend. I'd leave some space for a bit so she can cool down and refuse to soak about it with any other friends ...

themorus Sat 04-Jun-16 13:30:18

I would have worried about the food as a choking risk but otherwise I don't think the ap did wrong, like others said a parent would do the same if they were ill.

However you bf is in the wrong, for shouting at the ap, berating her when unwell, swearing and name calling, invading her privacy etc

If she was concerned she could have spoken reasonably to her and then to you. I wouldn't have anyone treat someone like that in my home regardless of their prior relationship.

RavioliOnToast Sat 04-Jun-16 13:30:44

I'd be cross that AP left child with food. But not cross otherwise.

Hissy Sat 04-Jun-16 13:30:45

If your AP was live out, she would have not turned up at all.

Your friend must have known you leave at 6.30. Yet knowing AP was sick, didn't bother HER Arse to come and get Dd until 3 hours later!

I agree that she should not have had the responsibility of looking after a child when off sick, that's really crap and unfair, but if you gave that choice, I suppose that's fine. Your ex friend should have been round earlier.

Your friend has no business shouting at anyone in your home.

Get the keys back off her and tell her thanks for stepping in, but that you'll not be asking her again.

I dare say that the AP Wouldn't want to babysit her kids now.

CrazyDuchess Sat 04-Jun-16 13:32:03

BF has totally lost the plot!

Good on you for backing up your AP.

Does your friend have form for this kind of behaviour??

Hissy Sat 04-Jun-16 13:33:04

Stick by the AP, your " friend" has issues, either with you, your parenting or her own. Your AP did nothing wrong.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Jun-16 13:33:59

I agree that the AP shouldn't have given your daughter something to eat while she wasn't in the room, but that's not what your friend is talking about, is it?

She sounds incredibly aggressive and seems to think you're stupid for trusting someone that she has, herself, trusted to care for the children.

Why does your friend feel free to walk into your house? Does she do that when you're in or only when you've left the AP in charge?

littlemonkey5 Sat 04-Jun-16 13:37:23

is it not ok to have DCs watching TV and use that time to hide in the cupboard go to the loo????

Oh dear!! But then DD has got to 8yrs old and is fine...... ah well.

Tell F to mind her own business. I sense a bit of jealousy.

redexpat Sat 04-Jun-16 13:37:41

Your AP sounds pretty awesome.

AndNowItsSeven Sat 04-Jun-16 13:38:50

The only thing that stands out to me was the showering and hair washing , was that at your request?

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