To say something to DB about this?

(22 Posts)
Crabtree Sat 04-Jun-16 07:51:32

DB and I have a slightly strained relationship and although we live live fairly close we rarely see one another. To cut a long story short, DB got on well with ex DH and doesn't like DP, who he's met once.

DB also doesn't like our father's girlfriend. They have been together for just over three years and are getting married next week.

My father is very happy, and I'm happy for him. He has been accepted into his wife's family and has a happy life. DB sees this as abandoning us, even though DB very rarely speaks to and rarely sees our father hmm. He's met our fathers girlfriend twice.

DB has just announced he and his wife are not going to the wedding as he has to work (he has his own business).

They are only open for a few hours on a Saturday and the wedding is about an hour from his house. He has said he will come to the reception later.

DP thinks I ought to say something to DB about this, i.e. how hurtful his behaviour is.

branofthemist Sat 04-Jun-16 07:58:38

I think you should keep out. Wether he is being unreasonable or not, is another matter.

But you getting involved isn't going to help anything.

Got to ask though, what you ex h and dbro not liking your dp got to do with anything?

Crabtree Sat 04-Jun-16 08:02:55

Well this is what I thought. I can't imagine it would do any good and will likely make tensions worse. DP feels maybe DB needs his ur be hour pointed out.

ApostrophesMatter Sat 04-Jun-16 08:04:29

Not really DP's business. Not his family.

Crabtree Sat 04-Jun-16 08:05:06

*behaviour

Penfold007 Sat 04-Jun-16 08:07:28

Keep out of it. No good will come from you 'interfering' in DB and DH's relationship. Go to the wedding, support your F and his bride and have good time.

branofthemist Sat 04-Jun-16 08:09:37

It's not up to your dp though is it?

If dh started telling me I should get involved with dbro an my parents I would laugh. My dbro is fairly difficult to, it upsets my parents (so I do know what it's like in your position). But I wouldn't get involved at my parents request, never mind my dhs.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 04-Jun-16 08:09:51

Absolutely stay out of it, your DB has made his choice not to attend.

kawliga Sat 04-Jun-16 08:11:25

So, you have a strained relationship with your db, and you are wondering whether you ought to have a word with him about his behaviour? YABU. You are all grown people, you make your own choices. Stay out of it.

Birdsgottafly Sat 04-Jun-16 08:14:06

If there's a strained relationship all round, going to the reception is a good compromise.

But it's no-one business, to interfere in, but your DB and your Dad.

If your Dad asks for your opinion, then give it, honestly, it's upto your Dad to act on him feeling hurt (if he does).

You'll only make things more difficult, if you get any more involved.

After the Wedding is the time to decide if you want to have a more involved relationship with your DB and build that up.

Xmasbaby11 Sat 04-Jun-16 08:16:28

It depends how close you are to your db. I might try to talk to him about how he feels about the marriage and depending on his response, I might ask him about going. Definitely not in an accusatory way or he'll get defensive.

Ultimately you probably won't be able to change your mind but if you understand him better, you may be able to accept his decision.

Of course it's not a tricky speaking your business but I think it's normal to want to do what you can to encourage family members to get along, and a wedding is a big deal.

Crabtree Sat 04-Jun-16 08:26:19

Thanks all, some good advice.

My fathers girlfriend is upset, mainly on my father's behalf. It's going to be a big (although not expensive/lavish) wedding and all other family members will be going.

DB only tends to speak to our father when he wants something and will likely over the next few months be asking for a (large) deposit for a house.... I feel this does compound his unreasonable behaviour.

Crispbutty Sat 04-Jun-16 08:37:18

Does your dad realise his son is behaving thus way? If not then just let your brother get on with it and your dad might see he's being used for cash.

AugustaFinkNottle Sat 04-Jun-16 08:39:47

I can see where your DP is coming from. It's all very well to say keep out, but you are involved just by reason of being part of the family, and realistically there is no-one else your brother might listen to. But ultimately only you know whether he's actually likely to pay any attention to you.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sat 04-Jun-16 09:12:21

I can also see where your DP is coming from, and of course it's his business to tell you what he thinks, you're his partner. I happen to think he's wrong though (mind you, he has more details, so maybe not?!).

My brother & I used to be close, but we aren't anymore. Both of us have mentioned things regarding our parents & it didn't go well.

I think in your situation I'd encourage your Dad's GF to speak to your DB.

I hope if he doesn't go to their wedding, he doesn't have the brass arse to ask for a loan and I hope if does your Dad tells him to shove it where the sun don't shine!

Crabtree Sat 04-Jun-16 09:53:35

Thanks, it wouldn't even be a loan, it would be a gift....

When ex h and I got on the property ladder years ago both my parents helped with the deposit so now DB would like the same.

He has been very vocal about not wanting our father to marry his gf due to inheritance concerns.... I think it's an incredibly selfish attitude. He does treat our father like some kind of money tree and only speaks to him when he wants something.

My father is just happy with any contact DB makes with him and I guess he feels guilty in some way about them not being close? Not my father's fault at all btw.

Crabtree Sat 04-Jun-16 09:56:48

DP sees DB's behaviour in general as very unreasonable, especially towards us. I have explained to him that if I did say anything to DB it would likely simply be to air my grievances and point out how ur he is, which would certainly not be helpful!

Bolograph Sat 04-Jun-16 10:00:47

He has been very vocal about not wanting our father to marry his gf due to inheritance concerns....

How surprising! Not all shits are grabby about their parents' assets, but being grabby makes you a shit.

Birdsgottafly Sat 04-Jun-16 10:05:46

""DP sees DB's behaviour in general as very unreasonable, especially towards us.""

Aknowledge that it is, but it's your call whether you actually do anything about it and your DP needs to accept that.

SanityClause Sat 04-Jun-16 10:19:33

If you were close to your brother, it might be appropriate for you to say something, but you're not.

Your brother and his wife will be perfectly aware that this is a snub to your father and his soon-to-be wife. They will be aware it is hurtful. They don't need you to point it out to them, and as you are not close, your words will not be welcome to them, anyway.

Your father and brother may have history that you are simply not aware of. They are adults and need to conduct their relationship without your interference (however kindly meant).

Of course, if either of them ask for your help or advice, that is fine. You may decide, then, to give it.

Your DP sounds kind to be concerned for your father, but I think he is wrong to suggest that talking to your brother is a good idea.

Overshoulderbolderholder Sat 04-Jun-16 10:41:43

If you and he are not close he is maybe not likely to respect your viewpoint, so I think you could be wasting your time and are risking getting embroiled in a row which may spread to your Dad. Don't open a can of worms just before the wedding. As others have said support your Dad and enjoy the day

dowhatnow Sat 04-Jun-16 10:54:22

It's their relationship. I'd stay out of it.

At least he's not sucking up to your dad to try to get the money. At least your dad knows exactly who and what he is. It's up to him whether he gives him the cash or not, knowing what he does.

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