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AIBU?

To perhaps not go to friend's hen weekend?

46 replies

Mammylamb · 03/06/2016 16:19

One of my closest friends is getting married in December. I'm one of three bridesmaids, but I don't know the other two very well. One of the other bridesmaids is organising a hen weekend abroad. The thing is, she is young and single with lots of disposable income, whereas dh and I are living on one wage at the moment. Would it be unreasonable to say I simply cannot go?? Dh said that I really need to go as I'm a bridesmaid. But a weekend away (flights, hotel, spending money) would really make a dent in our savings which I want to keep for emergencies as money will be tight for the next few years. I don't really understand what is wrong with a loca

OP posts:

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Mammylamb · 03/06/2016 16:20

Local hen night, without guests paying a fortune to enjoy.

OP posts:

Twerking9to5 · 03/06/2016 16:23

Hen "nights" are so expensive now. It's so annoying and unnecessary. I would speak to the other BM and suggest something in the UK to ensure more people are likely to make it. I would even say "to be honest, even I won't be able to come if it's abroad and I'd be so gutted to miss it"

Celticlassie · 03/06/2016 16:26

I'd just be honest and say you can't afford it. Hen nights are a bloody disgrace these days. I insisted that mine was local, and kept as cheap as possible. (I didn't actually want one, just did it to appease my bridesmaids!)

ScarletOverkill · 03/06/2016 16:27

How many would be going?
I think if there were lots of you I would explain to the bride that you can't go and hope she understands

Stardust160 · 03/06/2016 16:30

My moh didn't attend my hen due to issues with her DH ( it was in the uk) but as a long time friend I respected the fact she was unable to come and we had a little mini hen on our town closer to the time. I don't understand why people go aboard and put pressure on others. I seen many people have multiple big hen dos. One in another city, one abroad and a spa day complete with activities on all hen dos. Most cost the attendees a fortune.

Mammylamb · 03/06/2016 16:30

About 20 have been invited. I think the bride won't want it costing a fortune either!!!

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WhatALoadOfWankers · 03/06/2016 16:31

I would just say I couldn't afford it
The other BM should have checked before booking anything if the bride wanted everyone there
Not your fault

Thurlow · 03/06/2016 16:33

Not unreasonable at all. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. I would just message her and explain that it does sound a lovely idea (mollifying her) but that you just cannot afford to spend that much.

RaeSkywalker · 03/06/2016 16:36

I'd say I couldn't afford the hen abroad but would like to organise something local for the bride, like a nice meal or afternoon tea.

RaeSkywalker · 03/06/2016 16:40

Who do you think is driving the 'hen abroad' idea? One of my uni friends got married 4 years ago, it was all organised by one of her bridesmaids, and to be honest by the time we went away I was quite cross with organiser- it started off at 'let's stay in a cottage and drink wine and chat', but then she kept emailing ridiculous new costs and add-ons. It turned out that though the bridesmaid was the 'organiser', the bride was telling her what to do- "everyone needs to have a spa treatment, then we should go for dinner (set menu £50 a head), we all need fancy dress", etc.

Pearlman · 03/06/2016 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsized · 03/06/2016 16:44

Does the bride know its being planned abroad? One of my bridesmaids started planning something super expensive, which would have priced many of my friends out. It was supposed to be a surprise for me, but my other bridesmaid had a quiet word with me as she was worried I'd be upset at friends being left out. She was right, and I asked the first bridesmaid to change it to something more affordable.

Mammylamb · 03/06/2016 16:44

99% sure that it's the bridesmaid. The bride is usually very careful with money

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RaeSkywalker · 03/06/2016 16:50

Hopefully the bride will understand if you say you can't go then.

It's so strange that this thread is on here today- one of my friends is going on the 'hen abroad from hell' in the next couple of weeks- organised by chief bridesmaid, bride in the dark about destination or activities, costs racking up. The other bridesmaids tried to have a gentle word with the organiser which caused an almighty row, the bride had to step in. only a few people are going now so it's likely to be an awkward weekend!

blindsider · 03/06/2016 16:52

Be honest and say you can't afford it, any friend would not want you financially stretching yourself on their account.

pocketsized · 03/06/2016 16:54

If you're pretty sure its being driven by the bridesmaid I'd mention it to the bride...

amidawish · 03/06/2016 16:58

definitely do not go if you can't afford it. you will resent it and won't enjoy it.

just be honest. "i can't afford it".

so it doesn't look like you are humpy, offer an alternative to the bride of something local you think would be nice, for you & her or a small group who aren't going abroad - you won't be the only one.

IthinkIamsinking · 03/06/2016 16:59

More wedding bollocks. The whole thing has gone fucking insane. Just be honest and say you can't afford it. I just do not understand why a few drinks and a nice meal is not enough.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2016 17:00

Just be honest. 'I'd love to attend, but I am unable to due to financial circumstances.'

PestilentialCat · 03/06/2016 17:00

It used to be an evening meal & lots of drinks, perhaps on to a club, with the bride wearing a silly hat & often everyone else dressed normally.

Now it's seen as an extra holiday FFS - the world has gone mad!

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 03/06/2016 17:02

I was in the same position. I'm one of 3 bridesmaids and I don't know the other 2. Other 2 bridesmaids live across the country in my friends home town where the wedding is.

I'm already travelling with DP and baby DS for the wedding which is going to cost us nearly £1000 including hotel fees, and I have to travel there for a hair and make up trial next month, I had to say I couldn't attend the hen do which was held there too as I simply can't afford 3 trips.

My friend (the bride) understood and was fine, the chief bridesmaid was fine but the other one was a bit funny about it, at the end of the day I wasn't bothered what she thought because the only one who mattered was my friend.

BusyNothings · 03/06/2016 17:06

Just to offer another opinion! I recently got married and had my hen do in manchester, very local for me, as people were unable to/complaining about the cost. For a weekend in manchester we spent more each than my hubby did on his stag to amsterdam and he had a nicer hotel with a lot more activities. Things like this can actually be cheaper abroad, so can you not look into costings before hand so you have a better idea?

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diddl · 03/06/2016 17:16

"Dh said that I really need to go as I'm a bridesmaid."

No, not when it's abroad or time away somewhere.

In fact I don't think that it would even apply if it was a couple of bevvies down the local if it wasn't convenient!

PUGaLUGS · 03/06/2016 17:35

Just be upfront and honest about it.

GabsAlot · 03/06/2016 17:37

my sisters friend had 2 nights one aborad and one here for people who couldnt afford it maybe suggest that to the other bm

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